


Drunk on Your Colours

by Crazyheart



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alt er Love, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Aura reading - sort of, Drinking Games, Empath, Empath Even, Evakteket Challenge, Even and Mikael goes to Hartvig Nissen, Even has a strange gift too, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Isak has a strange gift, Isak is under 18 in the first chapters and there is some smut, M/M, Magical Realism, Mental Health Issues, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Oh dear god there will be a lot of smut in the last chapter, POV Even Bech Næsheim, POV Isak Valtersen, Smut, Sorry Not Sorry, Starting at the autumn of 2015, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural Elements, a lot of emotions too, not too graphic i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 22:22:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 71,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12068148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/Crazyheart
Summary: When Isak starts at Hartwig Nissen, he is confused by all the eyes with bright colours he can see. He has a strange gift that makes him see colours in certain people’s eyes, and the colours reflect who they are and how they feel. Now there are kids with colours in their eyes everywhere, and one tall, gorgeous guy has the colours of the whole rainbow. Isak and Even becomes friends.Friends to lovers AU where Even and Mikael are in third year at Hartvig Nissen when Isak starts in first year. This story includes supernatural elements and a drinking game or two. Isak’s POV, but also some parts in Even’s POV.For the Evakteket Challenge.





	1. Autumn 2015

**Author's Note:**

> This is of course all because of the #evakteket challenge. Gratulations on the anniversary!
> 
> My plan was to make a oneshot, but good advice led to a three chaptered thing instead (since it goes over three seasons). I struggle to write shorter things, right now, it seems. Anyway. This has been both a frustrating and fun experience. I hope you like it! 
> 
> Thank you so much for helping me through this messy first chapter, betaing for me, @coolauntskam and my anonymous beta reader. You are both amazing!

**Isak:** **All the Colours**

 

Isak Valtersen is confused. It’s August 25th 2015, his very first day at Hartvig Nissen, and he sees different brightly coloured eyes everywhere. He doesn't get it.

Isak has a gift. Or a curse; it depends on the day, or the situation. When he meets certain people, their eyes sparkle with a different colour. It can be pink, orange, blue, purple, green, red; any colour, really. Back when Isak was 6 years old, and saw Jonas sitting next to him in first grade at elementary school, his dark curls were everywhere and his eyes were sparkling yellow. At that time Isak didn't know what it meant, he just knew that some people had colourful eyes. He thought Jonas’ yellow eyes were so cool, though, that he dared to ask him to play soccer when they ran outside. So they did, and they became best friends. Just like that.

Nobody else talked about these bright coloured eyes, however, and when Isak mentioned them, everyone seemed to think he was weird, so Isak realized that others didn't see them. He chose to keep it to himself, just like he kept other things to himself. Other things that nobody talked about; like the fact that his parents were arguing all the time, or that he was attracted to boys. He became good at keeping secrets.

 As he grew older, he learned that the people with bright colours in their eyes, were important to him somehow. His family had vibrant colours in their eyes, and his closest friends, too. His first grade teacher, the soccer trainer and some others at school. There weren't that many, though. Isak wasn't really a people person. If _he_ had a colour in his eyes, they would have been blue, or turquoise, those were careful colours. Yellow had something to do with optimism and intellect.

 Now Isak has his first day at Hartvig Nissen, and he is nervous as hell. He stands in the school yard next to Jonas and his girlfriend Eva (with a sparkling, friendly and optimistic orange in her eyes), and he dreads going to class. Isak hardly knows anyone else in his class, because both Jonas and Eva are in another one. Well, he knows Sara, his ex (eyes shifting in bossy red and purple), and Ingrid, Jonas` ex, but he doubts that he's going to hang with either of them.

 Isak is so nervous that he struggles to stand still.

 – What’s with you today? Jonas asks, with laughter in his voice.

 – Excited? Eva adds.

 Isak shrugs. – I guess, he says. – You know I’m not crazy about new stuff. Or changes.

Well, that’s an understatement. He likes things how they are, and would prefer if it stayed that way. He’s been so used to having Jonas here, for instance, next to him, for years. It has always felt very safe. With Jonas he can forget how messy things are at home, or how messy he feels being himself. With Jonas he can chill. Isak has to admit that he is a little infatuated with Jonas, too. He doesn't like to think about it, but he’s all too aware of the fact that he likes boys deep down, and that he likes Jonas most of all. Jonas is so cool, and nice. It feels like shit when Jonas kisses Eva, or when Isak has to give Eva advice, or when Jonas confides in him, but it’s okay. He manages. Without Jonas in his class, though, everything is new and uncertain.

Isak lets his eyes search the schoolyard again. Why are there bright coloured eyes everywhere around him? Isak doesn't get it. There's a serious looking Muslim girl with mysterious indigo in her eyes, a blonde guy with orange eyes (just a little brighter than Eva’s) and a black guy with calm and shimmering green in his eyes. There’s a pale girl with straight blonde hair and red lipstick and red in her eyes to match. He also sees another blonde girl with pink in her eyes, standing close to a slightly chubby and laughing brunette with royal blue and red in hers. He also sees an older, good looking, dark haired guy with a wide smile and eyes shifting in orange and red. Isak doesn't know any of them, and he doubts that he will. He's not the type to get to know a lot of people. 

The strangest thing, though, is the guy with colours from the whole rainbow in his eyes. Isak’s breath hitches as he catches a glimpse of them, reflecting the sunlight like prisms. They’re so beautiful! The guy is fucking beautiful, too. He is tall and lean, with messy blonde hair and a smile that makes his whole face shine, including his eyes. Isak can see that his eyes are shining blue for real, but the rainbow colours sparkle whenever he laughs. Isak fights the impulse to go closer, to watch how the colours shift and dance in his eyes. 

The handsome stranger is hanging with some older looking guys, and Isak suspects that they must be in third year. One of the guys next to him, a guy with shoulder length dark hair and a white smile, has a magenta colour in his eyes. The two of them look like they're close. 

Isak can't help himself. Even if Jonas and Eva are chatting and laughing right next to him, he can't tear his eyes away from the tall stranger with the whole rainbow in his eyes. This guy is hot. Very hot. But what do the rainbow colours mean? Isak has never seen anything like it before. And how is Isak supposed to get to know this guy and his buddy? And why?

Isak stares at the guy, and watches how his eyes shut when he throws his head back and laughs. Isak lets his eyes trail over his body. Damn, this guy really does things to him. He swallows, and tries to tear his eyes away. Just then, the other guy stares back, and catches his gaze. The sparkling colours of his eyes and the little smile make Isak shiver. He looks away, and tries to listen to Jonas and Eva. Or pretends like he listens.

Shit, first day at school, and he's already been caught ogling a guy. Isak sighs. He has a goal to keep his feelings to himself. Okay, he didn't manage to fake it for long with Sara in 10th grade, but he isn't exactly ready to admit that he's gay and proud, either. Far from it. He might have a crush on his best friend, and he might get off to the thoughts of guys and nice butts, but he's just… not like that. 

His thoughts fade away as Jonas and Eva head for their classrooms. Isak follows them. He is glad that they at least are in the same hallway, so he doesn't have to go alone. 

Just then, a body bumps into him. 

– Ompf, the sound Isak makes is rather embarrassing. Not least when he realizes who he just has bumped into. 

The wide eyes that stare into his are blue as the sky and coloured like the rainbow at the same time. It should be impossible, but it isn't. This guy. Fuck, he`s hot. Isak hardly registers that Jonas and Eva have left him. 

– I`m sorry, the guy says, in a lovely, dark voice. His lips are nice, too, Isak registers. The guy looks at Isak with curiosity. – I didn't look where I was going. 

– No problem, Isak says, realizing that the other guy has dropped some things to the ground.

They both squat down to pick them up. Even picks up a green notebook and pencil that he clutches in his hand, and Isak dives after a ball… _a ball in rainbow colours. Damn_. He stares at the ball a little too long, probably. The other guy has a questioning look in his eyes when Isak finally hands the ball over. – Nice ball, he just mutters, and stands up, feeling his cheeks going red.

The guy smiles widely as he stands up, too. – Yes it is. 

Damn, his voice is so warm and dark, it`s like it wraps around Isak like a blanket. He’s tall, too. Isak has to tilt his head back to meet his gaze. It makes him feel like a stupid kid.

– Always bring it with me, the guy adds, and puts the ball in his pocket. His hair falls into his eyes as he looks down for a moment, and he suddenly looks younger. – Never know when you need something to play with.

Isak laughs a little. _Dork_. Isak doesn`t want to admit it, but he kind of likes that this guy is a little dorky.  

– So are you new? the guy asks, looking at him with those bright, colourful eyes. The playful and imaginative colour purple shines extra strong in his eyes. 

Isak nods, feeling a small flutter in his heart because this awesome guy actually shows some interest. – Yeah, he breathes. – First year. 

– Cool. I`m in third. 3STB. Nissen is alright. I'm sure you'll like it here. 

– Yeah, I hope so, Isak says laughs. – It's a little daunting right now. 

The other guy studies his face. – You don`t look like you're nervous, he says, and puts a warm hand on Isak's shoulder. Making sparks run down his spine. The guy cocks his head, like he listens to something Isak can't hear. – But you are, aren't you?

Isak flushes, but puts on a cocky face. – They say fake it till you make it, don`t they? 

He is rewarded with a warm laughter. – Yeah, and that's true! You're going to be fine. 

There’s a beat of silence between them, and Isak gets nervous, suddenly wanting to fill the silence with a smart question, a cool observation or... anything, really. But his mind is blank, and he can feel the other guy's eyes on him. 

When he looks up, the rainbow guy just grins, and looks like he’s about to say something. But then the school bell rings and he shrugs. – Well, we can`t be late on the first day after summer, kiddo. Better go. Maybe I'll see you later, huh? 

– Yeah, maybe. 

Isak nods and smiles a little and they part ways. As Isak goes into the building he realizes two things. First of all, he realizes that he forgot to ask what the hot rainbow guy`s name was. Then he realizes that he’s not worrying much about the other unknown students at all anymore. All he can think about are those rainbow eyes. He enters his classroom and finds a seat in the back of the room. 

He sits down and picks up his mac, and as he does, his phone pings. Sara has just posted an Insta with a selfie. She has caught Isak in the background. _Yay._ Isak groans, and avoids looking over at her. Sara hasn't forgot him yet, it seems, even if he broke up with her before the summer. He feels so bad about it all. He thought he could try to make it with a girlfriend, but it just didn't work. The whole thing is embarrassing to think about, to be honest.

He shouldn`t be bothered by it. The smartest thing to do, if he wants to appear to be just as straight as everybody else, would be to get back together with her. He just doesn't want to. Maybe he just can fake it by holding his feelings to himself instead? Just try to blend in? 

Isak sinks into his chair. Well, he probably should forget these stirring feelings for the tall stranger with colourful eyes, then. He just can't stop recalling glimpses from their little meeting and repeating them in his mind again and again. He tries to snap out of it and looks at the unknown faces of the other students. There aren’t many bright coloured eyes in his class, but the blonde guy with orange eyes is there. Apart from that, they are all gray, unfamiliar faces. Isak sighs, feeling a little lost and confused. Today he has seen more coloured eyes than in years, and almost none of them were in his own class. Just great.

  


**Isak: Straight Outta Nissen**  

Isak can't deny that he has been infatuated with Jonas for quite some time. However, after the start of the school year, Jonas no longer holds his undivided attention. Instead Isak finds himself watching the tall, blonde stranger with the long legs and the whole rainbow in his eyes, day after day. He knows that rainbow guy is in third grade, but apart from that, he knows nothing about him. He just watches. He watches how the guy walks over the schoolyard, or how he stands around talking to his friends. He’s smiling a lot, and laughing, and he always seems so kind, and Isak wishes he was his friend. Well, more than a friend, to be honest. 

His fascination is probably bordering on being unhealthy. More than once, Isak's breath hitches in his throat when he sees the guy, and his heart speeds up. The combination of the guy's sexy swagger, and the way he catches Isak staring, again and again, is making Isak into a blushing mess. Especially when the guy is staring at him with something that looks like curiosity in his rainbowy eyes. Isak never dares to approach him, though. 

August ends and September begins, and in the middle of the month, Isak realizes that his crush in Jonas is completely over. It’s not really a surprise, it’s more of a relief. Isak doesn't exactly miss the guilt of having these feelings, or the guilt of secretly wanting to split up his only two best friends. He’s so over falling for his friends. 

So when Jonas joins him at the Kindred Fever concert in the beginning of the autumn holiday, instead of going with Eva, Isak doesn't feel as triumphant as his earlier self would have. Instead he feels badly for Eva, and slightly irritated at Jonas. 

– She wants to go to the revue party with you, Isak says, as they stand in line to get into the concert. – And she wants to go to the cabin with you, and you end up going to a concert with me instead, drag me along to the cinema and even to her cabin? I just don't get it. 

Jonas shrugs, and serves him one of his crooked smiles. – I don't want you to be all alone, Iss. 

Isak smirks. He knows it`s partly true; Jonas has picked up that everything isn't harmonious in the Valtersen house. Isak still doubts that entertaining Isak is the main reason for all of this. – Jonas. It`s not just that, is it? 

– She's just so… much right now, Jonas sighs. – I wish she could just… find some others to hang with, too. Not just me. 

– You're aware that she kind of sacrificed her best friends to be with you, right? Isak asks. 

Jonas groans, looking a little lost and guilty. – Yeah. Yeah I know. It`s just… difficult. 

Isak shrugs and leaves is at that, and they move along in the line. When the concert starts, it`s so cool that Isak forgets everything about Eva. It`s just Jonas, Isak and the music. They have a great time, and Isak finds that he relaxes with Jonas for the first time in a long time. It`s great. 

The next day the all three of them go to the cinema. _Straight Outta Compton_. It`s nice. Almost like old times again, before the drama with Ingrid and the other girls and this new weirdness between Jonas and Eva. They chat and laugh and Jonas teases Eva for not knowing what the movie's about. Isak is having a good time. 

And then. Then the tall, gorgeous rainbow guy is there, right behind them in line. Just as Eva runs for the bathroom for a quick pee, Isak feels a warm hand on his shoulder. 

– Halla. 

The warm touch and the dark voice make Isak shiver, and the colours of the stranger`s eyes make something tingle inside of him. He's pretty sure that he blushes. _God, he`s tall, too_. The guy is towering over both Isak and Jonas.  

– Halla, Isak says, surprised that his voice isn't all over the place. – This is Jonas, my best bud. And this is…? 

The rainbow guy understands Isak’s asking look and stretches his hand to Jonas. – Even. Even Bech Næsheim. 

Even. Isak loves the sound of it. So much better than rainbow guy. Jonas greets Even and smiles widely. He probably picks up on the slightly hipster vibe from the guy, and likes it. 

Then Even turns to Isak and gives him his hand.  It’s warm. Isak blushes for real now. He's a little embarrassed because he's so nervous and flustered, but glad, too. – Isak Valtersen. 

Just as their fingers meet, Even jolts a little, and his eyes widen, but then he smiles. His cheeks are slightly pink. – Hey, Isak. Nice to finally put a name to your face. 

– Yeah, Isak breathes, since Even seems to make him short of breath. 

Even looks closely at Isak, but he has a teasing look in his eyes. – So, do you like NWA, or are you just here to be entertained? 

Isak laughs. – Both, maybe? 

Even doesn't have to know that Jonas introduced him to the music, or that he mostly fell for it because of his stupid crush. He really likes the music now, anyway. 

– What about you? Isak asks. 

Even grins. – Definitely both. 

Jonas asks what Even expects from the movie, and Even laughs and eagerly chats away about his thoughts and expectations. He seems to know a whole lot about movies, and Jonas tries to seem like he does, too. The two of them quickly get friendly and talk about the movie, about NWA and 90`s rap, and Isak almost feels jealous. Scrap that, he definitely feels jealous. He wishes he could have Even’s rainbow eyes on him, that he could make Even smile and laugh, just like Jonas does. He wishes that he could add something to the conversation, but he’s blank. He just listens to them and doesn't even try to pretend that he knows all the names the two others throw around. 

Then Even suddenly turns to him. His eyes are roaming his face, like he’s looking for something. – So, have you ever listened to Nas? 

Isak stutters, feeling nailed by the intensity in his eyes. – Nas? Uh…. 

– He probably has, but he doesn't know it's him, Jonas interrupts. – Isak`s music taste is really shitty. Or, well, variable, at best. 

Isak blushes. – It`s not! 

It really isn't. Yeah, he has a wide taste in music, but that doesn't have to be bad, does it? 

– Everyone doesn't have to be a music snob, he adds. 

Even just looks amused, like he doesn't care that Isak sort of looks like an uneducated fool, right now. – You should listen to it, Isak, he says, and smiles at him. – If you like NWA it's worth a listen. 

– I will, Isak promises. 

Even suddenly looks a little tense, like he’s struggling to find the right words. – Maybe we could hang together sometime, and and I could play the best album to you? he suggests. 

Isak stops breathing. That’s an invitation to them both, right? But Even is only looking at Isak. Still, it’s probably both. He starts breathing again, and pulls himself together. He shouldn't read too much into this. 

– Uh, yeah, that would be cool. 

Jonas breaks in.  – So you definitely should join us this weekend, Even, Jonas says. – We're going on a cabin trip. 

Isak looks at him in disbelief. Has Jonas suddenly forgotten that Eva would prefer to be alone with Jonas at the cabin? It's bad enough that he plans to smuggle pot there. Eva doesn`t like that. At all. She won't like extra guests either. 

– Is Eva okay with that? he asks. 

– Sure she is, Jonas grins. He looks at Even. – We're just going to chill, but we'll probably smoke some weed and have some fun. If you have no other plans? 

Even looks like he actually thinks about it, and suddenly Isak wants nothing else. Even could save him from a week being the third wheel alone with Jonas and Eva. _Please say yes_. 

Even looks questioning at Isak, and Isak smiles and nods. He's probably looking like a puppy begging for a treat. – It would be cool if you could come, he says. 

Even smiles back, almost like he’s relieved. – Sure. If you think Eva is fine with it. Can I have your numbers? 

Isak`s heart flutters when he realizes that Even wants his number, too, and not just Jonas` number. They exchange the numbers, and Isak feels like he has gotten a gift. It`s just a friendly exchange, of course, but he still cherishes it. 

Then someone bumps into Even, and he laughs. – This is Mikael. Always so fucking late to things. 

– Halla! 

Isak realizes that it's the dark haired (and annoyingly cute) dude with the magenta in his eyes. Isak smiles and shakes the guy's hand.  He doesn't get to speak to him more, because the doors open, and Isak loses sight of both Even and Mikael. Eva is back, though, holding her popcorn and Fanta tightly. Isak waits for Jonas to tell her about Even. But he doesn't say anything. 

Isak frowns. What is this? Jonas used to do anything to have time alone with Eva, and now he just invites anyone to join them at the cabin? 

– Why did you invite Even? he whispers when Eva is busy reading about the movie. 

Jonas shrugs. – He seemed like a cool guy. And you two seemed to hit the tone, too. You need more friends, Isak. 

Isak scoffs. Jonas is right, of course. It’s not just Eva who could do with more friends. It would be nice to have someone else to hang with, especially when Jonas is attached to Eva's face all the time. It still surprises him that Jonas thought of him that much. And he's pretty sure Jonas under estimates Eva's reaction. Isak still realizes that this whole thing could mean trouble. But it really isn't his job to fix it. He sits back in his seat and decides to let Jonas and Eva figure out their own mess without him.

  


**Isak: I`m Yours**  

Isak Googles Even's name, of course. It's just something he has to do. He’s just curious. He finds a Facebook account, and Insta. But there aren't too many pictures.The ones that are there, are cute, though. Then he finds a movie, a interview with Even, that Mikael posted last year. Even is so cute in that thing, it almost hurts. And now it’s no doubt he’s a movie nerd. A cute movie nerd. Isak tells himself that it’s just curiosity he feels, nothing else. It’s only friendly interest that makes him happy when Even texts him asking for the address to the cabin, too. Well, mostly. He has no friendly explanation for why his heart beats so fast when he answers.

 _So are you sure Eva is fine with me coming?_ Even texts. 

Isak`s quick to answer: _Sure. Eva`s cool._

 _She's the brunette you two uses to hang with, right?_  

 _Yeah._  

 _Seems nice. Should I bring flowers or wine or something?_  

 _Nah. You could probably bring some snacks if you like. Just chill._  

 _Will do. :) I’ll come Wednesday in the evening, I think._  

 _Nice._  

 _See you, Isak. Will be fun to see you in anorak and knickers_  

 _Haha, right. Now I kind of hope that you turn up in that. :)_  

 _You’ll have to wait and see ;)_  

So. Jonas, Eva and Isak go to the cabin on Monday, Even will join them two days later. Isak can hardly wait. He listens to Nas the whole way to the cabin. Well, almost the whole way. He has some other favourites he listens to, as well. Sappy, romantic songs, to be honest, but who cares? 

Well, apparently Jonas cares. When they sit at the bonfire Wednesday evening, and Jonas plays his guitar, and Isak asks for “I`m Yours”, that`s apparently a gay song. Fuck, Isak hates that. Why do sweet things have to be “gay”, just because they’re not macho enough? Why is “gay” always uttered like profanity? Something bad? So when Elias calls, and Jonas disappears with his phone glued to his ear, Isak takes a small revenge on Jonas, teasing him about how he follows Elias everywhere. Well, it's not so far from the truth, so he doesn`t feel bad about it. At least it makes Eva laugh a little.    

Then Eva asks about Jonas texting Ingrid, and Isak feels tired. Of course Jonas has texted his ex Ingrid to get to her brother and get some weed, but Eva thinks the worst. Just a few  weeks ago, Isak probably would have taken the chance to mess with Jonas and Eva. Divide and conquer, or something. Now he just tells her that she doesn't have to worry at all, but that she should talk to Jonas. – He loves you, Eva, he says, and smiles. 

Just then, while they are sitting at the fire, a tall figure turns up, and Isak`s breath hitches. _Even._ Fuck, he really came. Even stands there, looking at them and smiling, and Isak takes in his tall body, his messy hair and his shining blue eyes, still sparkling with the colours of the rainbow. He really is good looking. 

For a moment Isak's nervous about Eva's reaction. But then Jonas introduces Even, and Even gives his best smile, tells Jonas he is lucky and offers Eva a bag of chips and some other snacks, and… Eva smiles and is clearly charmed. Isak guesses that she is so relieved about the text to Ingrid that she forgives Jonas just because of that. 

– You could have warned me, Jonas, she just says. 

– I'm very glad you said I could come, Even says. – I would have been bored otherwise. But I can't stay the whole week, because I'm doing some stuff with my… family Friday night. But I can stay a day or two. 

Isak looks at him, and his jeans in particular. – You dropped the knickers? he asks with a little smile. 

Even laughs, and the sound of the laughter does things to Isak. When he looks at Isak, the different colours shimmer in his eyes. – Yeah, but I’ve got my anorak on, right? 

Isak grins back. – Yeah, he says, and allows himself to look a little bit more. – You`re travelling very light, though? 

Even still smiles widely. – I put my things up at the cabin, he says. 

– Good, Jonas says. – You'll have to sleep in Isak`s room. There are bunk beds in there. 

Even just smiles at Isak, while Isak feels like he's suddenly blushing from his head to his toes. _Fuck._ He hadn't thought about that. How is he supposed to sleep at all with this guy in his room? 

– Sit down with us, Even, Jonas says. – We're roasting marshmallows. Playing and singing. 

– Nice. 

Even sits down next to Isak, and Isak can see the rainbow colours in his eyes, shimmering in the light from the bonfire. Even bumps his shoulder into Isak`s. – So what did I miss? 

– Isak just suggested “I`m Yours,” Jonas grins, as he plucks on his guitar. – That kid has no music cred, I tell you. 

Isak squirms, and rolls his eyes. What is it with Jonas lately? It`s like he wants to seem so cool and tough all the time, Isak doesn`t get it. What`s gay about “I`m Yours?” 

– Is it only cool to listen to NWA right now, or what? Isak asks. – Well, now at least I've heard Nas. Is that good enough? 

Jonas just shrugs, but Eva seems to agree. Isak looks at Even, who just smiles at him. Why does he look so amused all the time? 

– So, did you like it? Even asks. 

Isak nods, still blushing a little. He really liked it alot. 

– Good. And I like “I`m Yours”, too, Even grins. – Let's sing it! 

So they sing, and all of them join in. Isak feels good. The fact that Even is on his side, is part of the reason. He really loves this song, too. And he`s here with his two best friends and the most beautiful person in the world. He sings, and enjoys himself, and when Even borrows Jonas` guitar and plays and sings a song too, Isak wishes that they could stay right here, right now, forever. 

Of course they can`t. When it's time to go to bed, things get confusing again. He`s supposed to share the room with Even, and it`s… difficult. Even is so tall, sweet and hot at the same time, and it`s like he takes up the air in the room. Isak must admit that he feels very attracted to Even, and it scares the shit out of him. He’s not ready for feelings like this. Even is probably just as straight as Jonas, too, and Isak knows he should keep his stirring feelings down. 

Isak is quick to go into his bunk bed and hide under the duvet. When Even comes from the bathroom in only his boxers, Isak can't help having a quick look. Even looks very good. Lean and lanky and very tall. Isak watches Even`s impossibly long legs and the muscles in his shoulders flex as he turns around and looks for something in his bag. The thought of spending a whole night in the same room as Even makes Isak`s body react, and his dick thickens. _Shit, shit, shit_. He isn't sure if Even notices him watching and reacting, but when the thought of Even`s lean body pressed against him gets to be too much, and Isak sighs and shifts in his bed, he notices a small smile on Even`s face. 

Even ducks into the bottom part of the bunk bed, but bumps his head. His cheeks go slightly pink, but he chuckles. Isak smiles. He loves how Even seems so hot and slightly clumsy at the same time.

– It was really nice of you guys to invite me here, Even says, as he pats the duvet around him. – I would have been just home and bored otherwise.

Isak shifts in bed, and wills his dick to calm down. – Oh, I'm glad you're here. Suddenly I`m just not the third wheel, you know? 

– Haha, yeah. 

Isak yawns, and shuts his eyes as he speaks. – And I definitely like that you defended me when Jonas picks on my music taste. You're like… my knight in shining armour. 

 _Shit, did I just say that?_  

Even laughs. – Oh, I like that, Isak. Well, nobody should tell you what music to like, anyway. 

– I guess not, Isak sighs, feeling relaxed and glad. – You're really… passionate about music, aren't you? And movies, too? 

– Yeah. I have a lot of interests, really. Probably too many. But I like it. What are your passions, then? 

 _Right now, it`s you_ , Isak mocks in his head, but then he realizes that he doesn't have any true passion at all. – I don't know, he admits. – I used to love to play soccer, and I like to play games and hang with my friends, but… I guess I have no true passion. Well, that would be science, maybe.  

– Science? Cool. 

– Yeah, it probably sounds boring, but there's so many interesting questions, you know? 

– It doesn't sound boring at all. I hope you'll tell me about one of them. 

– Oh you won`t get away from that, Isak laughs, – just get me started.   

– Maybe tomorrow, Even says in a tired voice. – It`s a bit late for science, at least for me. 

Isak yawns again. Yeah, Even is right. He could talk to Even for hours, and he actually thought the nerves would keep him awake for a long time, too, but he suddenly struggles to stay awake. There`s been a lot of impressions today, and there's something calming in Even`s soft voice, and Isak`s mind is clouded. He`s soooo sleepy. 

– Well... I guess we should sleep, he mutters. – Good night, Even. 

– Good night, Isak. Sweet dreams. 

His voice is so soft, Isak thinks to himself. How can it be so soft? He falls asleep shortly after that, dreaming of a knight in shining armour with the colours of the rainbow in his eyes.

Isak obviously can't get Even off his mind, and the next morning he has trouble sleeping. Being so close to Even and not be able to do anything about it, is some sort of bittersweet torture.

As soon as he’s fully awake, with his heart pounding in his chest, and his morning boner throbbing in his boxers, he lies listening to Even’s breath. His breath is slow and steady, but it still manages to make him even more aroused somehow. Isak can't help it, he imagines Even slipping into his bed, kissing and touching him. _Fuck._ Isak slowly turns to his side so he can watch Even`s sleeping face. He tries to will the arousal away, but he ends up clutching onto his dick, trying to be so silent as possible, as he`s staring at Even and bringing himself to an orgasm. Even stirs a little, just as he comes, and for a moment Isak is terrified that he's awake. But then he sees Even`s shut eyes and hears his steady breath again, and Isak releases a slow, shaking breath.

He grabs some clothes and runs to the bathroom to get out of his messy boxers and take a quick shower. When he comes back into the bedroom, Even is awake, half sitting in his bunk bed, under the duvet. His hair is messy after sleeping, and Isak gets a weird urge to cuddle him.

– Uh, good morning, Isak says, blushing, trying desperately not to think about what he did when he woke up. His dick remembers too well, it seems. Sometimes being a teenager sucks. 

Even looks a little pink in his cheeks, too. – Morning, Isak. 

– It`s still early. Hope I didn't wake you? 

– Nah, Even shakes his head, but looks out their window, like he's embarrassed. – Eva and Jonas sure did, though.

Then Isak hears it. Jonas and Eva having sex. Eva is making some sounds that reminds him of a moose or something. _Fuck_ , Jonas must be doing something right. But what could be worse than listening to his best friends have sex, while he is trapped in a small room with a hot guy with the colours of the rainbow in his eyes? Isak tries not to notice that the hot colour red is the brightest in Even`s eyes right now, too. _Fuck_.

– Fuck, he mutters, as he feels hot in his head. – Should we maybe… go out and try to make some breakfast?

Even grins, looking a little flushed, too. – Yes please. Just give me a minute, I think I need a quick shower, too.

– Sure, Isak nods, and goes for the kitchen. Trying to shake away the image of Even’s soft hair, pink cheeks and plush lips. _Focus_ , he says to himself. _Coffee_. He has just gotten a taste for coffee (with a shit load of milk and sugar), so he puts it on and puts on some water for the eggs.

When Even comes from the shower, with a flushed face and wet, messy hair, Isak feels like a stuttering mess.

– Everything...  good?

Even grins. – Yeah, it was nice. Now I'm very ready for breakfast.

Isak nods and tears his eyes away from Even`s wet hair. He decides to focus on finding the food, and the two of them work together to set the table with bread, milk, eggs, cheese, ham and jam. Even finds some small baguettes that they heat up in the oven, too.

When the smell of coffee, baked bread and eggs fill the cabin, Jonas and Eva enter the kitchen.

– Smells nice, Eva smiles, and both she and Jonas look ridiculously happy and satisfied.

Isak has to pause for a moment, to try to figure out how he reacts to that, but he doesn't even feel a hint of jealousy. He`s glad for them. So, the four of them eat, chat and laugh through the whole breakfast. Isak is amazed by how Even seems to fit in with all of them.

That evening, when Even and Eva are sitting in the couch, chatting about a feminist book, and Jonas and Isak are discussing if they should play TP or not, they hear a bang.

They go outside, to look for what's happening, and when Isak sees the source of the sound, his heart sinks. Elias, Jonas` hero number one at the moment, is there. Isak is certain that the dynamics of the group are going to change, and not in a good way. Isak just stares at Elias, and so does Eva. Isak senses that Even comes up behind him, too, but doesn`t turn around.

Elias talks about a “nice atmosphere”, Jonas tells him that he should sleep in Isak`s room, and Elias looks at Isak with a smirk on his face. – I'll sleep with the gay guy?

He just throws it out, like it’s nothing So why does it hurt? Isak musters up some courage. – Why is everyone suddenly calling me gay?

– You _are_ gay, Elias deadpans, as he approaches to greet him and go into the cabin.

– Please quit with the homophobia, yeah? Even`s dark voice says behind Isak.

Elias stops in his tracks, and stretches out a hand to the older boy. – Yo, I`m Elias. I was just joking.

Even takes it reluctantly. – Even. And it`s not very funny. Drop it, okay?

Elias shrugs, looking indifferent, and goes into the cabin.

Isak could have given Even a hug, but he's a little pissed at Jonas, who really shouldn't have accepted bullshit like that. Isak sends Jonas a look, but Jonas just shrugs. – He said he was just joking.

But he looks ashamed. Isak goes inside, hearing Jonas defend himself to Eva, who really isn't ready for yet another guest.

Isak catches Even in their bedroom. Elias has just put his stuff in the top of one of the bunkbeds, and has left the room. Even looks thoughtful, and almost sad.

– Are you alright?

– Yeah, sure. I just wonder If I should go home.

Isak swallows down the disappointment. – Didn`t you plan to stay until tomorrow afternoon?

– Yeah, but it’s getting a bit crowded here, and it seems like Jonas didn't exactly prepare Eva about the fact that he invited more people to come.

Isak sighs. – Don't worry. Eva loves that you're here. She`s just not so happy about Elias, since he smokes a lot and is quite a douchebag.

– Oh.

– The last bus leaves soon. Couldn't you just stay until morning and see if it`s okay? You aren't doing stuff with your family before tomorrow, right?

Isak hopes it doesn't show how desperate he is to have Even there for longer. If it does, Even doesn`t show it. He just smiles a shiny smile and nods. – Okay. Now let's see if we can save the “nice atmosphere” out there, yeah?

Having Even there definitely helps. There is some tension seeping from Eva, but Even is funny, and helpful, and it makes everything easier. Isak realizes that he's falling deeper and deeper for the guy. It doesn't help that Even is right there next to him all the time, with his big eyes and shining smile. Even is there at their evening meal, helping out with everything, and he`s there chatting with Eva and covering up for Jonas and Elias sneaking out to smoke pot.

– You don`t wanna join them? Isak asks, when Eva is in the bathroom. – That`s what Jonas invited you for, isn't it?

– I`m good, Even smiles. – It would be really shitty just to leave Eva here, right?

– Yeah, Isak admits, and decides to stay inside with Eva and Even for a while. It’s nice.

Later, when they have eaten, Eva goes to her room, and Isak and Even decide to join the others outside. Isak knows it's not that smart, but he can't resist the temptation. They get really stoned, and Isak is all giggly. He probably talks too much, too. And the only thing he can think about is Even, who is everywhere, all the time. Even is there, with his rainbow eyes, laughing and smiling and touching his shoulder. Even`s there when they chat and play games that night, too, and when Isak goes to bed at night, he is there. Even is there at breakfast the next day, laughing with Eva and the boys, hair a mess and looking tired and happy. He is there at lunch and dinner. Just like the day before, he stays inside when the boys go outside to smoke. Isak stays, too, even if the thought of the pot is really tempting.  

Of course the boys forget the time, and Isak has to fetch them, giggling and high as they're about to eat. Eva is clearly irritated, but she doesn`t seem to get that they're high. After dinner, Even gets up and says he has to leave.

– Family stuff, he says, and smiles. – But I've had a really good time.

– Yeah, it was cool that you came, Jonas says.

– If you take the bus that goes now, I can join you, Isak says, and surprises himself. – I have some school stuff I wanna do.

Even grins. – Cool. Actually, I drove, he says, – but I would really enjoy some company.

Isak hadn't thought about that possibility at all, but of course Even drives. He's eighteen, after all. – Cool.

They go to the bedroom to pack up their bags, and Isak feels a need to explain. – I don't think I can handle one more day with Eva, Jonas and Elias alone, he admits. – Too much tension.

Even laughs. – I get that! I'm just glad you can join me.

When they walk to the car and set the course for Oslo again, Isak relaxes and realizes that he feels quite happy. He had imagined a lot for this cabin trip, but never that it would end like this. Driving in an old car with Even, chatting and laughing and listening to music. He has a really good time. A part of the reason probably is the hopeless wish that _this_ , the fragile thing that's happening between them, could be something more than a growing friendship. It’s silly, of course, he knows that, but he doesn't know how to push it away.

When Even drops him off at his house, the good feeling lasts until he goes up the stairs, and hears his parents shouting inside. He immediately regrets coming back sooner. At least his parents greet him when he comes in, and his father puts some money in his hand, so he can go to the cinema, so that “mom and dad can talk”.

Wonderful. But Isak is grateful for the chance to get out of the house. The tension between his parents is far worse than the tension at the cabin.

The days and weeks after that, Jonas, Eva, Isak and Even are often hanging together. They're like a quartet of friends. Well, that is, until Eva gets more and more occupied with her new friends (all of them with bright colours in their eyes for some reason), and with their strange project of getting Vilde (the blonde with pink in her eyes) laid with a guy in third year. So. Isak, Jonas and Even hang out together instead, then. And Isak hides his racing heartbeat and wobbly knees behind his big smiles and cocky behaviour. 

Eva and Jonas seem to be going through a rough phase, that Isak doesn't quite grasp. It`s something about Jonas wanting to meet Eva's mother. He doesn`t bother to meddle. After a few days, everything is good again, anyway. 

Isak and Even hangs together both at school and in their free time. Sometimes with Jonas, sometimes with Mikael, and sometimes alone. Isak is getting better and better at hiding his feelings. Well, most of the time. He still gets carried away when he talks about stuff that interests him, or when he sees an opportunity to make Even laugh. 

October goes by in a rush and Isak and Even are suddenly good friends. If Isak is honest with himself, he knows he wants much more than that, but he takes what he can get. And he's happy with it. Sort of.

  


**Isak: Not for me**  

It's almost Halloween, and Isak and Even are still very friendly. Jonas is often busy skating or hanging with Eva or his other friends, so Isak and Even get to spend more time together. Well, when Even isn`t with Mikael or some of his other friends. Isak tries not to be jealous, and even enjoys it when he gets the chance to hang with Even, Mikael and a guy named Elias (who is much nicer than Jonas` Elias, and who has turquoise and bright blue in his eyes).

– Do you know Sana? Even asks, one evening they`re hanging around in Elias`s house.

Isak tries not to blush because of the intensity in his eyes. – Yeah, I think she hangs with Eva? he answers, remembering the girl with the hijab and the indigo in her eyes.

Even nods, and he has a fond expression in his face. – Well, Elias is her brother. We often spend time here at their house.

Elias grins. – All of us living off my Mom's cooking.

– Nice, Isak laughs. – So, Is Sana home, then?

– Nah, Elias answers. – She's out with her friends.

– She’s almost never home anymore, Mikael adds with a laugh.

Isak notices that Even smiles then. – Good to hear. She had a rough time at Urra, right?

– Yeah. Seems better now, Elias nods.

It strikes Isak that Even has a big heart, for all of his friends and their families. Isak loves that. The guys seems really cool, too, and Isak has a good time. They chat, laugh and play games for hours. That evening he also gets to meet three other friends; Adam, Mutasim and Yousef. Isak has to swallow when he notices that all three of them have bright colours in their eyes. In some way or another, all these guys are important to him. How can that be?

Even looks very proud when he introduces them all. –  Guys, Isak is my first and best friend at Nissen, well except Mikael.

– We know that, Adam, laughs. – It's not like you haven't mentioned him before.

Even looks a little pink in his cheeks. – Yeah, well, he says and looks at Isak – I have known Mikael like forever. And Elias since junior high, and the other guys since Elias started at Bakka and got to know them there.  

– Yeah, well, I have known Yousef for a long time, too, Elias interrupts.

– And you’ll never get rid of me, Yousef adds.

The guys are funny, and a lot louder than the guys Isak usually hangs with, but he likes it. They are making challenges all the time, and laugh a lot. He likes that he gets to see another side of Even, too. He seems so playful, and relaxed, and it's beautiful to watch. Isak is still confused and ridiculously attracted to him. Every time he catches Even`s eyes, his pulse speed up. Every time Even smiles to him, his heart ache. And of course he hides it as much as he can.

When Isak is about to leave, Even follows him out in the hallway, even if they’re at Elias’s house. Isak is amused because he has seen this new, playful side of Even, and his chest is so full of mushy feelings, that he has to avoid Even's eyes. _Friends_ , he tells himself. _Just friends._ His heart still beats extra beats when Even stands close to him.

– I’m glad you finally got to meet the guys, Even smiles.

Isak finds his jacket. – Yeah, they’re cool, he answers, and smiles back. – You guys are really into challenges and games, too. It’s fun.

Even nods and grins. – Yeah, it’s our thing, I guess. That, and making movies.

Isak has put his shoes and jacket on, and is ready to go, but hesitates. – So, do you think I’m accepted? he asks.

Even laughs. – Oh, definitely. You can join us anytime. Elias said you fit in, even if you’re two years younger than the rest of us. And when he`s as accepting as that, you know you're good.

Isak nods, a little uneasy. Why does the fact that Even pointed out the age difference bother him? Is it because the others mostly are adults, and he’s just a kid? Is it because it creates a bigger distance between Even and him?

– I’m not just a kid, you know, he says, before he manages to stop himself. He blushes.

Even’s rainbow eyes are bright when they meet his. – I know.

Isak realizes that he has to go, so he doesn't end up saying something even more revealing. He mumbles a goodbye, and disappears out the door.

The air is cold and fresh, and Isak hopes it can calm him down. He knows one thing, at least; he crushes on Even, and it’s a big fucking crush. He`s so attracted to Even it`s ridiculous, and it's not just innocent. He thinks of Even every day and brings himself to orgasm more than once because of it. It`s just something he needs to do, to not go crazy. He can't help jacking off to images of Even's sweet mouth wrapped around his cock while his big blue eyes look up at him adoringly. He's tried not to. He always starts out purposefully thinking of anything except Even, but at some point during his session, a vision of the gorgeous guy pops into his head – usually triggering an immediate orgasm. He wants Even so badly, his balls ache.

He has no clue what to do about it. He knows that he’ll keep on spending time with Even, for as long as he can. That’s the only thing he knows.

Apart from spending time with Even, and jacking off far too often, Isak tries to avoid both the tense atmosphere at home, and the tension between Jonas and Eva. He doesn't manage to escape it completely, though. One day Eva meets up with Isak for a coffee and tells him that she's worried that Jonas is having an affair with his ex, Ingrid. Of course she couldn't be further from the truth. Jonas is a lot of things, but he would never go back to Ingrid. So Isak tells her that she has no reason to think that, that Jonas probably called Ingrid about her brother, and that she should talk to Jonas. Eva seems relieved, but still worried. Later, Jonas complains to Isak that Eva is grumpy, and Isak tells him that she just loves him and that he should be honest with her about the pot. Jonas seems to listen, but still looks worried, too. And Isak feels lost, and a little annoyed. When did he become a fucking diplomat, meddling between the two of them? Isak just wishes that they wouldn't drag him into this at all. 

When he mentions the whole thing to Even the next day, he just laughs and says that Jonas and Eva in the end have to figure out their shit alone. – But I have a good feeling about them, he says. – Maybe they just need some time. Get older. 

They're having a burger just sitting and chatting, and Isak tries to think that the “get older” sentence doesn't have to mean that Even thinks about their own age difference. – Maybe, he says, as he picks at his fries. 

– It can take time to figure out stuff in a relationship, Even adds, looking thoughtful, and the blue toned colours in his eyes reveal some sadness. 

Isak feels the urge to ask how Even knows all this relationship stuff. Has he been in a relationship? Is he in a relationship now? But he doesn`t ask. For some reason, they haven't been that personal yet, even if they have spent a lot of time together. Isak hasn’t told Even anything about things at home either, or invited him home. Well, right now he doesn't invite anyone home. Things are too messy. At least, when he’s with Even, he can forget about that for a while.

– Do you believe that there’s one true love? Isak asks, surprising himself.

Even looks thoughtful. – Maybe there are several possible true loves, he says. – I don’t know.

Isak nods. – Sounds kind of logical. If there only were one true love, one soul mate, in the world, the probability of meeting would have been minimal.

Even looked at him with an amused look on his face. – I like what you say, but you can't really use logic when you talk about love?

Isak frowns. – Why not?

Even laughs. – Love isn't logical, is it?

 _You can say that again_. Isak sighs. – True. Sometimes I wish it was.

Even just smiles then, and their talk drifts into a safer topic. Isak has finished his burger, but he chews slowly on his fries. He secretly wishes they could sit there for a long, long time. But the time goes too fast, like it always does when he's with Even, and they part ways.

On the way home, Isak admits to himself that Even means a lot more to him than he ever will admit out loud. He can't help it, he loves these moments alone with Even. Whenever Jonas is skating or hanging with some of his other friends, and Even is free, Isak gets the chance to hang with Even, and he takes it. Isak feels like he can relax more in these moments, and be himself. Well, at least when he's not struggling to hide how infatuated he is. When he`s with Even, he can forget about everything else that bothers him, like the tense situation at home, or how much he worries about school. Sometimes they play games, or listen to music, or they argue about movies. Isak hasn't dared to watch any of the movies that Even loves, _with_ Even. When he watched Romeo + Juliet one night that he couldn't sleep, he started to cry. He knows he can't watch anything like that with Even and keep his friendly mask on. It`s just not possible. So he suggests that they do other things.They go for a burger or a coffee, or they visit the skatepark or something similar. They talk about movies and music and stuff that isn’t dangerous.

The night before Halloween, Eva is going to a Halloween party with the girls and some guys from third year, so Jonas, Even and Isak hang at home with Jonas, playing games. It`s nice, even if Jonas talks and talks and talks about how everything`s so difficult with Eva. It's a little painful to listen to. Isak doesn't have a crush on Jonas anymore, but he still doesn't like when Jonas is hurting, and he doesn't like that it reminds him about things at home. He wishes that he had the words that could help, but he doesn't, and the whole thing gives him a helpless feeling. He offers Jonas some candy instead, and feels like an idiot.

– Send her a text that you love her, Even suggests, which Isak realizes must be a bit a lot more helpful. And Jonas does. Not so long after that Jonas goes to meet up with Eva, and Isak and Even have to go, too.

Even says that he wants to follow Isak home. – I wanna make sure you’re safe, kiddo. 

Isak rolls his eyes. – I’m not just a… 

– I know you’re not just a kid, Isak, Even interrupts. For some reason the colours in his eyes seem deeper and darker. – I just wanna walk with you. Can I? 

Isak feels the heat in his face, and hopes it’s not too obvious. – Sure. 

They walk side by side in the cold night, and Isak watches the frosty damp from their breath in silence. 

– The thing with Eva and Jonas bothers you a bit, right? Even asks. 

– Yeah, Isak admits. – I just hate to see Jonas like this, and Eva, too. And I don't know how I can help. I hate that. 

– Yeah. 

Even seems to think for a moment. – There’s something else that bothers you, too, right? You’ve been a little down lately? 

Isak avoids Even`s eyes. Fuck, is he that transparent? He swallows. – Uh, yeah, things are a bit… tense at home. 

Wow. He never thought he would blurt out something like that. Even has an ability to make him say things before he thinks. He bites his teeth together. 

– I’m sorry, Even says. 

Isak shrugs, and tries to brush it away. – It’s nothing much. Just… tense between my parents, you know. 

He doesn't mention that his mother seems to behave a little strange lately, and that it's part of the problem. People don't talk about stuff like that. Enough is enough. 

– Guess it’s not so weird that you don’t like this thing with Jonas and Eva, then, Even concludes. 

– Yeah, I guess it isn`t. 

Isak sighs, and decides that he's had enough focus on himself for a while. – So how… how are things at home for you? Happy family? 

Even smiles. – Well, I live just with my mom, but we’re fine. She’s a bit annoyed that I’m too impulsive sometimes, though. 

– Yeah? 

– Yeah, I kind of lose my head sometimes, Even laughs. – And I guess I`m a bit absent-minded. I get that it can be annoying. 

Isak doesn't get how anything about Even can be annoying. He doesn't dare to tell him that, of course. The rest of the walk they talk about safer subjects, like school, movies and music. They always find stuff to talk about. Isak loves that. 

They say goodbye in front of his house, even if Isak would have liked to talk for hours. Mostly because he wants to postpone entering his parent’s house, but also because he feels so good when he spends time with Even. He just wants to keep that feeling for as long as he can. He doesn't care what that makes him, really. Well, maybe he cares, he just doesn't want to think about that right now. 

After Halloween, stuff seems better between Jonas and Eva for a while. They are kissing in school and everything. Isak is both relieved and a little bit tired of them going back and forth. One Monday in November, when they are skating and hanging in the skatepark, Isak gets to know what Eva thinks about it all. 

Jonas, Elias and some others are skating, and Even is there too, with Mikael. Isak has brought his board, but he knows he's not going to skate. He doesn't really do it that much anymore. He sits down next to Eva, who`s watching Jonas skating. Isak follows her gaze, but his eyes gravitate towards Even, who just then almost falls, and throws his head back laughing. _Damn, he's cute._  

He looks over at Eva and asks her if things are going better between Jonas and her. She says yes, but she still looks doubtful, and he knows something's off. 

– Things aren't completely right, she sighs. 

Isak looks at her. – What? Why? 

Eva looks him straight in the eyes. – Isak. If I tell you this, you have to promise not to say anything to Jonas. 

– Okay, I promise. But you probably shouldn't tell me anything you can't tell him yourself. 

Eva blinks. – Right. Well. I guess I can. 

– Fine, Isak shrugs. – You can trust me. What is it? 

– You know how I thought there was something between Ingrid and Jonas? 

– Hm-hm. 

– So before Halloween, I asked Jonas if they had been together. And he admitted that he had talked to her, because he was buying pot from her brother. 

– Ah. Well, that explains stuff, Isak says. He doesn't think he needs to tell her that he kind of knew that. 

– But Jonas also said to me that he was pretty tired of me not trusting him. And he was a little pissed about it, actually. 

– Yeah, okay. 

Eva sighs. – But now I feel like, I'm still mad at Jonas, for lying to me about the pot, and for putting all the blame on me, because I've been jealous. 

– Oh. 

– Yeah, so I don`t know what to do, really. 

Isak doesn't know what to say. – I think you should talk to him, he finally says. – And tell him what you think. I really think you are good together. Maybe you both just need some time, and to talk? To figure out how you want it? It'll be okay.

– Thanks, Eva says. 

– For what? 

Eva hugs him, and the hug feels surprisingly good. – You know. 

They watch Jonas skate for a while longer. Isak thinks he didn't do too bad, talking to Eva. But at the same time, it pains him to be sort of a meddler between Jonas and Eva. At least right now. 

– You know, Isak says after a little while. – I will always listen when you have things you struggle with, right? But sometimes… I just don't want to be someone who meddles between Jonas and you. It feels… weird. Okay? 

Eva looks surprised, but she also looks like she knows what he means. – Okay, she says, and smiles. – That's fair, Isak.   

Isak releases a breath, and relaxes. He watches Even, Jonas and Mikael skate, and leans back. Maybe things really are going to be okay, he thinks. 

Of course they aren't.

  


**Isak: The Shit hits the Fan**  

Over the next two weeks things are getting worse at home, and Isak`s parents are arguing and struggling every day. His Mom is making less sense, as well, and Isak doesn't know how to handle it. So he mostly stays away. Eva and Jonas seems to have a good time for a while, but then that seems worse again too, and Isak has no idea why. Apparently Jonas thinks that Eva doesn't know what she wants, or something. Isak chooses to stay away from it all. He has enough to worry about. 

But then, Saturday 28. November, the shit hits the fan. His dad leaves them, and his mom breaks down completely. She starts shouting and throwing things around before she locks herself into her room, and stays there. Isak doesn`t know what to do. He only knows he can't do this alone. He phones Jonas, but he seems to be busy right then. He phones Even instead. 

– Everything okay? Even asks, when Isak only stutters into the phone. 

– Uh, I, could you come over? he says, and he can't hold his tears back. – My dad left and my mom is… not handling it too well, and I just… I just need someone to talk to. 

– Of course, Even says, and his answer makes Isak cry even more. – I'll come right now. 

Not long after that, Even is at the door, and when he takes one look at Isak and puts his arms around him, Isak melts into his arms and cries. He feels so alone, and so hopeless, and Even being here makes it all feel a lot better. 

– I`m sorry to bother you, he mutters. – But I couldn't get hold of Jonas, and…. and I just didn't know what to do. 

– You can always call me, Even says. 

Even is amazing. He listens to Isak and helps him to tidy up the mess his mother has made. He makes them some food, gives the dog some food and listens even more. After a little while, he gets hold of Jonas, too, and Jonas comes to keep them company. 

Isak doesn't feel so alone anymore. He talks and cries and talks some more, and it`s all okay. Well, he doesn't talk about _everything_. He admits that his mother has had a breakdown, but he doesn't give any details. He just says that she didn't handle that his dad left.  

That night, both Jonas and Even decide to stay the night. 

– You shouldn't be alone with all this, Jonas says. 

– But you two can't stay with me forever, Isak says, confused. 

– Well, we can stay for a little while, Even smiles. 

So they do. They spend time together playing games and talking, and they all fall asleep in his room, Isak in his bed and the others on mattresses. The next day, they help him get through everything. Well, everything except his mother. Isak does not allow any of them to talk to his mother. Not even Jonas, who has seen a lot of strange things before. Isak doesn't know why he keeps them from her, he only knows that he needs to. 

That's probably why he doesn't let them stay too long, as well. When he finds his mother on the bedside one morning, ready to get up, he decides that the boys will have to go. Not because he thinks everything is okay, but because he doesn't want them to see her like this. Broken and confused. 

– Are you sure you're okay? Jonas asks, and Isak is determined. – Everything`s okay, he says. – I am so grateful for all your help, but now we have to try to manage for ourselves. 

– Call us whenever things are difficult, Even says, as Isak almost pushes him out the door. 

– I will, Isak promises. – Thank you. 

Of course everything is more difficult when the boys aren`t in the house. It's almost impossible. But Isak is determined to make it. He has to. 

His mother tries hard, too. When there's a party that next weekend, his mother persuades him to go. – You should have some fun, Isak, she says, patting their dog Lea. – I'll be fine. And I have Lea to take care of me. 

So he tries. He goes to the Christmas girl power party at Iben`s house with Magnus, the kid from class with orange in his eyes. And Isak tries to have a good time, he really does. Magnus turns out to be really funny, too, and charmingly naive. Isak still is miserable, though, mostly because of the situation at home, but also because something is missing. Or someone. He realizes that he misses Even, and when he does, he chooses to go home early. 

Just when he`s about to go to bed, a silly meme pops up from Even in his phone, and Isak almost cries. How can a stupid meme make him feel like this? But it's a connection, and he needs it so badly. 

The next days Isak stays with his friends as much as he can, when he's not helping out at home, or studying. But he doesn't talk about anything that's difficult. Both Jonas, Eva and Even ask about it, but he just shrugs and says that everything`s better. 

A week later they are outside in the dark, lighting the Christmas tree, and almost everyone from school is there. Isak chats with Jonas, and he learns that Jonas and Eva have just broken up. Isak isn't surprised. Not even by the fact that both Jonas and Eva look alright about it. Right now, nothing seems to surprise him. So he just watches the tree and silently admits to himself that it`s beautiful, even if his life is shitty right now. He chats a little with Eva, and her friend Noora, with the red in her eyes, borrows his phone. Isak suspects it's about getting Vilde laid again. Those girls are really strange. 

Even bumps into him then. – Hi, he says, and smiles. – Everything okay? 

Isak shrugs and smiles. – Well, it's better, at least. 

He waves his hand to Mikael, who stands next to Even, drinking coffee or cocoa. 

Even looks cute, happy and energetic in his winter jacket and beanie. – We should do something, Even suggests. – Maybe have a party, or something. 

Isak isn't really in a party mood, but he definitely doesn't want to just go home. – Sure, he says. 

– We can go to my place, Jonas suggests, – but then someone else has to get beer. 

– I can get the beer, Even offers. 

When Noora brings Isak`s phone back, she seems to pick up what they're talking about. – A party? she asks. 

– We can come, too, right? Eva asks. She asks them all, but she looks at Jonas. 

Isak is surprised when he smiles. – That's cool. 

– Can I come? Magnus asks. – I can bring snacks. 

– That's chill, Jonas says. 

And so it`s a party. Even, Mikael, Isak, Magnus and Jonas are there. So are Eva, Noora, Vilde, Sana and Chris. Just as Isak sits there, he realizes that all the people there have vibrant colours in their eyes. All of them. And he almost feels like crying. Because somehow, all these people are important to him. He doesn't know why yet, but they are. And that's really nice to think about. 

They are talking and laughing and listening to music, and they are drinking far too much. Well, most of them are. Mikael stays sober, just as Sana and Noora. The rest of the gang doesn't, at least Isak doesn`t. He chases the bliss of being drunk, and it sort of helps. The world gets blurry and soft on the edges, and everything is fine. Just fine. 

Then someone suggests a drinking game. Probably Mikael or Even, since they love games and challenges. All of them decide to play truth or dare, and they sit in a circle on the floor, just like they used to when they were younger. And Isak suddenly gets nervous. He has too much stuff that he struggles to keep to himself, and he's not sure if he can trust himself when he's not sober. He still joins the game. 

Most of the game goes like in a blur, he sees the others say embarrassing truths and take silly dares, and it's mostly just funny. Some get to drink, some get to run around the house or kiss, and some get to tell about their crushes. But then it's suddenly Isak’s turn. 

– Truth or dare? Eva asks, with a wicked look in her eyes. 

– Uh… dare, Isak says, hoping that he will get something easy, and doesn't have to strip or anything like that. 

Eva looks at Noora, for some reason, and back at Isak again. The orange in her eyes has darkened and almost turned into a dangerous red. – You have to kiss… Oh, I know! You have to kiss Even! 

Isak freezes. _Fuck. Oh no_ . His body reacts with joy, excitement and horror, all at the same time. He looks over at Even, who sits slightly to the right for him in the circle. Isak takes in Even’s fine-boned face and over-large eyes. His eyes have lots of red, purple and pink today, and Isak isn't sure what that means. Playfulness? Passion? Anger? No matter what, Even’s eyes appear dark and enigmatic. His cheeks are slightly pink, like he`s hot in his head by the beer and all the silliness. _He really is beautiful._ Isak’s gaze falls to Evens full lips, the subject of so many of his fantasies.

Okay. He has to do this. Everyone expects it. He staggers to his feet and goes over to Even. Sits down on his knees in front of him. _Please don't let me fuck up. Please be okay with this._ Isak looks into Even`s eyes, not sure what he`s looking for. Then he steadies himself on Even`s shoulders and leans forward to kiss him. _God, he have wanted this for so long…_ Their lips meet carefully, and Isak’s hands clutch Even’s shoulders, trying to hold back his own lust. Even’s lips are so soft, a tingling feeling spreads from his stomach, and he’s filled with a wish to kiss deeper and pull Even closer. Right now he doesn't care that everyone’s watching. He needs this. At the same time, he knows he can't. He should pull back. He’s just about to let Even’s lips go, when Even's tongue sweeps into his mouth, making him dizzy. Isak reacts before he thinks, and sucks on it, delighting in the unrestrained groan that he draws from Even. His hands slide onto Even’s neck and he meets Even in a deeper kiss. Suddenly he feels Even’s hands on his hips, and he gasps into Even’s mouth. Even pulls back and withdraws his hands. Isak leans back too, and lets his hands fall to his lap.

They stare at each other for a beat. The red colours in Even’s eyes are making Isak shiver. Could it be passion, or lust? There’s some curiosity there, too, and confusion. Isak gets up on shaky legs and goes back to his spot, as he looks down, avoiding Even’s eyes. _Damn._ Can everybody see how affected he is? Isak feels intoxicated with Even. But he knows it is just a game, though. Even is probably just… playing the game. 

– Damn, that looked kind of hot, Magnus laughs. – I thought you would just go for a small peck. 

– It really was hot, Noora agrees. 

Isak stares at them, feeling confused. 

– What’s the point of doing it half way? Even says. The blues and greens are stronger in his eyes now, there are warm colours, too, and his cheeks are still pink. 

Isak doesn't say a thing. He’s probably red as a tomato. _Fuck._ He knows now. He has fallen for Even for real. But he can't think about that right now. He looks around. The others don't look weirdly at him at all, except maybe Eva and Noora. They look curious. He swallows.

– It’s your turn to ask someone, Isak, Vilde says then.

Isak can't think. He goes for a safe choice, and says: – Jonas, truth or dare?

Jonas is quick to say truth (maybe he fears kissing a guy, or maybe he just doesn't have that many secrets).

Isak still can't think, and his question isn't very imaginative. – So… Who was your first crush?

– Probably… Sara, Jonas says. – But it was rather short lived, I’m afraid.

But Isak can lean back now. He has done what he`s supposed to. He takes a deep breath and releases it. Takes a sip of his beer. Tries to make his racing heart slow down. He still can feel the echo of the kiss on his lips.

– Truth or dare, Mikael? Jonas says.

– Truth!

– Can you tell me about a current or earlier crush that nobody here knows about?

Mikaels starts to blush and stutter. – Well… I... eh... used to have a crush on… Sonja, Even’s girlfriend.

The room fills with chuckling and laughter, but Isak can only fake a chuckle. His chest aches. _Girlfriend. Fuck._ He should have known. It hurts, though. For some reason it hurts much more than it should have. He feels such a strong attraction to Even - he has never had it this bad before. And now he knows it's pointless.

He throws a quick glance at Even. He still looks a little red, but he smiles at Mikael. – That’s cute, he says. – I hope you haven’t crushed on her the whole time?

– Three years? Fuck no. But she is hot, Even.

Even shrugs, and looks a little embarrassed. Someone asks Mikael to continue the game, but Isak tunes it out.

So. Even has a girlfriend, he`s been with her for three fucking years and he never told Isak about her. It hurts. Isak can still feel the taste of Even’s lips on his, but Even’s off limits. Probably straight as a ruler. Isak sips his beer to hide that he needs to swallow. Why does he keep crushing on his straight friends? It’s just ridiculous.

He can’t continue like this. He can't continue to tell himself that he’s “not gay” anymore, for starters. Even’s kiss has made him sure of that. He still doesn't feel like gay-gay, though. He`s not all about mascara or tights, is he? But he likes boys. He knows that.

Nobody would understand, though. His Mom would go crazy (well, more crazy), and his buddies would… he doesn't know what they would. But the way they use the word “gay” doesn't make it look promising. Isak knows that he still needs to keep it all to himself, and fake it. He must try to be like everyone else. Maybe try to make out with girls again. If he stops listening to songs like “I`m Yours”, would that help? he wonders, bitterly. Hell, if that's all it takes, he will do it.

Isak takes a deep sip from his beer. He can’t go on pining for a guy who’s not for him, that`s for sure. His life is shitty enough right now, when his Dad has left and his Mom is so confused all the time. _Fuck my life_ . Isak thinks, and wonders, and thinks again, knowing that he needs to do _something_ , to protect himself from more grief. He’ll have to forget these feelings, and maybe stay away from Even for a while. He'll have to change. So he'll change.

  


**Even: All the Feelings**

Even has this strange ability. When he touches someone, or hugs them, he knows what they feel. Sometimes he can shut it out, but most of the time, he can`t. Sometimes it`s too much.

When Isak kisses him, it is. It’s too much.

Even’s body flushes hot and cold in the moment Isak gets the dare. He has wished for and feared a moment like that since the day he met Isak. So when Isak sits down in front of him and kisses him,  it’s all Even wants. It’s soft lips and warm breath and he tries to shut out what Isak feels. Just to be polite, really. Give the kid some privacy. And to protect himself.

Even usually doesn't touch Isak much, and when he does, he tries to shut the feelings out. The main reason is because he's afraid to feel _nothing_. What if he means nothing to Isak?  What if the only thing he senses is indifference?

But when they kiss it’s too much, and he can't shut it out at all.

Isak’s lips meet his, and the feelings rush over Even like a tidal wave. It’s heat and fear and lust, it’s a tingling feeling through his body, and Even doesn't know what’s him, or what’s Isak, and it takes his breath away. He only knows that he needs this, and he needs more, so he makes the kiss deeper, and he grabs hold of Isak’s hips. Isak sucks on his tongue, and has his hands around his neck, and Even groans, and wants, and wants, and wants, and he hardly manages to withdraw at all.

Afterwards Isak looks dazed. Confused. Even feels a little guilty. Isak probably didn't expect a kiss like that. God knows what he thinks, or feels. Even sure as hell doesn't. He’s too lost in the overload of feelings that rushed over him during the kiss. But he has to get a grip. So he pulls himself together. And when Magnus talks, he manages to say some words, and when Mikael tells about his crush on Sonja, Even manages to say some more. He doesn't know what he says. He just thinks how silly it was, to keep that fact from Isak. He could have told him about Sonja several times, but he just didn't want to. He wanted to stay in that bubble with only the two of them, even if it was just make believe.  

And now Isak knows and it probably doesn't matter. Isak is just his friend, anyway.

Even had told himself from the start that friendship was what he wanted. He was painfully attracted to the golden haired first year, but he knew that he shouldn't be. Sometimes it had been sweet torture, like the time Isak and him shared the same room. In the cabin. God, it had been so tempting to do _something_. To kiss him or just stroke his hand through his hair. Sonja and him were struggling at the time, and Isak was so hot, funny and cute and Even was just a little bit too drunk. Luckily, he was sober enough to stay away though. Well, of course he did, for so many reasons.

So they became friends. Even learned that Isak wasn't just a cute face. He was smart, too, and funny. He had a passion for science and the mysteries of the world. Behind his cocky mask, he had a big heart. And sometimes he had a sadness in his eyes that Even wanted to take away. But he couldn't. After all, they were just friends.

Even wants more, though. He has wanted more for a long time now. He just doesn't have a right to want anything. He has a girlfriend, and now Isak knows. Even looks over at Isak, wishing that he could see one of his beautiful smiles, or some laughter. But Isak looks lost in his thoughts, and Even doesn’t know why he feels like it’s an ocean of distance between them.  



	2. Spring 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts around Christmas 2015/2016. Isak is having a rough time in many ways, but mostly because he just kissed his friend Even during a game of truth or dare, and at the same time discovered that Even has a girlfriend. 
> 
> During the spring Isak struggles more and more with staying at home with his Mom and with handling his feelings for his friend Even. 
> 
> He still sees colours in Even's eyes. 
> 
> Even still takes in too many feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: Thank you so much, lovely beta readers for reading this, betaing it and giving me the hope that I could do it! Also thank all you guys who gave this fic a chance, read it and left love and comments! I am so grateful. 
> 
> So. Friends to lovers AU with supernatural elements and drinking games (!). This strange fic started out because of the #Evakteket Challenge. <3
> 
> This fic has been a struggle, I have to admit. And this chapter, too. My mind worked against me and made ooc characters and weird situations and yeah... it was horrible. Thats why it's taken forever since I posted the first chapter. So. I hope it works better now. At least it starts to come near to the idea I first had. It's pretty fun to write the magical aspects of the story, I have to say.
> 
> I will warn that Isak has some problematic thoughts about being gay in this chapter, but I suppose that we all know that by now.
> 
> There will be some smut, but not too graphic, I think.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!

****Isak: Fake it till You Make It** **

After that party in December with the truth or dare kiss, Isak moves through the days in a haze of regret, attending his classes, pretending to study, and avoiding social situations. Trying not to think about the fact that  _ I KISSED EVEN _ and  _ HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND _ .  

He studies hard and does the things he should do, but it's like he's not really there. Most of the time he's irritable and just… tired of everything. Of course it doesn't help that his mother is strange most of the time, crying, quoting the Bible and complaining about her deadly sins. Her eyes have a sickly yellow colour with grey specks of despair (a shade of colour he recognizes as her sickness). It's exhausting.

Jonas knows something is up and asks him a few times if he's okay. Luckily he accepts Isak's noncommittal responses and doesn't pry. That’s one of the reasons Isak likes Jonas. He`s easy going and open minded, and seems to think that everyone should mind their own business.

– Just let me know if you wanna talk, okay? he just says, leaving it up to Isak. The yellow in his eyes is warm and clear, reflecting his bright mind and good spirit.

And Isak nods, knowing that Jonas will be there, if he ever gets ready to talk. He doubts that he will, though.

Eva surprises Isak once and asks him how he is, too. She even seems a little guilty for making him kiss Even. The orange in her eyes is muddy, mixed with strings of grey and dark blue. Sadness, Isak thinks.  – You can talk with me, you know, she says. – About anything.

– Thanks, Eva, he says, and pulls away, feeling his heart in his throat. – But no worries. It was just a game. Everything's fine.

_ Everything's fucked up,  _ more like it. But he can't risk opening up to anyone right now. He can`t risk making it all  _ real _ . The only way to get over this shit is to fight through it until it just… fades away.  

Isak focuses on school, house chores, video games and Netflix, and hopes that it will help him get there. However, in  spite of his efforts to forget about Even, the third year guy with all the colours in his eyes is still in his thoughts daily. It seems almost impossible to avoid him, too. Isak sees him on the way to school, in the cafeteria and in the schoolyard. Isak avoids his eyes and pretends to be busy or on his way to something else. It feels a little weird. His need to see Even is like an ache in his chest. It’s like his body hasn’t caught up with his mind, which is determined to stay away for self preservation. However, Isak knows it's necessary to stay away, at least for a little while. He just needs time, he says to himself. Space. So that he can forget about their kiss and make his heart calm down again.  _ Girlfriend, remember. Even has a girlfriend.  _ It almost becomes a mantra for him.

Isak tries not to think too much about what Even might feel about him being so distant. Isak knows that Even has no clue why Isak avoids him. It’s not like Even has done something wrong. Sometimes Isak notices that Even sends him questioning looks, but he tries to ignore it. He just knows he has to stay away, to survive.

– Halla, Even says one day, when they meet in the school cafeteria. Isak is locked in by the counter, so he can't sneak away. Just the sight of him makes Isak’s heart race.  _ Fuck, he’s gorgeous.  _ Even is staring at him with wide eyes, and yellow is the strongest colour. Isak  wonders if it is possible to read Even's feelings from how strong the colours are in his eyes? He  knows yellow can mean optimism and intellect, but also fear and mental illness. Even looks nervous, so it’s probably nerves. – I never see you anymore.

– Hi. I've… just been busy, Isak mutters, with a throbbing heart. It's impossible to hold Even's gaze for more than just a moment.

Even just nods then, and gives Isak a long look. Like he wonders what’s going on. Isak suddenly wishes everything was like before. Friendly. Nice. But he knows he needs some more time to get his heart under control. That kiss fucked him up.

– Have I done something wrong? Even asks.

Isak blushes. – No, no, no. I have just been very busy. And things are a little messy at home, that's all.

Well, that isn't a lie, but it isn't the whole truth, either. He sighs, feeling the heat in his cheeks. – And maybe... I have been a little little embarrassed, you know, he admits.

_ And bummed out because of your fucking girlfriend. _

Even swallows. The the strongest colours in his eyes were mostly a yellow green colour Isak thought of as confusion. – Embarrassed? About... the kiss? Why?

_ Oh God, why did I admit this? _

– I don't know, Isak lies. It’s not like he ever can say that out loud. He feels so ashamed that he doesn't know where to look.

Even looks at Isak for a long time, and then he sighs. – It was just a kiss, Isak. Did you feel like I stepped over your boundaries when I… deepened it?

Isak groans. – Oh god, can we please not talk about that right now?

He can’t even look at Even. 

– Fine, he hears. – But I shouldn't have done that. Did I step over your...?

– No, it's fine! Isak interrupts. He looks up. – It’s fine. I don't know why I was embarrassed, Even. I just was. I'm fine now. Okay?

Even smiles. His eyes have a warmer yellow colour and orange that tells Isak he’s glad. – Okay. So, we're good?

Isak breathes out. – We're good.

– So, if you have time, we could watch a movie together one day? Even asks then. He looks like he expects Isak to say no. – Or maybe listen to Nas?

Isak manages to smile a little smile. – Yeah, sure, he says. – But uh, I gotta go now. Later, yeah?

Even nods and lets Isak get past him.  – Later.

Afterwards, when Isak sits in his class, his hands are still shaking. The want and longing for Even hasn't faded at all since the party, neither has the embarrassment or the frustration. The feelings are festering in his stomach and they are making it difficult to breathe.

He continues to stay away from Even over the following days.  Then it’s Christmas.  Isak used to love Christmas when he was younger. He partly blames his mother for making him distanced from the whole thing, though. She always had so many big plans, and she never managed to fulfill half of it. His expectations and wishes got crushed, year after year. And after she got sick, it got worse. His Mom was nervous and irritable every Christmas, and it affected them all. Every Christmas, family gathering were a tense nightmare. So, Isak learned to protect himself. It's not like he hates Christmas, but he’s learned not to expect anything from it.

Of course, Christmas this year is going to be horrible. Isak still does his duty; he washes and decorates the house so it at least can look like it should. He does it all with ease; he has always had to be independent, after all, and he's been doing most of the house chores since his Mom got sick anyway. He goes shopping and buys something that he can have the energy to cook for Christmas dinner. He finds two portions of Fjordland Microwave Christmas dinner.  _ Yay _ . Who cares, right? He buys some Christmas cookies and chocolate, too. Baking and cooking isn't exactly on his list of priorities right now. He also finds a sorry excuse of a Christmas present for his Mom (a vase; she loves flowers). But apart from that, he just buys everyday groceries. He really doesn't care, and his Mom is too lost right now to say anything about it.

Deep down he feels sadness, of course, for the family moments he wish he could have. But he knows that he needs to put a lid on it, or it will drag him under. Christmas goes by in a blur. Isak spends most of the time watching shows on Netflix and trying to calm his Mom down when she's confused. He visits his grandma one evening, but when he realizes that his Dad has turned up, he doesn't stay long. He stays for dinner, though, and accepts his Dad's presents, even if he doesn't open them up. He doesn't have to be an asshole, after all.

He doesn't go to a single party during the Holiday, not even to Jonas` New Year's Eve party. He doesn't dare to leave his Mom, and he doesn't dare risk meeting Even, either. So he stays at home, and listens to the fireworks as he watches a stupid show.  _ Happy fucking New Year. _

Isak feels miserable. He thinks a lot about Even; about his smile, his eyes and his deep voice. He tries not to, but he can't help it. It’s like the thought of Even brightens everything. When he lies there sleepless at night, he imagines them together, and recalls their kiss, again and again. He recalls their talks, too. He misses Even so much, it hurts.

In fact, he misses Even so much that he realizes that he can`t keep on avoiding him. If he keeps on staying away, Even will start to wonder what's wrong, and he might guess a little too close to the truth. Isak doesn't want to risk losing him. Rather, he wants to stay friendly and pine for Even in secret. That’d be better than losing him and having no contact at all.

So, when the Holiday is over, Isak  doesn't go out of his way to avoid running into Even anymore, but he doesn't keep an eye out for him, either. However, after several days where he doesn't run into Even, he wonders if Even suddenly is avoiding him, now. The thought is painful. Why would he do that?

It occurs to him that Even perhaps is so irritated or something that he doesn't want to know Isak anymore. That thought causes a small panic and makes him realize how much he wants to see Even again. He really doesn't want to lose Even as a friend. His logical mind tells him it will be best if he stays away from Even for a while longer, but his heart  –  and his body  –  has other ideas.

Almost a week goes by before he finally finds a way to see Even. One day, when he is on his way back home from school, Isak spots Even heading in the same direction, lugging a big bag. He`s wearing a black band t-shirt and black jeans that show off the curve of his ass. Isak breaks into a jog and catches up with him quickly.

–  Hey, Even, he calls as he gets close.  –  Let me get that for you.

Isak grabs the handle of the bag and wrests it from Even's grip. His heart races because of the bold move and because Even is right here, next to him. But he needs to do this. He’s afraid he risks losing Even if he doesn't.

Even's eyes widens as he looks at Isak.  –  You know, I'm perfectly capable of carrying my gear, he says, almost sounding annoyed.  –  I've only been doing this for years.

Isak is surprised to hear the irritation in his voice. Even is never irritated. What’s going on?

Even reaches out to take the bag back.

Isak swings it into his other hand away from Even. This is his excuse to follow Even back to his house.  –  Really? What kind of gear is this, then?

Even sighs, puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs. – Stuff for filming and editing. And some books and stuff.

Isak raises his eyebrows. –  You've been filming for years? You must be really good.

Even rolls his eyes. Isak notices they are sparkling more in red, orange and purple today. Even  _ is _ irritated. But why? 

–  I'm not going to win any awards yet, Even says dryly,  –  but I do like doing it.

Isak nods.  – So… How was Christmas? he tries, hoping to get back to the friendly connection they used to have.

Even smiles a little. – It was great. My mom fell asleep on the couch when we opened the presents. There was a lot of family stuff. We ate too much, like every day. New Years Eve was boring, but I had a lot of fun with my brothers.

Isak smiles back, even if he has a empty feeling in his gut. He would love to have a Christmas like that. – Cool, he says.

Even looks at him. – How about you?

– Fine, Isak says, automatically. – A bit boring, maybe, he adds. He doesn't want to lie to Even, but he doesn't want to tell the whole truth, either.

– So, it's been a while. Where have you been? he asks, to change the subject.

Even looks at him with a strange look in his eyes. The colours are muddy, still with a lot of reds, and Isak isn't sure about what that means. – Yeah, I've been busy, you know.

Isak nods. Maybe he was right to worry that Even doesn't want want to hang with him anymore. Maybe Even has picked up on Isak's feelings somehow, and it freaks him out?  Isak wants to ask, but doesn't know how to.

They approach what appears to be Even's house and they go up the stairs. Even swings the door open wide and they go inside. The house seems to be empty. Even heads for his room, and goes inside, dumping his backpack onto his coach, that is under his top bunk bed. Isak follows him with the excuse of carrying the bag. Even's room is mostly tidy, but there are notes and paper all over his table. He has a dark blue bedspread and cream-colored pillows on the bed, and the walls are covered with pictures and posters from various bands. There are skateboards, guitars and snapbacks lying around.

Even turns around and eyes him speculatively.

Isak sets the bag down.  –  So, how are things? he asks carefully.

– Good, Even says, giving Isak a small smile. What do the muddy colours in his eyes mean? It’s like he feels down or something.

– Okay, Isak says, his uncertainty turning into desperation. He has to figure out what's wrong.  – Uh, so why have  you been so busy lately?

Even shrugs, as he sits down on his coach. – I just… Well, there’s been a lot to do at school. And I've been a little down lately, too. Sonja and I are struggling, to be honest. So I've kept to myself a lot.

That makes sense. – Oh. I’m sorry.

– Yeah, well, it’s okay, Even says, and wrinkles his eyebrows. – It's not like I'm heartbroken or anything, he adds. – It's just tiring, you know. We've been together for a very long time. Sonja believes she knows everything about who I am and what's best for me. And I.. well, I don`t.

– Okay. 

Isak doesn`t really know what he's talking about, of course. He's never been in any long lasting relationship. But he can relate to the feeling of others telling him what's best for him. He hates it

Even has a distant look in his eyes. –  I feel like she can't feel what I feel. Or think, for that matter. 

He suddenly stares at Isak. –  Agreed?

Isak swallows. It's like he's missing something between the lines. But he gets that Even is upset, and he gets his want to know his own feelings.  –  Only you can feel what you feel, he whispers.

Even meets his gaze, and something soft is in his eyes. The colours in his eyes seem much more balanced.  They stand in silence for a moment.

Even releases a slow breath. – So. Yeah. I'm sorry it's been a while. 

Isak nods. – Sure. I get that. I just thought you could talk to me about anything, he slips out.

_ Fuck, why did I say that?  _ Now he just sounds like a needy, bitter guy.  _ Fuck _ .

Even avoids his eyes. – Of course I can, Isak. I just don't want to drag you down, that’s all.

– You never drag me down, stupid, Isak sighs.  _ So, Even is just having a rough time. _ It doesn't seem like he has discovered Isak's hopeless crush yet. 

Isak decides that they can fix this. He still has this silly crush, but he can manage it. And they can still become friends again, like they used to be. – You wanna come and hang with me tomorrow? If you like, I can watch one of your favourite movies? Or just chat about love and life and stuff?

Even looks like he hesitates, but then he nods. His smile looks genuine. – That sounds nice.

– Cool.

Isak wants to hug him, but he doesn't dare to. He turns around, feeling relieved that he has made it this far. – Well, I`ll leave you to the grocery shopping and everything. See you later, then, he says.

– Later, Even answers to his back.

The next day they hang out together, just like they said they would. They end up watching another of Even`s depressing movie favourites, and Isak does all he can to hide how much he loves it. 

Everything doesn't change after that, but during January Isak and Even slowly ease up again. They hang out almost every day, sometimes with the other guys and sometimes alone. January turns into February. Isak feels like he can control his crush, at least most of the time. They talk about everything, except Sonja. Isak doesn't know why Even doesn't mention her, but he knows why  _ he  _ doesn't ask about her. He's afraid that if he asks about her, Even is going to look right through him and see how jealous he is.

He sometimes feels like Even can look right through him, anyway. Maybe others can, too. It's hard work to try to seem like everybody else. He has to talk about girls, and about making out, and he has to like the right music and the right movies, and it's tiring. Occasionally he forgets himself, too, and talks about the weird things that interest him, and gets confused when Even looks at him with amused fondness in his eyes.

Isak knows that he has to do something more, to keep his facade. He just doesn't know what.

On Saturday 20th of February, it's at a party that he gets an opportunity. Isak is a little drunk; just so much that he can forget about his worries for a moment. As Jonas and Isak arrive at the party, Yousef meets them, and tells them that Even is looking for Isak. Isak hopes that he manages to hide the fact that his heart speeds up and that he`s suddenly hot in his head. It could just be the alcohol, after all, he tells himself. He also tells himself not to expect anything. Even probably wants to show him something funny, like a stupid meme, or something. But where is he? Isak goes from room to room, but doesn't find him anywhere. Not before he’s in the kitchen.

There he sees Even standing close to a hot blonde girl.  _ Sonja _ . It must be her. And of course, she's beautiful. Just as Even is beautiful. Isak stares at them. The two of them look like they’re having an intense discussion. It's not like they are intimate or affectionate, but Isak still feels horrible about it. Even and Sonja are an item, after all. They probably have good days and bad days, but they have each other. That thought makes something churn in his stomach. Isak wants to have that. With Even. The jealousy burns in his gut and in his hands, and he takes a deep sip of his beer to calm himself. He has no right to feel like this, but he still does.

It's about time he gets over this. He should forget about Even and get a girlfriend, too. He  spots Ingrid and Sara standing next to him, leaning towards the wall.  _ Fuck it. _ On an impulse, he goes up to them, says hi and drags Sara with him into the bathroom.

She giggles and looks at him playfully. – What is it? she asks, but he doesn't have time to answer. Then he might start to think, and then he might chicken out. So he kisses her, without a word

Somehow, Sara accepts his odd behaviour and kisses him back. It’s so easy. And Isak tries to lose himself in the kiss. The anger and jealousy almost makes it feel good. But it's still fake. It does nothing for him. 

Sara looks up at him with sincere eyes. – I can blow you, if you like.

Oh. She is so businesslike about her offer, that Isak is baffled. – No… not right now. Thanks. Uh… Do you wanna get back together? he asks.

She cocks her head and smiles a little. – Aw, did you miss me?

– Yes, he answers, and kisses her again. Well, at least it’s true that he misses the safety of being with her. It always felt safe. Normal.

She looks pleased. She grabs hold of his shoulders, and kisses his neck. Isak wishes it would do something for him. He is just about to draw back, when the bathroom door opens.

_ Even _ . He stares at the two of them, but his eyes are crunched and it's too dark and his expression is impossible to read. – Uh… I’m sorry, he says, and backs out. 

Seeing Even has a sobering effect on Isak. For some reason, he doesn't want Even to see him like this. They are just friends, but he still doesn't want it. It feels wrong. He pulls Sara with him out of the bathroom. She doesn't seem to mind. – So are we together, then? she asks.

– Yes, he says, and smiles. He's gonna make this work, he tells himself, he’s gonna do the things that boyfriends do. He takes her hand and follows her through the crowd of people. Drinks his beer and watches her chat with her girlfriends.

Later in the night, when Sara has left him alone for a moment and is busy talking to some of her friends, Isak finds Even in one of the couches. He looks a little tired.

Isak wonders if he should stay away, but he doesn't want to. He sits down next to Even. – Everything good?

Even shines when he smiles, but there’s a tightness around his mouth. – Yeah. A little tired. I love hanging out with people, but sometimes big crowds become a little...much. So much noise, so many feelings.

Isak nods. He can relate to that. – You were looking for me? he says.

– Yeah, Even nods. He looks quickly at Isak and smiles. – I just wanted to see you, that’s all.

Isak knows his heart shouldn't beat faster because of that, but it does.

– It was nothing, really, Even adds. Isak feels like Even hides something, but he doesn't push it.

Even leans back and looks at him. – So, you’ve found a girl?

Isak nods. Tries to look pleased with himself. – Yeah. I got together with my ex. Sara.

– Oh, Even says, looking unreadable. – So it wasn't just a random hookup, then.

Isak shrugs. He hates to lie about stuff like this. But it's too late to stop now.

Even sighs, looks at the people on the dancefloor. – So you find a girlfriend the night I… He doesn't finish his sentence. He just smiles a vague smile. – It's so ironic.

– What do you mean?

Even just shrugs. He looks at Isak. – Nothing. So… Magnus said that your girl blew you off in that bathroom?

Isak shuts his eyes. – He assumed that she did. I never said so.

– But you didn't deny it either?

Isak blushes. – I guess not. But it didn't happen.

He doesn't want Even to believe that they got together because of a blowjob. He doesn't know why it's so important to him to tell Even that, but it is. 

Even nods, and then he smiles. – Well, congrats, Isak. I'm really glad for you.

– Thank you.

Even looks down, smiles a little. – Saaaaaraaa. She’s cute, though.

Isak feels like it’s something he doesn't get. But what? He stares at Even. It’s like… Even is a little irritable, or something. Could...

And in that moment, Eva drags Even to the dancefloor, and their talk is over. Isak looks after Even and wonders for a moment why it feels like the distance between them has grown again. It's like they don't speak the same language anymore. Well, maybe things will get better when he's gotten used to this thing with Sara, and he doesn't have to lie so much anymore. He hopes so.

A few minutes later Sara comes up to Isak, tilts her head and asks if he can follow her home. So he does. It’s not like he has other plans. He throws a quick glance after Even on the dancefloor, and for a second he allows himself to wish that Even could just turn around and tell him not to go. It's weird, and of course Even doesn`t do that. He just dances and looks far too hot as he moves his hips to the music. Isak shakes his head and follows Sara outside. 

On the way to Sara’s house, she mostly talks about people in class who irritate her. Just like she always did. Isak listens and hums to what she says, and she seems to be fine with that. This relationship threatens to be more about listening, than anything else. But Isak can live with that. 

 

As he kisses her goodnight, he tells himself that he can do this. It’s necessary. It will make everything so much easier. He just hopes he doesn't have to try to have sex with her. That would be a disaster. He can fake kissing and caressing, but strongly doubts that he can manage anything more. Well, he shouldn't worry about that right now. Sara kisses him one more time and tells him that she thinks he’s hot, and that she’s happy. Isak says he is, too.

Then he goes home, and for once, everything is calm at home. No arguments, no madness. Isak pets Lea, goes to bed and dreams about a parallel world where he can be himself.

 

**Isak: Lost**

The next week Isak spends a lot of time with Sara. They make out when they meet up in school, they hold hands and go out together. Isak is relieved when he realizes that Sara doesn't seem too eager to have sex. She texts him a lot, though, mostly complaining about other girls. The whole thing is easy, and everybody treats him like he's just like everybody else. Isak starts to relax and even posts a photo with Sara and him on Insta. He can do this, he thinks. He won’t have to be afraid of getting caught anymore. He’s just Isak, a regular straight guy. 

The whole thing still makes him feel like a fraud, of course, but who cares?

He doesn't see Even much for awhile, other than in the school yard or cafeteria from time to time. Even seems to be busy, and that’s probably for the best. If Isak’s going to make this thing with Sara work, he can't be distracted. And Even is definitely distracting. The few times Isak sees him at school, he can't help stealing glances at him.

Isak and Sara have been together for about two weeks by the 8th of March. Jonas tells Isak that he's been with a girl, Isabel from third year. The rumours say that he's gone down on her, too.  _ Good for her _ , Isak thinks, and pats Jonas’ back. Just the right spirit for Women’s day. Sara rants all evening about Vilde (with the pink eyes) being annoying. Isak doesn't say anything. He mostly wonders how this pink eyed Vilde can be important to him, and realizes that he’s starting to get fed up of Sara bitching all the time. He has never been very talkative around her, but now he barely listens. He knows he’s becoming a shitty boyfriend, but he still can't pull himself together.

On the 18th of March, there's a party at that third year William`s place, and Isak finally realizes that things aren't going so well with Sara and him. Not at all. Sara is at that party too, but she's mostly flirting with another guy. So much, that Isak decides to talk to her.

– We probably need to talk, he says, pulling her into a bathroom again, but for another reason.

– Yeah, she says, looking a little sad. He can see it because of the blue strings in her eyes. – I`m sorry, Isak, but… This isn’t working. You never have time for me anymore. We should break up.

Isak nods then. – I guess you're right.

He doesn't have to pretend to be sad. He  _ is  _ sad, but mostly because this thing wasn't an easy way out after all.

Later that night, when he sees Even in the kitchen, he goes over to him.

Even smiles then. – Everything alright? he asks. – It’s been a while!

– Yeah, sure, Isak nods, and takes a sip from his beer.

Even looks at him quickly. – I heard Sara broke up with you?

– Damn, rumours go fast! Isak muses. – But yeah. It didn't work.

– Well, I only heard it because Sara was talking very loudly, Even smiles. He looks closer at Isak, and touches his arm for a moment. – You don't seem sad?

– Nah, not that much. It was worth a try. But I guess it wasn't love.

Even smiles then, and his smile takes Isak's breath away. His eyes sparkle with all the colours, but mostly the warm ones. – Well, now that you're single, maybe you have time to hang with me again?

– Always, Isak says, smiling back.

If it's possible, it's like Even's smile intensifies. Isak leans back into the counter and realizes that he feels good. Almost relieved. The two of them chat for a while, and Isak allows himself to enjoy it. If his heart races a little too much, nobody needs to know.

The two of them end up chatting for a long time, about school, music and movies, and they miss that the party turns out to be pretty eventful, with the police showing up and everything. 

Two days later, when Isak's watching a movie with Even, Jonas texts him and admits that he fought a guy that night, for making out with Eva. Isak shakes his head and wonders if Jonas is as over Eva that he claims to be. 

– Told you that they might be meant to be, Even grins.

– Romantic sap, Isak teases. But he smiles, and Even smiles back.

They have this, now, Isak realizes. He and Even have this friendship that is light and uncomplicated, and Isak wants to cling to it for as long as he can.

Just a moment later Isak gets a text from Sara, telling him that he has a special place in her heart, and that he was her first love.  _ You, too <3 _ Isak types. At least she was his first attempt at a first love. And because of that, she was and is important to him.

However, as he hangs with Even, he feels alright in a way he never feels when he’s alone. Well, as alright as he can feel when he's falling in love with one of his best friends.

 

**Isak: Homophobic**

Easter turns out to be a boring Holiday in Oslo. Eva and the girls have travelled to Hemsedal. Jonas is busy chasing that girl from third year he went down on. Even is travelling with his family. On the top of it all, Isak's mother is struggling, and Isak can hardly stand being at home anymore. He spends most of his time studying in the library. 

When Even finally comes home the last weekend of Easter and they can hang together, Isak feels like he finally can breathe for a moment again. He just loves spending time with Even. They watch a couple of movies, play FIFa and chat about everything and nothing and it's so  _ nice _ . Isak tells Even a little about his father moving out and his mother breaking down (even if he spares him the details) and Even tells Isak a little about his own background and his friends. It's a beginning of a good friendship.

Isak is desperate, though. It's not easy to put a lid on his attraction; he can't help sending Even long looks whenever he laughs or smiles, or just  _ is _ . Because Even is so beautiful, and so kind, and smart, and he is everything Isak wants. And Even has no clue. He`s just friendly and warm and he always seems so fond of Isak, for no apparent reason. He's being a good friend, while Isak struggles. It's so hard to keep it all to himself; almost painful. Still, spending time with Even is so much better than being alone, at home. Being afraid of his mother. Even is a haven that Isak wishes he could live in, but that he knows he can just visit. Isak knows he can`t get what he wants, so he'll take what he can get. 

That weekend, Isak learns that Jonas finally has managed to get the third year girl; Isabel. She's very beautiful, and Jonas seems happy. Isak is glad for him. Eva still pops up in his mind, though.

– So, is Eva good with that? Isak asks. He and Even are sitting in Jonas’ boys room.

Jonas looks guilty. – Well, it's not like I've told her.

– Why not? Even asks, with curiosity in his eyes.

– I'm just not sure if Eva will approve of Isabell, I guess. I just need a little more time.

Isak frowns. – She should hear it from you.

Even nods, like he's agreeing. 

– I know, Jonas says.

Still, Eva apparently ends up hearing everything from Noora instead. She doesn't take it well. On the 1st of April, the Penetrators throw a party, and Eva turns up, drunk and clingy, and throws herself at Isak. She mumbles about Jonas and his new girlfriend, and Isak silently wonders when the Jonas and Eva saga will end.

Then Eva tries to kiss Isak. And Isak freezes as she asks him why he won’t kiss her and if he likes boys. Like, fuck, when did she figure that out? Isak’s heart races and he feels sick to his stomach. He had expected Eva to figure it out before Christmas, when he made her guess why he did that shit to her and Jonas. Hell, he had almost come out then. But, no. Now apparently is the time. It’s like everything is falling down around him. But then Eva moves on, clinging to Vilde at the bar, and Isak realizes that she's only guessing. Nobody knows. She`ll forget about it all tomorrow. Isak sighs, feeling both relieved and disappointed at once. 

He's not gay, he says to himself. He knows the lie doesn't make anyone other than him an April`s fool.

He keeps living his life without saying a word about how he feels. 

A couple of weeks later, Jonas gets beaten up by the Yakuza. Apparently it was some sort of revenge for the last fight Jonas was in. 

When Isak hears about it, he gets furious. Who are these idiots who think that they can beat up Isak's best friend? When he realizes that the whole thing is because of Eva, he somehow feels guilty, too. Maybe if he'd been a better friend, Jonas and Eva wouldn't have broken up. If it weren't for the break up, Jonas wouldn't have fought anyone.

The guilt makes him even more furious. Isak feels like he needs to do something about it. The Yakuza gang should get their own medicine. What if he could get the Penetrators to fight back? Isak thinks there might be a possibility. Like everybody at school, he knows that the Yakuza guys have attacked the Penetrators and are after one of them; William. Isak doesn't know William, but he has been talking a little  to his best friend Chris Schistad. Isak can’t let go of the idea that forms in his head. He contacts Chris and talks to him about setting up another fight, between the Penetrators and the Yakuza. 

Then it’s settled. It's going to happen. Somehow Isak feels he needs it. Maybe punching someone can help him not feel so trapped, guilty and alone all the time.

He doesn't tell anybody else about this. He suspects that both Jonas, Even and the other guys would talk him out of it. He can’t risk that. He needs this. He needs something to put all his guilt, worry and anger into. So he goes through his days pretending that everything’s fine. He’s getting better and better at pretending.

On Saturday 23rd of April, Isak gets a strange message from someone called @eazy eskild on Insta, a guy who claims that he knows some of his friends. 

_ Halla, Isakyaki, you seem like a cool guy. I am Eskild, the flatmate of Noora and a friend of Eva. You know them, right? _

_ Sure, _ Isak says. He checks out Eskild`s account. He seems like a funny guy; very social and very, very gay. His account is flooded with rainbows, and Eskild is posing with makeup and boas, and... Isak feels a little uneasy as he watches the pictures. Isak often feels awkward with people flaunting their gayness. He knows it’s not  _ right  _ to feel like that, but he still doesn't want anyone to think of him that way. He’s not gay like that. He’s not about makeup, rainbows and musicals and shit. He is just a regular guy who likes soccer, science, video games, tough music and… well, boys.

Isak knows he should be fine with others being gay like that, though. So he tries to overcome his general awkwardness and scepticism and give the guy a chance. Eskild seems like a funny guy, and it`s only chatting, after all.

_ I've known Eva for years _ , he types in the end.  _ She's the ex of my best bud, too. _

_ Cool,  _ Eskild types. 

_ So. Excuse me, but what do you want? _

Uh oh. That came out a little harsh, maybe.  _ I mean, why did you contact me? _

_ Oh my. I just wanted to say hi, sweetie. Love your pictures. So, conspiracy theories are your thing, or? _

_ Hah, because of the illuminati shit? Nah. It’s just for fun, Eazy E. Tell me, what’s your nick about? _

_ Believe it or not, Isak, but yes, it’s a homage to Eazy E in NWA.  _

_ Cool. Why wouldn't I believe that? _

_ No, why not. You don't know me. But let’s just say that my taste in music is eclectic, and I’m not the most typical NWA fan. :) _

Isak has to smile.  _ Who cares. You like what you like. Nobody should dictate that. _

_ True, Izzy, true.  _

Isak doesn't quite get what the guy is on about, but he still chats a little more with him. Eazy Eskild turns out to be a funny guy. 

That same day things get too messy at home, though. His mother shouts out bible verses and rummages around the house. When she also shouts about devils planting sinful thoughts in her head, and she looks at Isak as if she doesn't know him and accuses him of wanting to hurt her, he realizes that he can't take it anymore.

His mother is too sick and too scary and everything is shit. He just needs to forget it all for a moment. Isak finds some of his parents’ booze and starts drinking. And for a moment, it helps. The buzz makes him relax and forget everything. Then he gets so drunk that he hardly can stand. He needs to go out, he decides. Meet some people. So he does. Why he ends up in a gay bar (and how he gets in) is unclear to him. But he ends up at the bar, accepting drinks left and right and muttering about his shitty life. The guys around him don't seem to mind that he's too young to be there.

But then a strangely familiar face approaches him. – Isakyaki? the guy says, looking worried. His eyes have the pink colour of care and nurturing, and Isak knows that he can trust him. – You alright?

Isak stares at him, not understanding shit. His head is swimming. – Who are you?

The guy smiles, but has still this worried look on his face. – Eazy Eskild, remember? From Insta? I know a couple of your friends. Noora? Eva?

– Right, Isak mutters. – Life is shit, Eazy E. Fuck. Everything is shit. 

– I know, I know, Eskild says. – But I think you shouldn't be here right now, Isak. I should take you home.

Isak shakes his head and clutches his drink. – No! I don't wanna go home. I’m never going back there.

He may be drunk, but he's clear about that. No way in hell that he's going home to that craziness ever again. 

Eskild stares at him, the pink in his eyes is specked with blue strings. He looks puzzled and worried at the same time. – Okay. We'll figure it out, Isak. 

They do. Eskild drags him home in a cab, sneaks him inside and lets him spend the night on a mattress in his room. – Just for tonight, he says. – We'll have to find another solution for later. Or else Linn and Noora will only hassle me for dragging in another stray cat.

– Noora? Like Eva’s best friend Noora? Isak asks. 

– Yeah, what about her?

_ Oh no _ . Isak sweats. Fuck, she can`t know about the bar. Nobody can. If Noora knows, Eva knows, and then Jonas knows, and probably everyone. Isak looks at Eskild with a pleading look. – She can’t know that I stay here. Okay? Please don’t tell her? Or anyone?

– Believe me, I won't tell her, Eskild says. – She would probably just be mad about it. But I won't tell anyone.

While Isak settles on the mattress, Eskild chats about his flatmates and life in general. His talk is strangely comforting. Isak hardly manages to make a sound before he falls asleep. 

The next day Isak wakes up to a glass of water and Ibux next to him. He feels like shit. And he doesn't know what to do. He knows he can't stay. All the rooms in the collective are occupied, and he wouldn't want Noora or anyone else to know anything. – Please don't tell anyone, Isak pleads again, when Eskild feeds him breakfast. – Don't tell anyone about the bar or… any of this?

Eskild stares at him. – I know, you told me not to tell yesterday. But. You know you don't have to carry all this shit alone, Isak?

– I'm fine, Isak lies. – I just need a place to stay for a day or two. I'll find a place for later. 

– You do? Do you know anyone you can ask for help?

Isak thinks for a moment, then he shakes his head. – I don't want to tell anyone about this. But I'll find a way.

Eskild sighs. – You can`t sleep on the streets, Isak, for Christ's sake. I'll see if I can find a place here. 

Isak stares at him, feeling the tears form in his eyes. – Maybe just a couple of nights, he says. – I just can't go home. I won't bother you, though; I can stay anywhere. In a corner or in the basement; anywhere.

– The basement? Eskild says, looking thoughtful. – That might actually be a solution. Especially if you want nobody to know you're here. It's pretty warm and comfortable next to the washing machines. And there’s a toilet down there.

So that`s it. Isak gets to stay in the basement of what Eskild calls Kollektivet. His life continues just as before; he goes to school, hangs out with his friends and even plans a fight against the Yakuza brats, and the only difference is that he lives in a fucking basement. 

It's really not that bad, though. Eskild gives him a mattress, some bedding and even lets him borrow some of his clothes. Isak doesn't have a fridge or a decent bathroom, but he finds a closet where he can store his food, and there's a toilet he can use. He even gets to borrow the shower or the kitchen whenever the flat is empty. He even has his own keys. 

A couple of days after Eskild picked him up, Isak meets Even in the school cafeteria for lunch. It feels good. Normal. Almost like no shit has happened at all. However, Even notices that he looks a little tired, though. 

– Are you sleeping alright? Even asks. He studies Isak’s face. – You look a little pale, and… well, not so good.

Isak feels hot in his cheeks. – Yeah, no, I guess I struggle a little sleeping, he admits. – But it's alright. I'll manage. 

– Just tell me if you want any advice, Even says. His smile is so sweet it makes Isak's heart ache. – I struggle with sleeping sometimes, too. More and more, actually. I’ve been a little restless, too, lately. More distracted than normal. And irritable. Mom thinks that I have ADHD. Well, she’s joking, but I suppose she’s worried.

Isak nods. Even’s openness floors him. – It’s probably nothing, he says. – Maybe you're just stressed? And lacking sleep? I always get weird when I can’t sleep. Everything gets foggy.

Even shrugs. – Yeah, you’re probably right.

Isak stares at his food and partly regrets that he brushed away his own difficulties. He could really do with some good advice. Or a good hug. Maybe both. He just doesn't want to include Even in his troubles. He doesn't want to worry him, and he`s afraid that if he first starts to say something, a dam will break and he will say it all.

They eat. And Isak doesn't really think much of it when Even offers for him to taste some of his food. He leans forward and accepts the food from Even's fork. It takes a moment before Isak realizes how intimate it is. He meets Even`s gaze and gets lost in the sparkling colours in Even`s eyes. Even watches him as he licks his lips and wipes away a crumble of food. Isak swallows.  Suddenly it occurs to him what it must look like for others. He glances around. Luckily, no one is paying them any attention. Isak looks down, and breathes out.  _ No harm done, I don't think. _

He looks up to find Even staring at him with a look in his eyes that unsettles him. There's a dark red in his eyes, at the same time as he looks concerned. Is the red anger? Excitement? Passion? Isak doesn't get it.

But then Even smiles, and his eyes sparkle in the warm colours. And Isak is paralyzed. Even's smile is breathtaking. His lips looks so kissable… Isak doesn't know what comes over him, but he reaches for Even's face and lets his thumb trace Even's lower lip. 

They both freeze. 

–  Uh, sorry, Isak whispers.

Even swallows. Shuts his mouth. Then something concerned is in his eyes.  – Just let`s not, he says.

Isak draws back and stares at him, horrified.  _ Fuck _ . He just touched Even, on his lips, for no apparent reason.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck! _

– I mean, Even continues, and Isak stops him.

– No, no, no, sorry, Even, don't…. I just… can we just forget this? 

Even doesn't get a chance to answer, for just in that moment,  Jonas joins them. He has brought Magnus and another guy from one of his classes. 

– Halla!  Magnus shouts.  – Wazzup?

– Hi guys, this is Mahdi, Jonas says. Just as calm as always. – Can we join you?

– Sure, Isak says. – Hi, Mahdi, I`m Isak. This is Even.

– Hi, Mahdi smiles.

– Yeah, hi guys, sit down, I'm just gonna fetch some napkins, Even mumbles, and goes to the counter in the cafeteria.

Isak does what he can not to stare after him.  _ Fuck. Shit. Fuck _ . He doesn't get what happened; what made his brain shortcut. But it was as if the intimacy of Even giving him the food just made his brain stop functioning. And now Even probably hates him. 

Isak feels like shit. 

He's glad that Jonas and the other boys are here. The guys start to chat about girls again, and they really get going when the dance girls enter the cafeteria. 

– Fuck, they're so hot, Magnus groans. – Why are they all so hot?

Isak follows his gaze. The girls don't interest him at all, of course. Life would have been so much easier if they could, but they just don't. The one figure who catches his eye, is the tall guy in tights who walks in next to the girls.  _ Tights! Christ. _ Isak feels uncomfortable, and frustrated because he doesn't quite know why. It just irritates him that the guy looks so feminine. That dude is probably 100 % gay, and totally fine about it. Isak knows he's not like that. He doesn't know what he is, but he's not like that.

He groans. – Does that guy need to be so gay? he asks Jonas. 

Jonas looks at him. – Huh? 

– You didn't notice? He`s ultra gay. 

Jonas wrinkles his impressive eyebrows. He looks irritated and concerned at the same time. – What's up with you dissing people who are gay? 

Isak shrugs. – I didn't diss him. But you could see it. 

Jonas raises one of his eyebrows and the yellow in his eyes has red strings.  _ Irritation _ . – Yeah, but you're just pointing out that he's gay or what? Really great observation, Isak.

Isak blushes, and feels like an idiot. Fuck, that wasn't what he meant. That dude just pissed him off, and he doesn't even know why. He still can`t take it back. He glares at Jonas. – What's up with you? he says. – You're being so pissy? 

– With me? Huh?!  _ Me? You're _ the one who's fucking grouchy!

In just that moment, Even gets back to the table. – What`s up? he asks. 

– Isak's just being a dick and a fucking homophobe, Jonas says, shaking his head. – Pointing out that the guy over there is too gay or something.  

– I`m not a homophobe! Isak protests, feeling horrified. He doesn't want Even to believe he's gay, but he doesn't want him to believe that he's a fucking prejudiced prick either. – Jonas is just being pissed for some reason. 

Even just looks at them with a concerned look on his face. But then Magnus saves them from the awkward silence with an elaborate speech about the dance chicks. Isak zones out, as he picks at his food. He knows he's fucked up, and he hopes that Even doesn't start hating him, just because he touched him. It was a pretty innocent touch, after all. 

The next days Isak doesn't see Even much. At first Isak doesn't think much of it. Then he starts to wonder if Even reacted to the strange moment in the cafeteria, after all. Either the touch, or his stupid comment about that guy, or both. Isak doesn't know what feels worst.

When almost a week has passed, and he has only seen Even of the other side of the school yard, Isak decides to figure out what's wrong.  Instead of going directly home from school, he goes to Even's house, pausing in front of the door to gather his wits about him. He doesn't know what he is going to say, but he desperately wants to see Even. He knocks on the door.

There is no answer. His nerves play havoc in his stomach while he waits. Several minutes go by before he has the courage to knock again.

–  What do you need, Mikael? Even's voice comes through the door.  –  I've already told you, I'm not going. That's final.

–  Hey Even, it's Isak. I'd like to talk with you if that's okay, Isak calls back.

The response is so long in coming that he starts to feel foolish. Finally the door swings outwards slightly, and Even fills the opening.

– Hi, Isak.  What do you want? Even asks. His hair falls around his face. The colours in his eyes are a little more intense than they used to be. Isak can see a lot of yellow, that might be nerves, red, that might be some sort of agitation, and cool blues of sadness or worry. Is he agitated and sad? Why?

Isak swallows.  – Hi…  Uh... can I come in? he asks.

Even looks at him curiously, a small frown furrowing his brow like he’s trying to figure out what Isak has just said. He doesn't move to open the door any further. He acts a bit different than he usually does. He still looks amazing, though. Isak takes in his face and large eyes.  _ Gorgeous. _

– It can`t be long, I'm going grocery shopping, Even finally says. – I have a lot of school work, too, and a project I want to finish.

– It doesn't have to be long, Isak says then.

Even smirks without humor and swings the door open. Isak steps in on automatic pilot. The hallway is bright and slightly messy. Even doesn't lead him inside the house. Isak leans against the door and Even stands a few feet away, his arms folded across his chest. Isak stares at him, taking him in again.

– So, what's on your mind? Even asks , his voice taking on a sarcastic tone . –  Did you just come to stare at me? Or maybe to kiss me? 

He raises an eyebrow.

Heat rushes through Isak. Even’s suggestion is a shock to Isak’s whole body. His chest tightens and his cock starts to plump. He takes a step toward Even. It's hard to tell in the dim light, but Even’s eyes seem to shimmer in yellows, reds and blues. The intensity of the colours baffles him, it reminds him a little of the sickly yellow he sometimes sees in his Mom’s eyes. When his Mom is sick, the clear and warm yellow in her eyes turns more intense, almost like a neon yellow. And sometimes the colour has grey strings of despair. Even’s colours are just as intense now, and the yellow has the same nuance.

What's with Even?  Isak's  heart is beating too loudly in his chest. He tries to ignore it. 

– It's been a while, he finally says. –  Can we talk?

Even's slightly sardonic expression doesn't change. – Yeah... well... 

He snaps his mouth shut and looks at the floor. Finally he looks back up and asks: – What do you want, Isak?

Isak frowns. Even is behaving  _ very _ differently from how he usually does. Isak has never seen him like this before. Was it so bad that he touched his lip? – What's the deal? he asks. – Have I done something wrong? You seem angry?

Even raises his eyebrows.  – I do, do I? I didn't know that you were that perceptive, Isak.

– You're mad at me. 

It's not a question this time. Isak has this sinking feeling in his gut, and it almost makes him sick. 

Even shrugs, and suddenly he looks tired. – Not mad. Disappointed maybe. I… 

He takes a deep breath, like he has to muster some courage. – Isak. If you want to hang with me, you need to quit the homophobic crap.

Isak stares at him in confusion. Homo _ phobic _ ? He gets what Even is thinking about, but he still doesn't quite understand it. What he said wasn't worse than what others have been saying to him for years.

Even stares at him like he's an idiot. – You know that shit you said in the cafeteria, about the guy training the dance chicks, wasn't okay. 

_ Of course I know. _ Isak doesn't know if he wants to laugh or cry. – I know. That was… That was just... Fuck, I was just having a bad day, Even. Struggling with shit. I'm not a fucking homophobe. 

Even looks at him, and something in his eyes softens. – Well, stop saying things like that, then.

Isak has to swallow. A part of him knows his unease around guys like the dance teacher is wrong. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. – Fine. I will.

– Fine, Even says and gives him a quick smile. – I’m thirsty. Let’s go to the kitchen. You want something?

Isak follows him through the house. – Just some water, maybe.

In the kitchen, Even finds them both some water, while Isak leans to the counter. When Even hands him the glass he  still has a tense look in his face. Well, at least he doesn't look irritated anymore.  He probably still thinks Isak is an idiot, though. Their fingers brush against each other when Isak takes his glass, and something shifts in Even’s eyes. When he looks at Isak he almost seems concerned.

Isak drinks a sip from his glass and sighs. He desperately wants to explain himself, but he doesn't know how to. Not without revealing everything. 

He looks quickly at Even,  who suddenly has a fond expression in his face. Isak swallows.  – I.. uh… It was sort of jealousy that made me say that thing, Even, he admits. – That guy seemed to know who he was and what he wanted, and I was mad because I couldn't have that.   And, yeah, maybe he made me feel uneasy too, I don’t know why.

Even still looks tired, but his eyes have warmer colours. – Yeah, okay. I know this isn't easy. It's just… Prejudice and hate can be so fucking tiring, he says. – Believe me, I know. Haters are everywhere.

Isak looks at him in wonder. What sort of prejudice can Even be talking about? As a white, hot, straight guy from a rich country? 

– Is it really that bad? he asks.

Even sighs as he leans to the counter next to him. – You know it is, Isak. You know, when some of the guys talk about some music being gay, or just use gay as a slur. Prejudices are alive and well around here, thank you very much.

_ You know it is _ . Isak swallows. – Yeah...

Even looks at him with a lot of nervous yellow in his eyes. – Tell me off of I’m wrong, but you aren't really straight as a ruler yourself, are you?

Isak stares at him with growing horror and a tremor runs up his spine. – Uh...

Isak feels like he's shrinking. He’s about to deny he is gay, but manages to hold his tongue. It’s obvious that Even has figured him out and there’s no point in blatantly lying to him.

– Maybe not.

Even nods. His voice is warmer when he says: – Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, he says. – And you don't have to tell anyone before you're ready for it, either, you know.

Isak releases his breath. He doesn't know what to say. He’s still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Even knows he is gay. – I ... yeah. No one knows, he whispers. – I just don't know what I am, really, and that guy I talked about seemed to know it all, and I felt like I couldn't identify with him and it just… it made me frustrated. I`m sorry.

Even nods, giving him a small smile. – Okay, I get that, Isak. You`re not the only one who feels like this.

He starts jumping on the balls of his feet. – You’re really not alone feeling what you feel, Isak. Society bombards us with signals that say that being different is wrong, that masculinity is worth more than femininity, that you should fear anything resembling weakness. It's so easy to start hating yourself, and others. But you should figure that shit out, you know.

Isak nods. – Yeah, I know… 

But how could he do that? How could he take away that ache in his stomach, that came every time he feared that someone  _ knew _ ? How could he take away the anger that came every time people talked about being gay like it was something dirty? How could he take away the unease he felt when he noticed feminine traits in others or himself? How could he take away the shame for feeling like this?

He looks at Even. – I wish I just could take it all away, he says, feeling tired. 

Even looks at him, his eyes are in the shadow, and it’s difficult to tell what he feels. However, his voice is warm when he says: – Yeah. I get that, Isak. But it will get better. So. Anything else you wanna talk about?

– No, I guess I just… 

Isak finishes his water and puts his glass down. He feels hot in his head. He doesn't know what he wants to talk about, or what he wants in general. His thoughts are in a whirl, bouncing back and forth between shame, worry and attraction to Even. The fact that Even has been annoyed with him, doesn't take away the attraction, it seems. Just the sight of Even makes Isak flush hot and cold. God, he wishes he could just wind back the time and kiss him and hold him, just one more time. But Even can’t ever know that. Even if he knows that Isak’s gay, he can't know that.

– I just wanted to see you, that’s all, Isak admits. That`s the only thing he knows. He wants to see more of Even, if he can. He wants… he wants so much, but he'll take what he can get.

Even stares at him, and Isak doesn't get why he looks so tense. – Well, Even says, chuckling a little, like he's nervous, – you've seen me, I guess?

– Yes, but ... I want… Isak trails off. He`s about to say he wants to just hang together, talk and become friends again, but he struggles to read Even right now, and he suspects that Even has had more than enough of his closeted friend. Even has his own life, after all,  _ and a girlfriend _ . 

– I don't know, he says, defeated.

– Okay, Even says, staring into Isak's eyes. Isak feels hot. There are a lot of red nuances in Even’s eyes, and the colour is too bright to be anger, but Isak doesn't dare to hope. Then Even’s eyes drops to his lips. Isak feels hypnotised by Even’s own eyes and lips. Suddenly there’s a heat between them, that he can't deny. It’s like the air between them shimmers, and he feels an aching need in his groin and in his hands. 

Even sighs, and licks his lips. – Fuck, you drive me crazy, Isak. 

He suddenly steps into Isak's space and grabs his arms, pushing him back against the counter. – You do want to kiss me, don’t you? he says, in this dark voice that makes Isak shiver. He stares into Isak’s eyes, like he searches  for an answer, or a sign. Isak feels the heat of Even’s breath on his face.  _ Yes _ . He wants this. He doesn't know if it means anything, or if it ever will, but right now, he doesn't care. He needs this. He nods. Then Even’s lips are on Isak's, warm and demanding.

All the synapses in Isak's brain fire at once, causing him to short circuit. It takes a few seconds for Isak to get what’s happening, and when he finally does he finds that his arms are clutching Even's lean body against his, and his lips are pressing hotly against Even's in a passionate kiss. Even's lips are soft and full, but not yielding; they are demanding. Challenging. Isak feels overwhelmed and excited at the same time. Even's onslaught has him moaning with desire, needing more, more, more.

His hand comes up and tangles in Even's hair, holding his head while his tongue thrusts out and flicks over Even's lips. Even parts his lips, and Isak's tongue plunges into the other man's sweet mouth, plundering it. Even lets go of his mouth for a moment and kisses and licks at his neck. Isak moans. He feels the rasp of Even's cheek against his. He touches the side of Even's face with his fingers, confirming the stubble.  _ Oh God! This is happening!  _ He is overwhelmed with a passion so hot he feels like he is going to burst into flames.

Another moan comes from deep in his throat. He becomes aware that his cock is fully engorged and ready to burst. Even's body is pressed firmly against his and he feels an iron bar pushing against his thigh that can only be Even's own erection.

_ This is too good. This is too much. _ His brain spins with sensation. He's never been so turned on in his life. Finally the need to breath overcomes his need to make Even swallow his tongue and he pulled away gasping for air.

– Dude! Even's voice is a low growl.

– Yeah, Isak pants in agreement. Then his mouth is back on Even's again, devouring him. His tongue snakes back inside the boy's hot mouth and Even sucks on it, hard. Isak almost orgasms right then.

Even lets out a desperate whimper and begins to grind against Isak. Isak feels the steel of another shaft against his own. It's better than his dreams.  _ Oh God! Oh God! _ His balls draw up.

Suddenly Even pulls away, retreating quickly to the other side of the kitchen. Isak feels bereft as cool air takes the place of the warm body he's had in his arms. His mind is in a sex-drunken daze. His cock is painfully hard in his pants, and he's panting like he's just run a mile at full speed.

He stares across the room at Even who`s looking at him with an expression that Isak can't read.

– Even... Isak whispers. The longing in his voice is shocking in its intensity.  _ Oh God! I want you so bad. I need ... I need... _

– I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, Even says, looking almost shocked.

Isak's balls begins to ache as his cock realizes that orgasm is no longer imminent. He lets out a small moan, closes his eyes, and leans his head back against the door. His brain is still awash with lust. Heat flows up and down his body. He takes deep breaths trying to regain his control. He becomes aware that his underwear is damp; he's been leaking precum. His dazed mind tries to analyze what just happened. He's never been so out-of-control turned-on in his life.

– I'm sorry, Isak, he hears Even say. – Are you okay?

He opens his eyes and looks at him. Even is standing at the far end of the room looking worried.

– I'm...

The first word comes out so gravelly it's almost incomprehensible. Isak swallows, takes a deep breath, and tries again. – I'm fine.

Better. Still raspy.  _ Fuck, I am so turned on right now a breath of wind would cause me to blow. _

Even leans back against the wall and rubs his forehead. – I'm really sorry, Isak. I ... I don't know what else to say.

– Why. Why did you do that? Isak asks.

Even glances up at him, and his eyes are full of guilt. – It was wrong of me. I'm sorry. I just didn't think...

– No, I'm not... mad. I just want to know why?

Even looks restless, and almost confused. – I wanted to. I had to.

He quickly follows this assertion with clarification, his words spilling out one after another. – That's part of it. I mean, I thought you might want to, as well.

He glances briefly at Isak as if to gauge his reaction, then looks at his hands. – I mean, when I saw you at the door, the way you looked at me, I thought you wanted to kiss me. And I guess I wanted to find out whether or not you'd like it. Whether you were just a bit curious or really gay.

– Really gay, Isak echoes, still trying to sort his thoughts. He feels horny and nauseous at the same time.  _ Oh hell... _ So Even was doing this like a test or something, then?

Even looks at him, and suddenly it's like he picks up something, and he looks both confused and worried. – No, no, Isak, sorry, I didn't mean it like  _ that _ , he says. – I don't know… It’s like I didn't think at all, to be honest.

Isak shuts his eyes as his knees almost give in. Isak needs time to process what just happened. 

– I'm sorry, Even says again. – I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong. I never should have pushed...

– No, it's okay, Isak interrupts. – I ... I've never ... fuck! I can't believe… 

Isak's about to say he can't believe how turned on he's been, but somehow he can't get the words out. – I've known I was attracted to guys for a long time. I've never acted on it. I didn't realize it would be so ... intense.

– Yeah, intense, Even says. He meets his eyes and something sparks between them causing a flush in Isak's chest. 

Isak nods absently and silence hangs in the room like a sinister ghost between them. So, Even's not straight anyway, then? Or is he? He has a girlfriend, after all? Isak wants to ask if Even likes both boys and girls, but he doesn't dare to. He'll probably just fuck up with some homophobic shit again. Better to stay silent. 

Their eyes meet. Even gives him a shaky smile, and Isak smiles back. 

There's a small awkward silence between them. 

Finally Even speaks.  – This doesn't have to change anything, you know, he says. – We're still best friends, right? And if you want to, I can find a deep secret to tell you. For leverage, you know. 

Isak snorts. – Good idea. It should be some big fucking secret, though.

– Of course. 

They laugh a little.

Even looks at him with a question in his eyes. – So. You don't have to answer me this, but uh,  are you ever going to come out, or are you still thinking of getting another girlfriend?

He looks tense when he met Isak’s gaze.

–  Uh…

Isak blinks at Even, blushing a little.  –  I... up until around Easter I was hoping to have a girlfriend. You know, I was with Sara and I thought everything was easier like that. 

Even nods. – I get that.  What changed?

–  Well, Sara dumped me. I wasn't exactly a attentive boyfriend. And uh, well, I'm having trouble finding a girl I like.

Even snorts.  –  Well ... duh!

Isak shrugs, and smiles a little. It's just only a part of the truth, anyway. Even is the sole reason he has lost his hope about having a girlfriend. Even has shaken his world in a way nobody else ever has. 

And in the end, it doesn't matter. Even doesn't want him. Probably. Not like that. They’re friends, and Even has Sonja.  _ Fuck _ . Isak's eyes sting. Shit, this whole ordeal has made him emotional as fuck. He can't… He just can't cry now, not in front of Even.

– I have to go,  he says, turning to the door. His eyes are burning and his chest is tight. He has to get out of there.

–  Shit, I'm sorry Isak, Even says, holding him back with his words. – I was way out of line. I shouldn't have pushed you like this. I... got carried away, I suppose. I should have known better, really.

Isak takes a breath. –  No, not really. I just… I have thought a lot about coming out and I never… never thought it would be like this, I guess. So. I`m sorry, too. But I need to go now. Uhm. See you around.

– Isak?

– Yeah?

Even looks embarrassed. – You can still talk to me whenever you want to, alright?

– Yeah. Sure. Thanks.

_ Words _ . Even probably means it, but still, it’s just words. Isak leaves as quickly as he can.  – Later, he says, and he doesn't wait go an answer.

When he comes home, he sinks onto his mattress with a sigh. After a little while Eskild pops his head inside and raises an eyebrow at him.  –  You look like someone just killed your dog, Isak, what’s up?

–  Just having a bad day, Isak mutters. 

Eskild comes in. – Now, I can see that it’s more than that, Isak. Can I join you?

Isak nods, and Eskild sits down next to Isak on the mattress. – So, bad day, eh?

Isak nods and stares into space. – You can say that.

His thoughts are jumping around between Even’s irritation and slightly strange behaviour, how Even suddenly knew and how they kissed. It was a lot. And now he can't deny that he’s far too invested in Even. How can he manage to stay friendly with him?

– Do you wanna… talk? Eskild asks.

Isak looks into his eyes. Nurturing pink with strings of blue worry. The sight makes Isak relax a little. Eskild is weird in many ways, but Isak knows he can trust him. 

– I don’t know, he says, hesitating. Eskild is the only gay guy he knows. If he ever should come out to someone, it should be to him. Isak sighs. He’s so tired of keeping it all to himself.

_ It’s now or never _ . 

– Eskild? he says, feeling his cheeks burn. – I think I want to tell you something.

Eskild rests his eyes on him. His eyes and the pink in them has a calming effect on Isak. – Okay?

Isak takes a deep breath.  – I think… I have a thing for one of my best friends, he admits. – Even.

Eskild smiles a slow smile. – But that’s great, Isak!

Isak blushes. – Yeah, maybe not if he’s got a girlfriend, he sighs. – And maybe not when I act like a homophobic asshole around him, either.

Eskild looks at him. – A girlfriend? And wait… Homophobic?

Isak groans. – I don't know why, but I feel… wrong sometimes. I’m not sure that I’m gay, and I don’t want anyone to know. 

– That’s alright, Isak, Eskild says. – That doesn't matter. The most important thing is that you've found someone you like.

– No, but it’s more than that.

Isak sighs. Saying this feels even more difficult than admitting his crush on Even. Eskild won't like this. – I kind of struggle when guys are gay - gay, you know, Isak says. – When they`re very feminine with tights and mascara and stuff. It’s like I can’t relate, and I feel uneasy. And I know it’s wrong, and I feel so... ashamed. But I still feel like that. And I might have said some stupid shit, too. And now Even thinks I am an idiot. Which basically is true.

He stares at his hands. The basement is quiet for a moment. 

– I’m glad you come to me with this, Isak, Eskild says. – It's good that you see that the way you feel is… problematic. 

– I feel an ache in my stomach everytime I fear that someone knows, Isak admits. – Hell, I got a girlfriend just to hide it from everyone. And when someone says that the music I like is to gay or something, I feel sick. And I just want that feeling to go away. I just don't know how to make it go away. 

Eskild sighs. – You know, it would have been so easy to give you one of my speeches right now, Isak. Because you know those who have worn tights and mascara and went out and fought for the right to be who they are, who, throughout the years, have chosen to endure harassment... and hate… They deserve respect, you know! But I know that you're not alone struggling with these feelings. It's so easy to start hating yourself when you don't fit into what society says is right.

– But why can't I just accept it all?

Eskild shrugs. – It takes time, sometimes, to figure out who you are and learn to accept all sides of yourself. And others. Maybe you need to re-learn some of the things you thought you knew. 

– Maybe.

Isak releases a shaky breath. Talking to Eskild is a lot easier than he thought it would be. It baffles him a little that Eskild doesn't have much of a reaction, though. – You weren't surprised at all when I told you this? Isak says. 

Eskild laughs, reminding him that they met in a gay bar. Isak tries to pretend like he never knew, but of course Eskild looks right through him. And in the end, it doesn't matter. It`s probably about time he starts to let go of his mask of masculinity or coolness.

They talk for a while there in the basement, until Eskild has to go. – You don't have to worry about all these things alone, Isak, Eskild says. – You can ask me about stuff whenever you need to, okay?

– Okay.

Isak sits on his mattress for a long time, and both Eskild`s and  Even's words keeps echoing through his head. He realizes that these feelings that he struggles with  _ are _ kind of homophobic, and maybe that`s why it's been so difficult to accept who he is and what he wants. But if he isn't going end up with a girlfriend, and he is beginning to think that is a very bad idea for both him and the girl, then what the hell is he going to do? No self-respecting gay man would want to join him in his half open closet. Isak will either have to come out for real or spend the rest of his life wishing he has. 

However, one thing is certain: No matter what he does, it doesn't matter if he can't be with Even. That realization hits him like a sledgehammer to the back of his head.

**Isak: To Hell with it**

Isak doesn't see Even for a couple of days. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and he lets himself get caught up in the planning and execution of the Yakuza fight, and all the drama around it. For a moment, he can forget all his worries, and he feels like he's part of something bigger. 

Of course he isn't, not really. Afterwards he's sort of glad he never told Even about it all, because it suddenly feels just… silly. And he suspects that Even would think so, too. The fight was just a meaningless mess of rage, adrenaline, testosterone and violence. Nothing would change because of it. Jonas wouldn't feel better because of it. Not any of the others, either. Heck, that William dude would probably get in trouble because of it, too. 

Isak decides to stop messing with shit like that and start focusing on what he wants. So, in the beginning of May he spends most of his time studying. Nothing much else happens. He still hangs out with Even, Mikael, Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi from time to time, and sometimes also with Elias, Yousef, Adam and Mutta. When he’s home, he even chats with Eskild. Suddenly he has a wide circle of friends. He never takes the initiative to hang with Even alone, though.

One day he gets a text from Sara, who says she dreamt about him. He doesn't answer, because he doesn't know what to say. He answers when a text from Even tics in, though, even if it’s in the middle of the night.

_ So, are you up for a movie night again soon? _

Isak is relieved that Even at least doesn't seem to be avoiding him. He types:  _ Sure, Even. But it`s three o'clock in the morning? Why are you up? _

_ Sleep is the cousin of death, Isak. _

_ Huh. Quoting Nas, eh?  _

_ Sure. Googled it, didn't you? :) _

Isak has to laugh when he types in his answer:  _ Yeah. :) But I read a comic once, where Dream was the brother to Death. It was cool. _

_ You read The Sandman, what the fuck? I love Neil Gaiman. Oh, we should watch American Gods. Have you seen that show?  _

_ Nah. We can do that.  _

_ Oh, or maybe Stardust, or Coraline? Beowulf?  _

_ Sure. But I gotta sleep now, Even. _

_ Right. God natt, Isak. _

_ Natta, Even. _

Isak falls asleep at once. 

When Isak finally sees Even again the next day at school, Even seems like he’s in a good mood. His wide smile shines and makes Isak's heart race, just like always. Isak's so glad to see him. And Even's rainbow coloured eyes spark brighter than Isak has ever seen them before. 

– Halla, Isak! Even says, and hugs him. His cheek is warm against Isak`s. – Oh wow, he says, you are happy to see me, too! So happy! 

Isak stumbles back a step, staring confused at him. – What? Yeah, sure? But what do you mean?

– It's a secret, Even whispers, staring intensely into Isak's eyes, – but I can feel what everyone else feels. Everything! It's a nuisance, really. But practical, too, sometimes. 

_ What is he talking about?  _

– What?

Even smiles a wide smile. – Sometimes it's too much, and everything gets jumbled, he continues, and it's like he talks a language Isak doesn't understand. It doesn't make any sense. – Touching can be so tiring, you know. It`s too much. And sometimes other’s feelings mix up with my own. But sometimes I can feel it all. All the feelings. Nobody can know, though. It's a secret. 

– I don't… quite understand, Isak says. Something's off. Isak doesn't quite get what it is, but it's something. Even seems almost too happy. Like he's high. And his eyes have a lot of the same sickly yellow colour his mom has. But it’s probably just his imagination. And does it matter that Even is a little high, as long as he is talking to Isak again?

– Don't worry, Even says, and smiles, almost like he senses Isak’s feelings. – It's no biggie, Isak.

Isak takes a deep breath. – Uhm. How are you, Even?

The intensity of the colours in Even`s eyes makes them almost painful to watch. – Oh, I feel like I’m on top of the world, really, he answers. He almost bounces there he stands. – The last few weeks I’ve been irritable and stressed out by school and everything, but this is better. I have all this energy, all the time, and it’s amazing!

– Yeah?

– Yeah. I feel great. Wonderful. I’ve had a little trouble sleeping, but it’s okay, because then I have time to draw and work with my movies and stuff, so...

– Okay, that sounds nice.

– Yeah, it’s so nice. And you’re nice, too, Isak. Oh, I’m so sorry I was irritable last time when you visited me. 

Isak shrugs. – It’s fine, no worries. I was a dick, so…

Even’s eyes are shining. – You’re never a dick, Isak! I’m sure you have a nice dick, though. I`m sure it`s beautiful.

– What?

Even throws his head back and laughs. – Sorry, I’m kidding! I know that’s none of my business, not at all. But oh, you like dick, too, don’t you? You really liked kissing me… I liked it, too.

Isak stares at him in horror. Something’s wrong. – Even, what’s with you? Are you high or something?

Even just giggles. – Nah, I’m just being silly. Talking about dicks. Sorry.

The school bell rings, and Even locks eyes with him. – See you after school?

Isak nods, still a little confused and flustered. – Sure, we can meet. I’m free about three o'clock. At KB?

– Perfect. I know just what we can do, Isak! That's perfect, perfect, perfect. See ya later!

And then he`s gone.

Isak doesn't know what to think of it all. Something's off with Even, but  _ what _ ? Well, maybe he will find out when they meet later on, he figures. During the rest of his school day, he tries to forget the mixed feeling of worry and excitement.

Even turns up at KB, just as planned. Looking just as handsome as always. And very cheerful. He waves to Isak from the outside of the window to come out from the coffee shop.

– I have a surprise for you! Even says, when Isak joins him. It’s like he’s buzzing with excitement. 

Isak take a sip of his coffee. – Okay? Aren't we just going to hang out at my place? Watch a movie or something?

Even laughs. – Nah, we're not gonna just hang out and watch a movie or something. I thought we could go swimming. 

Isak stares at him in confusion. – Swimming. 

– Yeah, and I know the perfect place, let`s go. 

Even walks before Isak manages to react. – But my coffee…

– You can bring it, come on!

Isak could try to tell himself he hesitates, but he really doesn`t. He would probably follow Even everywhere. So he does.

They walk at a quick pace, and Isak has to struggle to keep up with Even. – So, what`s up? he breathes. – Why do you want to go swimming?

Even grins. – I just feel like it, Isak. It`s going to be so beautiful. 

– Beautiful, actually, Isak echoes. 

Even stops then, and looks at Isak. His fingers touch Isak`s curls. – You know you're beautiful, too, right? he says, and continues without waiting for an answer.  – You're the most beautiful person I've ever known.

Isak swallows, and his heart races in his chest.  _ What the fuck is this? _

But then Even is off again, walking quickly, talking about pool scenes in different movies. Isak doesn't quite get it. He doesn`t get anything right now.

Then they're there. Even has stopped up, staring at a white house. It's not a swimming pool that Isak knows of. 

– It's a regular home? he asks. – Who lives here?

Even grins. – My aunt. I thought about going to Bislet bad, but it's probably full of other guests. This is better. This pool is epic, Isak, you'll love it. 

His talk is rushed. 

– Oh.

Isak has his doubts, especially when Even starts to dirk open the window. Even just grins and laughs about it all. – Come on, Isak, he says,  –  don't be a coward.

Isak is seriously wondering what's going on. Even is an enthusiastic guy. But now, it`s like he's ten times more enthusiastic. 

– Why are you so skeptical? Even teases, as he opens the window. 

Isak shrugs. – I'm not skeptical, but it's a bit weird we're going to...

– It`s just for fun, Isak, come on.

– Okay…

Isak sighs. He knows this is a bad idea. He follows Even anyway, climbing through the narrow window. He follows Even, like he always will.

When they're inside the basement, with the pool, he tenses up, though. What was he thinking? Are they going to take their clothes off? Swim together? How is he ever going to survive this without attacking Even with lips and body?

But then Even starts to dance around him and tease him. – Are you scared of swimming?

Isak huffs. – Scared of swimming?

– Yeah?

Isak shrugs, but he smiles a little. – It’s just a little strange, that’s all… Well, fuck it.

He starts to undress, turning slightly away from Even. Even undresses to, as he continues to tease for fear of water and fear of messing with his hair. 

In the end, they're both standing on the edge of the pool, only in their boxer shorts. Isak feels nervous. Even still looks happy, but also intense, like he`s about to burst. Something`s off.  Even looks at Isak, and his gaze travels down Isak's chest. He reaches out a hand and places it on Isak's hip, running a thumb back and forth across his stomach.

Isak shivers with the touch, but tries to focus on Even.  –  You okay?

Even nods and then gives Isak a tentative smile.  – Sure. I feel amazing. Damn.  Your abs are amazing, too, you know that?

Isak isn't sure how to respond to that comment. He's gotten similar compliments from girls and they always makes him uncomfortable. Hearing this from Even causes his heart to thud happily. But he still can`t relax.  –  Are you sure this is a good idea? he asks.

Even looks a little hot in his head, but he still grins.  –  No, it's probably not a good idea. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea.

– Yeah...

Isak can't help but peruse Even's bare chest. His skin is pale and flawless and his nipples stands out in dark peaks. A treasure trail of sparse dark blonde hair runs from below his belly button into his shorts. His hips are narrow and his stomach is flat. Isak's mouth goes dry. Even is exquisite.

– It`s just…  I like being bad sometimes, Even continues, and as if to prove that is true, he slips off his boxers in one quick movement.

Isak quickly averts his eyes. This is not supposed to be sexual, is it? It`s just two buddies swimming and goofing around, right?

– So, skinny dipping? he says. – Really?

– Yeah, really. It`ll be fun. Come on, Isak!

Isak tries not to, but his eyes still get drawn to Even`s cock, that's half hard. It`s a lovely, dusky color with a perfectly shaped mushroom head, and as Isak watches it visibly plumps and lengthens.

_ Oh God! _ Isak swallows and tears his gaze away. His own cock is hard already and tenting his shorts. He turns his back on Even in embarrassment, and he hears Even chuckle softly as he steps towards the pool.

Even sinks into the water. Isak stands facing away from him and taking deep breaths, trying to get his libido under control. It doesn't help that Even lets out a long low groan and drawls in a sultry voice,  –  This feels so good.

A few moments later Even says,  –  You look cold, Isak. Come in here with me.

Even looks up at him, and all the colours are glittering in his eyes. A little too much sickly yellow, though. What's with the yellow? 

– Or are you really afraid of the water? Even teases.

_ Fuck no. _

– Fine, Isak sighs and walks towards the edge of the pool. – I'll join you.

Even laughs then, like he's won something. –  You'd better take off your boxer shorts, before they get wet, he says.

Isak looks down, mortified that his hard cock is a little too visible.  _ Oh God!  _ With a silent groan of surrender,  he takes his boxers off, and jumps into the water before he has the time to regret it.

Then he`s in the warm water, only inches from Even`s naked body. When he pops up to the surface, he finds himself looking into Even's teasing eyes. The colours in his eyes are so intense, that they're almost hurtful to watch. He feels dizzy.

Even is a little bit too much. It`s like his energy hums at a faster frequency than normal. Isak feels horny, but scared shitless, too. He doesn't know what to do. He probably should walk away, and talk to Even when he`s back to being himself again. But what scares him most, is that he just can`t. Even`s a wild and burning flame that he, just like a moth, can't stay away from.  

Even is holding his hand and smiling at him with those gorgeous lips. Isak does what comes naturally, what he's been thinking about doing all day, and bends over to kiss Even. Their lips meet with a crush, and then Even is in his arms and his hands are running over smooth, wet skin. Isak's tongue sweeps into his mouth and he sucks on it, delighting in the unrestrained groan that he draws from Even.

He feels Even's hands on his ass, squeezing and urging him more tightly against him. He gasps as he feels Even's hard shaft rub against his. His knees go weak, and he pushes Even against the edge of the pool to give them something to lean against. His tongue invades Even's hot mouth and his hips pushes forward into Even's, starting up a rhythm. Apparently his body doesn't need a brain to direct it. Their cocks rub together in a delicious dance of ecstasy as Even meets his thrusts.

He looks into Even`s eyes, and it`s like the rainbow colours are fluttering around. Isak get`s drawn into their dance and he`s spiraling, spiraling ... too out of control to even realize he is out of control. Someone is moaning long and low and someone else is begging, – Oh, please ... please, in a desperate whisper. As he feels his balls tightening he realizes he is the one begging, but he's too far gone to even be embarrassed. Then Even grabs both their shafts in one of his hands and starts to stroke. It`s all over for Isak then. He buries his scream in Even's wet hair as his body convulses, slamming against Even's.

The orgasm surges up his spine and down his limbs with scorching speed, burning everything in its wake. He feels like he's spontaneously combusting. Heat bursts from his cock, and the cool water around him soothes him. When his body and brain are finally reunited, battered and shaken, he becomes aware that Even is still pumping their cocks, breathing raggedly, his body rigid. Isak's cock is too sensitive and he starts to pull away, but then catches sight of Even's face and his own discomfort is forgotten.

Even's head is thrown back and his eyes are slits. His lips parts and Isak hears his breath panting in and out. Then he catches his lower lip between his teeth as his face scrunches in ecstasy. A long low moan escapes him as his hips thrust forward into his hand and Isak feels his hot seed splashing onto his lower abdomen before it thins out in the water. Seeing Even like this is ethereal. At that moment Even is the most beautiful, powerful creature in the world, and Isak becomes his slave. He would sell his soul to have that perfect moment again.

Then they are hugging and panting and Even starts to laugh, but quietly. Isak grins and nuzzles the side of his neck, then kisses up his jawline as his hand comes out and holds Even's head in place. His lips find Even's and they kiss again passionately, but they have to break apart to gasp for air all too soon. They are both still out of breath.

Isak looks into Even`s eyes, he`s surprised to find that the colours in his eyes have cooled down. It`s like Even has absorbed the blue colours Isak always imagines are his own (he has tried many times to capture his own colours, but he has never seen them). Can their kiss have calmed Even down somehow? 

As Even leans back, the colours in his eyes change again. They become more intense, and the yellow gets stronger. Even still seems unnaturally energetic, too.

– Are you okay? Isak asks, as they move to get out of the pool.. 

Even looks a little distant for a moment. – It's alright, Isak. Everything's gonna be alright, he says. – I'm going to fix it all! I know I can do it. I feel amazing. Everything's amazing, really.

Isak doesn`t know why that doesn't make him calmer. 

It starts to dawn on him the minute they get out of the pool. 

Even chats about how beautiful everything is, and how it reminds him of the movie Romeo + Juliet. At first Isak doesn't think much of it, he`s too tangled up in his own mind. He gets dressed with his back firmly to Even. He has to; his hands are shaking so badly he is having problems buttoning his jeans. He stops, sighs and flexes his fingers, willing himself to calm down a little and get himself together. He’s freaking out. He knows it and can't help it. Somewhere behind him is Even chatting about pool scenes in movies again, and his presence fills the white tiled room. It unnerves Isak, adds to his panic, and he tries once again to button his pants.

It’s not like he didn't want this, or doesn't want it. He has been lusting over Even for months to fuck him into semi-consciousness so he could get some satisfaction and regain his peace. What he doesn`t want is to be standing there feeling raw with his heart threatening to crack his chest open and fly out. He’s still riding the high of his orgasm and the adrenaline still flows, so rational thought is still beyond reach. He isn't in control of himself or the situation, and where there is no control, there can only be fear and panic.

He isn't supposed to feel like this afterwards, is he? Not that he has that much experience but he’s supposed to feel sated and buzzed, relieved that his burning curiosity about being with Even has finally been quenched. Instead, he’s being swarmed with a heady swirl of intense and unidentifiable emotions that are threatening to cripple him. He wipes his hands on his jeans and tries to get his pulse to slow.

– So…

Fuck this shit. Even’s voice, low and husky, hits him square in the chest and goes through him like light through a prism; hitting every vital organ and making Isak tense up with need and anticipation. He probably needs to shut this down before it goes any further. He just doesn't know how to.

Even puts a hand on his shoulder. – I'm sorry, Isak, baby. I hope you're not upset about this. I think... I got carried away, he says. – It was like I felt too much.  

Isak turns to look at him, as he still stands naked before him.

Upset? Is that what he is? He’s paralyzed and scared shitless, but he’s not upset.

– No, he says, and relaxes a little. – I'm not upset, Even. A little… overwhelmed, maybe.

Even releases a  breath. – Good, I was worried you'd be mad.

– Mad?

Isak studies Even’s face. Even looks happy. Happier than Isak has yet seen him before. But also high strung. Maybe nervous? 

– Well, because I seduced you. You obviously haven't done this before and I probably pushed you into something you didn't want, I just couldn't control myself, I don't know. 

Even looks a little confused. – Maybe my feelings got tangled up in your feelings. I shouldn't say that. That's a secret. But yeah, it was a bit much.

His eyes have that intensity and that sickly yellow colour, and suddenly Isak knows. Even is sick. He doesn't know why, or how, but that yellow colour is about mental illness. It has to be. Isak doesn't understand it all, but it’s clear that Even is troubled. Warmth creeps through his chest and he smiles. – Hey!

Isak puts his fingers on Even's chin and gently turns his face back to look at him. – I did want this. I'm fine with this. It`s just… it was a bit much. And you seem a little different, that's all.

Even's eyes widens. – I'm fine, he says. – Just a little excited. 

Isak cups his face and presses a kiss onto his sensuous lips, nipping playfully at the bottom one. He takes some deep breath and tries to be calm. Tries to give Even all the calmness he has. 

When Isak opens his eyes, he is confused. Suddenly Even`s rainbow colours are calmer again, and the yellow has almost disappeared. Even steps back. 

– You make me feel so good, Even says. – So at ease. 

Even breaks out in another wide grin.  – You make me feel excited, too. 

Isak can see the change in his eyes again. The colours gets more and more intense, and the yellow gets stronger and more sickly.  _ What the fuck?  _ What does this mean? Did the kiss affect Even somehow? 

Whatever it did, it didn't last for long. Even is just as excited again. 

Isak is fully clothed now. However, Even doesn`t go for his clothes. He puts his shoes on, but that's it. 

– We should just stay naked, Isak, he says. – It feels so liberating. Don't you think?

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows. – Right. Yeah, but it's not like it`s summer yet. It's early May, Even. And I mean,  _ naked _ ? No thank you. 

– I wanna stay naked all the time, Even says, giggling. – Makes me feel free!

He kisses Isak’s cheek, moves towards the small cellar window, and somehow manages to climb out without hurting himself. And suddenly he is gone. Naked. 

_ What the fuck? _

Isak stares after him, in shock. – Even?

It takes a second or two before it hits him for real. Fuck. Something's clearly off. Even`s not himself. He should have known it. Fuck, Even can't just run outside like that; he’s risking getting beaten up and everything! Isak picks up Even`s clothes and hurries to climb out the window. 

When he's outside, Even is gone. Isak tries to run back the way they came, but he still can't find him. – Even? he shouts, again and again, feeling his heart beating in his throat. 

There`s no answer. He realizes that he needs help. He doesn`t have Even`s parent`s number, and Even has somehow remembered to take his phone with him, but Isak knows his address, and he finds Even`s mom`s number on Yellow pages. 

– Something`s happened, he explains on the phone. – Even took off naked, and now I don't know where he is. 

– Oh my god, the woman says. – I knew something was up. He`s been so strange lately. I'll get in my car and look for him. Thank you for calling me. 

Isak runs through the streets and keeps looking for Even, but he doesn't find him anywhere. When he gets a call from Even`s mom again, his heart threatens to stop for real. 

– I found him, she says, – he was not far from home. 

Thank God. The relief flushing through his body, makes him almost drop to his knees. 

– I'll meet you, Isak says then, – so you can get his clothes.  

They're just a couple of hundreds of meters away, and Isak runs the whole way. First when he sees Even with a blanket around him and his mother by his side, he feels the tears stream down his face. 

Isak approaches them, breathing heavily and with tears running down his face. He hands the clothes to Even`s Mom. 

Even looks mostly confused. He  touches Isak’s arm. – Don't worry, baby, he whispers. –  _ Dontworrydontworrydontworry _ .

Isak doesn't say a word. He doesn't know how to. The dread in him almost suffocates him. Even is sick. The strange behavior and the yellow in his eyes had to mean that he is. Isak knows he should have known. He never should have followed Even like this. The whole thing was probably just a part of Even`s sickness.  

Even`s Mom pats Isak on his shoulder. – You should go home now, Isak, she says. – I’ll figure this out.

_ But I want to come with you _ , Isak wants to say.  _ I want to look after Even. _ But Isak knows it`s not his business, so he stays silent.

Even and his mother get into the car, and Isak stands on the pavement with empty hands, staring at the car driving away. It takes a while before his mind works again.  He sends Eskild a text, telling him that everything has gone to hell, and he goes home. 

And everything is over.  

Isak ends up on his mattress, playing everything that happened that day, over and over in his head. To distract himself, he starts to google symptoms like irritability, high mood, recklessness and sleep difficulties, and discovers something called affective disorders. His heart races as he reads the descriptions. Depression and anxiety doesn't seem to fit how Even has been, so Isak is pretty sure that Even struggles with something like Bipolar disorder. Or something similar. Of course he can't know, but the description fits really well. 

He recognizes the high energy and excessive activity, the overly good mood, irritability or impatience, fast, erratic talking and inability to concentrate, and little need for sleep. When he reads that the mania can lead to high sex drive and poor judgement, he draws his breath and suddenly feels sick. What if everything that happened between them was because of the mania?

He wants to cry, but he can`t. He still is to worried about Even. He knows nothing about where he is or how he`s doing, and the fear paralyzes him. Eskild drops by, trying to cheer him up, talking about heartbreak, but it`s no good. Isak is so worried about Even that he can hardly breathe.  

After a couple of hours he gets a message from Even`s mom, telling him that they've been to the doctor, and that Even would get help. It`s a relief, and Isak tries to let that be enough. He tries to tell himself that this thing was just something that happened, and that he should let it go. If Even made out with him just because he was sick, just like he broke into a swimming pool and ran off naked because of it, then… Then it`s best if he lets it all be.  

It doesn't work, though. His feelings are just too raw, and he can't help worrying. He hardly sleeps at all that night. Not the next, either.  

Isak doesn't see Even for a while, and the waiting and worrying is horrible. Even doesn't answer his messages. When Isak sends Even`s Mom a text, she just types that Even is better and that he can tell his friends everything when he`s back at school. It could take some time, she types. 

It does take some time. And Isak feels like he’s going out of his mind. Eskild visits him every day, complaining about Noora being angsty and locked up in her room. 

– I don't know why I attract you kids who always withdraw and keep stuff to yourself, Eskild huffs.

Isak has to smile a little, in the middle of it all. Because it's true. He has discovered that both he, Linn and Noora tends to keep stuff to themselves, and it probably drives Eskild mad.

– I guess you like the challenge, Isak smiles.

Eskild smiles back, but lets out another huff. It`s evident that he worries. Isak tries his best to be supportive. But it's not easy to be supportive when he feels like he's climbing the walls himself. 

Isak has an especially rough time on the 17th of May. He feels like he should visit his mom, but can't do it. He feels like he should visit Even, too, but doesn`t know if Even wants him to. Everyone is outside celebrating, even Noora has come out of her shell for a moment, while Isak festers by himself in his basement. He dives into his studies and into his shows on Netflix and hopes that it can help him forget everything. Of course it doesn`t.

It`s still the only way he can handle it. 

Then, on the 29th of May, he gets kicked out of the basement. Well, maybe not so much kicked out, as asked nicely to find another place to stay. When he comes home that evening, his things are gone. And when he texts Eskild, the ginger haired guy pops up with his things in his arms and a worried look on his face. Apparently Noora has discovered him.

– I have to kick you out, Isak, Eskild says. – We've even had complaints from the neighbors. I`m sorry.

Isak sighs. – It`s alright. I know I have stayed here far too long already.

Eskild still looks worried. – You can stay a couple of days in my room if you like? 

Isak feels a warm feeling flush through him. Eskild`s warm and caring heart never stops amazing him.

– Nah, don't worry, Eskild, I`m good. 

Isak sighs and straightens his back. – It`s about time I have a talk with Jonas. He's always been there for me, you know, but lately I`ve been… not avoiding him, but just… I guess I have tried to fix everything alone.

– Yeah, and you don't have to do that, Eskild says. – That`s what friends are for, right?

– Right. So. I'll talk to Jonas.

Eskild looks relieved when he smiles and gives him a bear hug. – Sounds good, baby Isak. Let me know how it goes.

_ Baby Isak? _ Fuck. Isak shakes his head as he packs his things. Eskild is a sweet guy, but sometimes he just is too much. 

Isak talks to Jonas. He puts his stuff in his backpack and knocks on his door. He probably has more luck than he deserves when Jonas opens the door, and he’s alone.

Jonas takes one look on Isak’s face, and let’s him in. – We have some leftovers, he says. – Pasta bolognese. Want some?

– Sure, thanks, Isak says, with a grateful smile. – Who says no to bolognese?

Jonas smiles back. – Nobody.

When they sit in Jonas’ kitchen, where they've spent so many afternoons before, Isak almost feels like crying. It feels so safe and familiar. It feels like home.

Isak lets it all out. He tells everything about his mom, and about his struggles. About Even, too. Everything. And Jonas is there for him, like he always is.

– You can stay here, he says. – And you’ll figure out the thing with Even, too. I’m sure of it.

A couple of days later, in the beginning of June, they are all gathered for a roof party. Eskild, Noora, Linn are there, and so are Eva and the other girls. And Jonas and Isak. Everyone. And Isak starts to feel as a human again. He has bunked with Jonas for a few days, and Jonas and he have gotten their hair cut. The sun is shining, he has a beer in his hand and everyone looks happy. 

He still misses Even, of course. In fact, it's almost like he misses Even more now that everyone's there. Isak tries to repress it. He knows that he probably misses Even far more than he should. He knows that Even hooking up with him probably was a mistake. Probably because of some mental illness. Or could Even have been high on something? Isak doesn't think it's likely, but of course it could be. He knows that the intensity of the colours in Even`s eyes, and the sick shade of the yellow colour, meant something. He's pretty sure it`s about his mental health. Either way, he doesn't dare to hope that the thing that happened between them can mean more. He needs to protect himself.

Isak sips his beer and watches all his friends around him. He can see the bright colours in most of their eyes. He wonders for a moment what Even was talking about when he talked about feeling what others felt. Was that a part of an illness, too, or could it be real? Just like Isak`s own ability to see personalities, feelings and health in others? Could that be the reason why he had the colours of the whole rainbow in his eyes? And why did the colours in his eyes shift when Isak cupped his face and they kissed? Isak has more questions than answers. No matter what, Isak knows that he never will forget Even, the guy with the whole rainbow in his eyes. 

**Even: Too Much**

Whenever Even touches someone, he feels what they feel. So when he kisses Isak, and touches Isak, he knows, even in this strange fog he's in, that Isak is confused. Worried. A little scared, even. And very horny. Even doesn't get it, but it’s like Even makes him confused? How can that be? Even knows that he's slipping, he just doesn`t know why. He only knows that his mind is too fast, and the world is too slow, and everything is blurry. 

They are getting out of the water and Even feels wonderful and horrible at once. Everything`s so confusing. He has been talking a lot to Isak all evening. And Isak has been listening. And then they were swimming. And kissing. And getting off (and oh my god, how they were getting off). Everything was good. More than good. But now his head is spinning, everything goes too fast. 

Even stands on the edge of the pool, jumping on the balls of his feet, watching Isak get dressed. He doesn’t mind that Isak is ignoring him at the moment, because he is trying to focus, but his thoughts are spinning and spiralling, and he can’t get a grip of them. His feet feel wobbly and his hands are shaking so damn badly, he doesn't know what to do.

Even had thought after he and Isak fucked, some of the fire would go out. He had thought the grasping, needy, obsessive feelings would abate a little. So why does he feel as if he’s dumped gasoline on an inferno; why does he feel like he’s been pushed off the edge of the universe? 

He's happy, though. So happy. This is so much better than the hell he`s been through this spring. First Isak ignored him during Christmas and at the beginning of the year, and when they finally became friends again, and Even managed to break up with Sonja, Isak found a girlfriend. The irony! It was maddening. And Isak gave him all these mixed signals. Touching his lip in one moment and talking like a homophobe in the next. Even had started to get it though, he had started to believe there was hope, and now… now they finally had this magic moment. Kissing in the pool. Well, getting eachother off in the pool. But yeah.

Even shivers. Shit, he must have fucked up somewhere, standing here feeling like a giddy teenage girl getting felt up for the first time. It’s taking all his self control not to go over to Isak now, push him up against a wall, and take his next hit. This is fucking him up right now, but he needs to prolong this, can't let it end just yet.

Isak has put his jeans on now, and Even`s eyes are glued to his back. Isak is so hot, Even almost can't believe it. He’s so hot, and beautiful, and Even can’t shut up about it. He can’t shut up about other things, either. Isak doesn't say much, but the fear and confusion in him (Even can feel it now, even if they're not touching, that`s weird) tells Even most of it all. Isak is scared, probably because he's afraid to accept that he likes a boy. Even senses thoughts deep down from Isak's mother, that being gay is a sin. Even doesn't understand it. How can this beautiful thing ever be wrong? He needs to study the Bible that claims this. Maybe if he reads it, he will understand everything, and he won't be confused anymore. And Isak won't be confused, or scared.

– So, he begins and he sees Isak tense.

Even puts a hand on his shoulder, and senses Isak`s worried feelings even more strongly. – I'm sorry, Isak, baby. I hope you're not upset about this. I think... I got carried away, he says. – It was like I felt too much.  

Isak turns to look at him. – No, he says. – I'm not upset, Even. A little… overwhelmed, maybe.

He`s honest. Even releases a  breath. He`s so relieved. And he tells Isak so. He also tells him about his feelings tangling up. 

Isak looks at him with confusion in his eyes and tells Even that he`s different, b ut Even is busy thinking that he can search for Bible quotes online. He can fix this, and make Isak happy again. He should get going though. But his body feels so good like this. Naked and breathing.

– I'm fine, Even says. – Just a little excited. 

Isak cups his face, and kisses him, and it grounds him for a moment, and makes everything calm down. Even tells him so. 

But then e verything’s just a blurry haze again.  And Even wants to stay naked. He wants to go out naked into the world and show everyone. So he does. 

Even leaves. He’s gonna fix everything, and then find his way back to Isak. Even sees the lost look in Isak’s eyes as he leaves, but he can't deal with it right now. He`s busy.

Even wanders through the streets. It’s cold, but not too cold. He likes the air against his skin.

He picks up his phone and searches for the Bible quotes. It`s like they speak to him. He gets everything now. How it all works out. His thoughts are buzzing. He needs to tell everyone. So he posts it all on Facebook, for everybody to see. Isak is going to be so happy. 

Then his mom is there. But when she asks him something, he can't hear what she says. She has tears all over her face, and Even doesn't get it. He tries to tell her that everything's fine. That he’s going to fix it all. 

Isak is there with his clothes, looking scared with wide eyes and tears over his face. What's with all these tears?

Even touches Isak’s arm, and is hit with a wave of sadness, regret and worry that he’s never felt before. _ Oh no. _ Why is he so sad and worried? Everything is fine! 

– Don't worry, baby, Even whispers. –  _ Dontworrydontworrydontworry _ .

Isak doesn't say a word.

Even finally manages to decipher something his Mom says. – You should go home now, Isak, she says. – I’ll figure this out.

Isak looks lost when Even and his Mom leave for the car. Even wants to hug him, and to bring him along, but deep in his fog he knows it`s too much to ask. They drive through Oslo and he watches the lights blur by. 

His mom takes him to the doctor, who asks them a lot of questions, about everything. It`s like they want his whole life on a plate. He answers, or at least he tries to. The world is still spinning a little too fast. 

After talking to far too many doctors and people with concerned faces, about when the spinning starts to slow down, he knows. They say that he's got bipolar disorder. 

Even's world as he knows it ends.


	3. Summer and Autumn 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter ended with Even having a manic episode. This chapter is a lot about healing, I think. Isak is trying to figure out stuff on his own, Even is trying to figure out stuff, too, and their strange abilities confuse them both. Being friendly is defined in a new way. 
> 
> This chapter is set in the timeline of the start of season 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There are mentions of suicidal thoughts in this chapter. Read it with care. 
> 
> Thank you my lovely beta readers for helping me with this! You have been amazing with support and help. <3 I know I could have worked even more with what you commented, but I just feel ready to post this now. lol
> 
> Thank you to all of you that has given this fic a chance, read it and left kudos and comments! You are amazing! 
> 
> I feel like this fic finally is starting to get where I want it to go. Maybe.
> 
> Everything didn`t go as planned, though. My plan was to let this chapter follow season three, but it got too long, so we will get more from the autumn 2016 in the next chapter. This fic might end up with five chapters, in stead of four. It`s in the open right now. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! Please tell me what you think!!!!

###  **Isak: Fucking Gay**

It is an agony of a summer. 

Isak lives at Jonas` place, has found his way back to his buddies and knows that he has a lot to be grateful for.  He still spends far too much time thinking about Even, texting small meaningless texts to him and hoping to hear back from him. All he can think of is how Even probably finds him needy, clingy and annoying. Worse, Isak has no idea what to say. ‘Hi, I’m sorry for taking advantage of your manic episode, but I really enjoyed rubbing my dick with yours and I think I have a fucking huge crush on you’ isn't really acceptable. Isak is sure that Even doesn`t need a comment like that right now, while he's recovering from the mania or whatever happened in the pool. More than that, Isak is still uncertain whether Even has been making out with him because of 1) mania, 2) interest, but he is done having fun with him or 3) interest, but he won't contact him for whatever reason.

As time goes by, Isak is starting to believe that the first point is more and more likely. He starts to doubt that Even is interested in him at all.

June is busy because of tests and exams, and Isak buries himself in his books.  At night, he lies awake trying not to think about all the things he thinks about.  He still misses Even more than he should. He can't forget their moment in the pool, and he wishes that he could know that at least some of it was real. He guesses that Even hooking up with him probably was a mistake. Probably because of some mental illness. Most likely that bipolar disorder he read up on. He's pretty sure. He knows that the intensity of the colours in Even`s eyes, and the sick shade of the yellow colour, meant something. And he knows the symptoms fit. He has researched the crap out of the illness, after all, and he recognizes that Even has the  high energy and excessive activity, the overly good mood, irritability or impatience, fast, erratic talking and inability to concentrate, little need for sleep and poor judgement. Of course, he doesn't know if Even has depressions, but that's about the only thing he hasn't seen yet (he thinks) .

Isak knows he thinks too much about all this for it to be healthy. To be honest, he’s so worried about Even that he can hardly breathe.  He has read enough to know about the risk for harming oneself and suicide attempts, and it's terrifying.  Of course it doesn't help that Isak isn’t sleeping, since it makes him groggy, dizzy and overly emotional, and it makes everything seem scary. Deep down h e knows that Even is safe with his parents, and he tries to tell himself that it`s okay. It must be okay. 

All these whirling thoughts suck the energy out of him, and he struggles to focus on anything else. He manages to do okay on most of his school tests, but barely so. Isak slowly realizes that he needs to do something, to stop himself from  getting dragged under. So he does everything he can to keep himself busy and keep his mind off Even. In fact, he decides to make some major changes. Isak knows he needs it. There is a lot of stuff in his life that he wants to start over with (like his tendency to keep things to himself, to be slightly homophobic and his awkward relationship with his mom).  Even if Isak has started to open up to his closest friends, he is still deep down terrified of the potential consequences of telling everyone about his... thing for Even, and his attraction to boys in general. Jonas knows now, of course, and Eskild, too, but what if his other buddies find out? And what if his parents find out? How will they react? His mom… well, he's pretty sure she'll think that he`ll go to Hell for it. And his dad will worry that he upsets her, probably. Dad's always walking on eggshells around her. Isak really has no idea how he would tell them or what they would do or say.

Still, he knows he needs to do it.  Isak wants a new start. No more hiding. No more prejudices. He challenges himself, and he starts with coming out to the boys. One evening in June, when they all are hanging at home with Jonas, Isak digs deep for all the courage he can muster. Jonas is there, right by his side, and it helps. 

– So guys, Isak starts. – I guess you have noticed that I`ve been a little down lately. 

Jonas takes the cue at once (bless him) and pauses the game they're playing. Isak suddenly has three sets of eyes on him, shimmering in yellow, green and orange.

– Well, duh, Magnus says, grinning. – You've been pretty sour, to be honest, Isak!

– Yeah, yeah, Isak says, blushing. – Well I just thought I should tell you… why.

The boys keep looking at him. 

– What`s up? Mahdi asks. He has concern in the green of his eyes. 

Isak hesitates. Jonas meets his gaze, and raises his eyebrows, like he’s saying `come on, Isak, don't be a coward`. It helps a little. Isak takes a breath. – Well, you know... Even? he starts.

– Yeah? Mahdi says. – We have been hanging together from time to time, after all? What about him? 

– Do you know why he's MIA? Magnus asks.

– Yeah, sort of, but that's not… Isak falters. Then he pulls himself together. – I have had a  _ thing… _ . with Even. 

Magnus is the one who looks shocked. He`s also the one asking about all the girls Isak`s been making out with. Mahdi takes it easy, like he takes everything easy. Isak is relieved that he sees no sign of disgust or fear in the colours in their eyes. The calm green in Mahdi`s eyes and the vital orange in Magnus` eyes are still the same. The guys end up discussing the differences of different sexual orientations, and Isak is almost lost in his feeling of relief. 

– So, are you two a couple then? Mahdi asks. 

– No, and you probably shouldn't tell anyone, Isak says. He thinks it over and winces. – I think Even just kissed me – (and rubbed my dick, he refrains from saying) – because he was sick, anyway. 

Mahdi looks curious. – Sick? How come?

Isak hesitates. He doesn`t know if he should talk about this, but he needs to talk to  _ someone _ . 

– I think Even has bipolar disorder. I'm not sure, but I think so. 

– So? Magnus says, looking confused. – What's that got to do with anything? My mom`s bipolar. She can fall in love with others just like anybody else, what the hell?

Isak stares at Magnus. – Your mom is bipolar? She's pretty cool. 

– Yes she is, Magnus smiles. 

Isak nods. Of course having a mental illness doesn't mean that you have to be as scary as his mom is. He knows that. Still, he can't help feeling a little uncertain about it all. He hopes Magnus can help him understand.

– Well, Even had a manic episode, I think, he says. – And we broke into a pool. And kissed. And then… he ran outside naked. 

– Naked! Magnus laughs out loud. 

Isak frowns. – That's not funny!

– It kind of is, Magnus chuckles. – Mom does stuff like that, too. She's still cool, you know? And why do you think Even isn`t interested in more? 

Isak shrugs, feeling horrible. – He was manic when we kissed, right? So he didn't mean anything with it.

Magnus looks doubtful. – Oh wow. Talk about assumptions. Something tells me you've been googling. Am I right? 

Isak shrugs again. 

– So was he manic the first time he kissed you? Or when he seemed interested? You would have noticed if he was manic, because that's when they`re so gone that you can`t connect to them at all.  

Isak blushes, as he thinks for a moment. The first time they kissed, Even had basically been himself. – Well, no, uh… he kissed me once before that, too, he admits. – I guess he maybe wasn't manic then. 

Magnus leans back, looking very pleased with himself. – So then, what's the problem? 

Isak doesn't have a good answer. Maybe Magnus is right? Isak still can't be certain about Even`s motives, of course, but he can`t discard them as manic, either. 

Jonas has been sitting quiet for a moment, but now he pats Magnus on the shoulder. – You're cool, Magnus, he says. 

Mahdi nods in agreement. 

– Well, finally you notice, Magnus laughs. 

Mahdi smiles at Isak. – Give it some time, he says. – For what it's worth; I'm rooting for you.

Isak smiles back. He looks at his friends as they start up the game again, and he feels that something is happening with him. It feels like a thaw at the end of winter. Isak rolls his eyes at himself. Fuck, when did he become so sappy? But yeah, it definitely feels like something has shifted in him. As he sits there with his best friends surrounding him, it dawns on him that he has become better at sharing things with others. He has pushed himself to be more social, even if he often would have preferred to bury himself in his bed, and it helps him not to worry so much. Of course he still needs his alone time, that's just how he works. But he has people to stay with when he wants to. And he doesn't shy away from them. 

He watches Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus and the colours in their eyes and he feels blessed. It`s like the tight grip he`s been having on himself, is slowly letting go. For a moment he remembers Even`s rainbow eyes again, and wonders what Even was talking about when he talked about feeling what others felt. Was that a part of the illness, too, or could it be real? Just like Isak`s own ability to see colours in others` eyes? Isak lets the question simmer in the back of his mind, and hopes he will find an answer one day. 

Isak continues to have this nice balance during the summer, where he spends some time alone, but also hangs with his friends. It helps. He still misses Even like he's missing a part of himself, but he finds sort of a peace in his new rhythm of life that he hasn't felt in a long time. He sees Jonas every day, since he crashes with him, of course, but he also sees Mahdi and Magnus regularly. Every night he calms down reading a book or playing a game. He meets up with Eskild almost every week for a cup of tea, and he meets up with Eva and some of her girls a time or two, too. He doesn't see Mikael and the guys as often, but he talks to them when he has the chance. Once in awhile he does things on his own, like working out or visiting the library. He's starting to realize he has quite an impressive circle of friends, who he can be with when he wants to, and who understand when he needs time on his own.  

Opening up to his friends, and being more true to himself doesn't just take his mind off worrying. He starts to sleep a little better, too. It`s maybe not perfect, but he gets a few hours sleep every night, and that`s better than nothing. 

Then, days before his birthday in June, something happens. Noora declares that she wants to move to London with William. And that's when Isak gets the opportunity to move back into Kollektivet. Isak is still miserable and missing Even, but he still feels like this can be a new start. He has changed a lot already, coming out to his closest friends and talking about shit. Having a new place to live in seems very fitting. It feels good to move into Kollektivet, too. He's been missing Eskild, to be honest. 

Paying for the room proves to be difficult, of course, but he doesn`t give up. He applies for a grant to be able to live away from home, and texts his father and asks him to support him for his rent (he deserves to pay, goddammit). It`s going to work.

When he moves in, Eskild and Linn welcome Isak like a son, or maybe a younger brother. He should expect nothing less of Eskild with the caretaking pink in his eyes, of course. Eskild might be strange at times, but he cares. Isak discovers that Linn has a dark, muddy green in her eyes. It tells him that she has a tendency to be insecure and feel like a victim. Sometimes he sees a brighter green that shows when she’s more in harmony. He likes Linn, just as much as Eskild.

Isak quickly realizes that Noora has had an obsessiveness about tidying and washing that will be a hard act to follow. It`s hard not to notice, since Eskild uses every opportunity to compare them. However, Isak knows that he mostly has more control around the flat than Eskild and Linn have, anyway. He`s the one doing the laundry, and he`s the one tidying the mess in the kitchen most often. Isak is sure it will work out just fine.

Isak makes his new room livable and keeps busy and does all he can to forget that Even still hasn't answered any of his texts yet. Not one of them. It’s been more than a month since Even disappeared out of Isak`s life, and Isak has almost resigned himself into believing that he will never see him again. 

Then, on his birthday, when Isak's sitting at Jonas` place, having some beers with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus, a text tics in on his phone: 

_ Happy birthday, Isak. :) _

Even. Isak’s heart flutters at the sight; he can't help it. 

Even continues:  _ I`m sorry I haven't answered you earlier. And I’m sorry I have no gift for you. I just hope you have a great day. _

Isak swallows. Even can't help being sick. He can't help the fact that he got carried away. Isak’s fingers tremble as he types an answer:  _ It's okay, Even. Texting me is better than a gift, anyway. I'm chilling with the boys. Are you alright? _

There's no answer. He waits for several minutes, but there's still nothing. Of course, Isak thinks. Even never answers. 

However, about twenty minutes later, a text tics in. When Isak picks up his phone, he sees that Even has sent him an image. It's a photo of a sketch. A cartoon of Even and him, sitting side by side, drinking beer. Isak has a birthday gift next to him. The text say:  _ In another place and time. _

Isak almost wants to cry. He types:  _ Thank you for the drawing. i like it. :) _

_ Call me _ , Isak wants to write.  _ Tell me how you're doing _ .  _ Are you alright?  _ He doesn't. He doesn't dare to ask for anything more. He doesn't want to have this unanswered question staring at him on his phone. 

Isak spends most of the evening staring dumbly at his phone. When his phone suddenly rings, he almost gets a heart attack. But then it`s only his father. Isak wants to cry. His dad, the guy who left Isak to take care of his mom, isn't exactly the guy he wants to talk to right now. His father congratulates him and says that they should meet. That Isak should visit his mom. Instead of crying Isak gets so pissed that he doesn't even stutter when he says: – I`m gay. I'm in love with a boy. He doesn't love me, I think, but yeah. I'm fucking gay.

– I don't understand, are you joking right now? If you're in love with a boy, that's very fine, Isak. And if it works out, I would really want to meet him. But you know how your mom is. She gets easily stressed out. 

Isak doesn't say anything to that. 

– Are you okay, Isak? his father asks. – Or are you upset, or…?

– No, I'm fine, Isak says, fighting his tears. He stops the call before it gets too difficult. 

Jonas notices at once that something's off. He gives Isak some beer, tells him stupid stories and tries to lift his spirits. Magnus and Mahdi do the same. It doesn't exactly make him happy, but it helps him think about something else than Even and all his worries all the time.

Not long after the call from his father, his mother contacts him, too. Isak gets a bible quote. 

_ Now the  _ _ Lord _ _ was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the  _ _ Lord _ _ did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him.  _ __ _ When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him. Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”  _ __ _ And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” _

Isak stares at the text, trying to decipher it. Is it supposed to have a meaning? Is she referring to his birthday? His name Isak? He doesn't get it. It makes him so frustrated that he wants to throw his phone away. He doesn't answer.

The rest of the evening, Isak ignores his phone, silently hoping that will lead to better results than staring all the time. 

It doesn`t. 

After those texts at his birthday, Isak doesn't hear from Even again for a long time. He sends Even some small updates and memes, but Even never answers. When Isak asks Mikael and the other boys, they say he has stopped answering them, as well. 

– Well, I guess he still has Sonja, Isak says then.

The boys stare at him like he’s mad.

– Even broke up with Sonja back in March or something, Mikael says. – I think it was around the time you got together with Sara.

_ What? _ Isak stares at them, he can't really wrap his mind around it.

– It was the same day, Yousef fills in, not meeting Isak’s eyes. – I remember that party.

Elias shakes his head, looking at Isak. – Tell me, don’t you guys ever talk about shit?

_ Fuck _ . Isak feels horrible. Even broke up with Sonja ages ago, and he never told him. Well, it`s not like Isak has told Even everything, either, like his living situation, for instance, but he really thought that they could talk about things like that. Even had asked him about Sara, after all? And now… Even’s just gone. Were they never as good friends as he thought at all?

Isak has never felt so lost before.  He starts to realize that his biggest fear - that he never will see or hear from Even again - could become true. So he continues to send Even small meaningless memes and texts, hoping that one day he will get an answer. 

July turns out to be a strange month. It feels both depressing and interesting at the same time. Even if the longing for Even makes Isak miserable, he is working other things out, and it feels good. He reads a lot, both about sexual preferences and mental health, and he learns a lot. He has his circle of friends, too, and he spends a lot of time with them. Then, in the middle of July, Isak goes out with Eskild. 

Eskild asks him to come partying with his “gay gang”, and Isak surprises himself saying yes. It`s one of these things he does, to challenge himself. Isak knows now that he has a problematic attitude when it comes to being gay. The only gay friend he has is Eskild, and he has only been to a gay bar once. He still is full of prejudices and fears. Things are getting better, but the thought of being openly gay still scares him. He knows that he needs to widen his perspective. So, going out with Eskild and his gay tribe is just the right thing for him.

He needs a break from worrying, too. 

Going out with Eskild is the most fun Isak has had in years. He is nervous in the beginning, of course, but Eskild is so laid back and all over the place at the same time, that the nerves quickly fade away. 

Eskild`s friends are friendly and accepting and treat him like he's a prince. Or maybe a young apprentice. Isak gets to hear their stories. He learns a lot about his own fears, and he knows that he's growing. They chat, drink and dance, and it`s exhilarating to watch all the same sex couples make out and not being shy about it at all. 

And Isak dances, and dances, and dances, and it's almost like he's dancing all his worries away.

While he`s dancing in the middle of the dance floor, his phone buzzes and he receives a text. He picks his phone up and suddenly he is in a silent island of ice in the middle of the chaos of moving bodies. 

_ Even _ . It's a text from Even. Isak breathes heavily from dancing, but also from nerves, as he reads: 

_ Dear Isak. I'm now sitting there where we met each other for the first time and I'm thinking of you. It's almost 21:21. I want to say a thousand things to you. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for hurting you.    _ __  
_  
_ __ I'm bipolar, you see. 

_ I should have answered your texts, but I was scared to lose you. I'd forgotten that it's not possible to lose someone, when everyone is alone anyway. In another place in the universe we're still spending time together, remember that.  _

Isak looks at the text. At first he is so grateful, that Even finally has made contact again, that he feels like crying.  _ Sorry _ , it says.  _ Together _ . 

Isak smiles, while his eyes sting. Maybe there's hope? Maybe everything will be just fine again? He puts the phone away and watches everyone dancing. 

But then it hits him. _Everyone is alone?_ _Fuck._ He picks up his phone and reads the text again. He reads ´ _everyone is alone anyway_ ` and ´ _In another place in the universe_ ` And he gets cold. Even is all about the epic love stories where the main characters die. It`s like he has written a letter, just like in Romeo + Juliet. 

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck, I almost missed it.  _

Isak hurries over to Eskild, with his heart racing in his chest. He grips Eskild`s shirt like it`s a lifeline. – I gotta go. Even… he`s depressed and… I think Even's in danger.

He must be looking terrified, because Eskild sobers up at once. – I'll get you an Uber, he says, and helps Isak out of the crowd. – I'll pay it, so you don't have to think about it. It`s going to be okay, Isak, I'm sure of it.

Isak isn`t sure at all. He runs outside with his heart in his throat, and he must be unbelievably lucky, because the Uber is there at once. Isak knows where Even is. He orders the driver to set the course for Hartvig Nissen. He leans back in his seat, and for the first time in a long time, he begs to forces that he really doesn't believe in.  _ Please _ , he begs.  _ Please let everything be okay. Please let Even be okay _ . He tries to call Even, but he gets no answer. He shuts his eyes, and the only thing he sees is Even.

In just a couple of minutes, they are there. The driver assures him that the Uber is paid for, and Isak runs outside.  _ Please, please, please  _ still rings in his head as he enters the school yard. _ Please let him be okay. _

The problem is, that Even isn't there. Isak stands there, blinking, not understanding. 

_ Please _ .  _ No. It can't be true. It can't be too late.  _

But then Isak sees a movement in his side vision, a door opens, and there he is. Even comes out, in all his layers, looking lost.  _ His Even. _

Isak stares at him, and the relief is like a wave over him, threatening to knock him to his knees. His heart beats so hard, that it`s painful. 

Even looks up and freezes. Stares. He’s pale. Drained. His eyes are surprised, though. Like he can't believe what he sees.

Isak’s heart races, and it’s like everything slows down. He takes some hesitant steps towards Even, and Even takes some steps, too. They walk slowly towards each other. 

They stop in front of each other, and Isak leans forward.  _ Even.  _ He looks so lost. Even’s sad eyes are still fixed on him. There are no colours in Even`s eyes. Well, there`s a hint of something yellow, but it's so muddy and grey with desperation that it's impossible to see. Isak cups Even`s face in his hands, touches Even`s nose with his nose. Touches Even`s cheek with his own. Something happens in Even`s eyes, he can see the gray fading and some of the colours coming back. Isak doesn't know if he sees hope or fear in Even`s eyes. Maybe both.

– Du er ikke alene, he whispers, and hugs Even. Holds him close.  _ You're not alone. _

 

###  **Isak: Not Typical of You**

Isak`s first thought when he wakes up, is that he`s not sure where he is. The second thought is that he's thirsty, and that he should find something to drink. He looks at the ceiling, that`s only a few inches over him, listens to the quiet room and the slow breathing next to him, and he realizes that he`s next to Even, in Even`s bunk bed. 

Suddenly he remembers everything. Partying with Eskild and his friends, the text from Even and the panic… Isak isn't sure that Even had been in immediate danger, but he's sure that it was right to seek him out. Even had accepted his hug, and for some reason, he had been very clear about the fact that he wanted Isak to follow him home. So Isak did, without thinking about it. He didn't even stress much about meeting Even`s parents. He just registered that they seemed like good people. When Even said that Isak was staying in his room, and in his bed, they didn't even lift an eyebrow.   

And now Isak is here. Waiting for Even to wake up. Telling himself not to expect too much. Even is still depressed and they are still only friends. Well, friends who have fooled around a couple of times.  

Isak turns to his side, facing Even. The bed is narrow, but he still manages to do it without waking Even up. Even sleeps deeply, and Isak watches him carefully. He follows the lines of Even`s face as he listens to the slow rhythm of his breath. The sight and sound of him makes Isak feel warm and anchored and, as weird as it sounds in this situation, safe. He worries of course, he worries a lot. But right now Even is right here, next to him, and somehow just his presence makes the worries calm down.

It takes some time before Even wakes up, and Isak waits for it. At one moment he goes quickly to the toilet and grabs a glass of water in the kitchen, but then he climbs back up into bed and lies down, next to Even. Watching him and waiting. 

When Even finally opens his eyes, Isak meets his sleepy and confused gaze. The colours in eyes are still grey and muddy, but maybe a little brighter than last night.

– Halla, Isak whispers. 

– Halla. Even answers gruffly. His movements are slow. – Time is it? 

– About half past eleven, Isak says, still watching him. – How are you? Are you hungry?

Even sighs. – You don't have to be here, Isak.

– Well, I am. How are you? 

Even looks away, stares at the ceiling. – I guess I'm better, just very down still. I'm sorry. For everything.

– Don't be.

There's a heavy silence between them for a moment. Even looks around, like he looks for something, then his eyes rests on the ceiling above them. – I have to tell you, he says. – I have bipolar disorder.

Isak nods. – Well, yeah you told me, remember? In the text?

– I did? Yeah, I guess I did.

– And I kind of figured out it was something like that already. Manic and depressive episodes, right?

There's a strange glint in Even`s eyes when he looks at Isak, almost like he finds something funny. – You did? 

Isak feels hot in his head. – Yeah, I might have googled some stuff. Magnus tells me that I google too much. But I just needed to know, right? I knew that something was… off. 

Even nods. – I should have known that your scientific mind would figure it out. It`s just that... the doctors seemed to take long enough to do the same. 

The thought of Even fighting his feelings alone while the doctors searched for the answer made Isak`s tummy churn. – I`m sorry, Even. 

Even sighs. – I`m testing out medications. It has been a struggle, but it`s better now. I was starting to get better.

Isak is confused. – You were? But why… Why did you send that text? It sounded like you wanted to end everything?

Even looks away. – Yeah, well… To be honest I did think a lot of dark thoughts when I got sick. And I know it sounds horrible, but death sounded like the only way out. But I have been so depressed, so apathetic, that I haven't had the energy to do anything about it. However, then the medicine started to work, and suddenly I had the energy to actually plan to do something. 

Even`s words are painfully honest. Isak swallows. – Uhm..  You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but… Why? Why did you want to die?

Even shuts his eyes. – I just… wanted peace. Everything was so painful all the time, and I was so tired of it all and everything just seemed hopeless. And I thought that everybody would be better off without me. 

– It's not true, you know, Isak says, swallowing and swallowing his tears back. 

Even doesn`t answer. 

Isak isn't sure if he wants to know, but he still asks: – Do you still want to die?

It`s only a whisper. 

Even bites his lip. – Yeah, I kind of do. Or, at least I want… rest. But it's not like I have plans or anything. And I guess I kind of want to get better, too. I'm a mess, Isak, I`m sorry.

– It`s alright, Even. 

It isn`t really. Nothing`s alright. Isak just doesn't know what to say. 

– I’m glad that you contacted me, he says. Then he thinks for a moment. – What about Sonja? Did you send for her, too?

Even looks at him, and there`s a colour of guilt in his eyes. –  You know that Sonja and I broke up, right?

_ Yeah. You never told me. Why not? _

Isak nods. – Uh, yeah. The guys told me. I just thought, you two go way back, so...

Even stares at the ceiling. – Yeah, we grew apart I guess. So no, I didn't contact her. I just wanted to explain everything to you.

Isak doesn't know what to do with his feelings. He is hurt, angry and scared, he can’t see Even’s eyes, and he is lost. He doesn't know what to do.

He stretches out his hand and turns Even`s face to his. As he touches Even, it`s like he feels calmer. On an impulse he cups Even`s face, moves closer, and leans his forehead against Even`s. He shuts his eyes and focuses on the moment. They're here together. That's all that matters. 

– You're calming down, Even says. 

– Huh? Isak says, confused. Then the shock hits him, and he opens his eyes. – You can really feel it? he asks. – You can feel what I feel? 

_ Does that mean that Even knows what Isak feels for him, too? _

Even looks at him with a concerned look in his eyes. – I've never told anyone, he says.

Isak blinks, and lets his fingers circle at Even`s temple. He doesn't know what the reason is, but the colours in Even`s eyes are a little brighter, and he seems more focused. Isak can`t believe it. Can Even really pick up other`s feelings?

– How? Isak asks. 

Even swallows. – When I touch people I can feel what they feel in the moment. 

– So what do I feel right now?

Even is quick to answer: – Confused, curious and… a little scared? Are you afraid that I can read your mind? I can't read your mind, Isak. But I can feel what you feel just now. 

Even puts his hand on Isak's cheek, and the touch feels like balm to Isak's nerves. – It's not really a science, though. Sometimes other people's feelings get tangled up in my own, and I don't know what's what. Sometimes I manage to lock other's feelings out, too. 

Isak breathes out. – Wow. Okay. Yeah, I guess I was a little… afraid, maybe. I feel better now.

So, Even can't know what he thinks, and as long as Isak doesn't focus too much on his attraction to Even, he should be safe. 

Still, this ability that Even has is a huge thing. 

Isak knows it`s probably a bad idea, but the bad joke pops out of him before he can stop himself: – I must say, you did go out of your way to give me leverage. 

– Huh?

– You know. Remember, you told me that you wanted to give me leverage. For my big fucking secret. Being gay. Right?

There's a hint of a smile in Even`s face. – True. This is some fucking huge secret, too. Not only do I have a bipolar disorder, I can feel other's feelings. 

They both chuckle a little. 

– Well that's alright then, Isak says, lamely.

After a moment, Even says: – I never thought you would believe me, though. I thought you would just say it was my mania. You're so… logical.

Isak leans back a little, meeting Even`s gaze. The colours there are a lot brighter now. – Well, maybe that's because I… well, I have sort of a ability like that, too, he admits.

– You have? Even says.

Isak wants to look away to steel himself, but for some reason it feels like staying close to Even helps him focus. – I see colours in people`s eyes. 

Even looks confused. – Colours.

– Yeah. It`s like… you can compare it to auras, right? I don't believe in that bullshit, really, but it's almost like I can read auras in other`s eyes. That is, most people have one or two colours that describe them as persons, and these colours are mixed with other colours to show health, emotions and stuff.

– Wow.

– Yeah. So Jonas has yellow in his eyes, Magnus orange and Mahdi green. Those colours say a lot about how they are. And then, if they get angry, I can see red in their eyes. Each colour can mean different things, though, so it's not that easy.

– Can you see these colours in everybody's eyes? 

– Nah, only the people who are important to me somehow. And it's confusing sometimes, when I meet new people and I don't know why I see their colours. 

Even stares at him. – So, do you see mine? 

Isak blushes. – I do.

Is it only his imagination or does Even look a little pleased?

– And what`s the colour in my eyes? he asks.

Isak pauses for a moment. – Well, uh, you have all the colours, he admits. 

– All the colours?

– Yeah. You have all the colours of the rainbow. Yesterday, and when you woke up today, the colours were kind of grey and muddy, but now they're brighter. It tells me that you feel better. And I can see a lot of yellow, that can mean that you’re thinking a lot, or are nervous.

– I do. I feel a lot better, actually. And I am thinking a lot right now. But what does it mean, that I have more than one colour? 

– I don't know. Maybe it means that you take  in other people’s feelings so easily. Or maybe you're just special. I`m trying to figure it out. I think of you as an orange personality. You have a lot in common with Eva and Magnus. Or maybe purple, because you are pretty perceptive and intuitive, too. But I also can see all the other colours, like red passion, yellow intellect, blue carefulness and green calmness.  

– You can see all that? 

Isak shrugs. – Well, when it comes to you, I'm not sure what I see. But yeah.

– Wow, Even sighs, and let`s go of Isak`s face. He turns on his back and stares at the ceiling. – This is pretty mindblowing. 

Isak turns around and looks at the ceiling too. – Yeah, it sure is.

They are quiet for a moment, lying there side by side. Isak feels pretty good. He wonders why he feels so good.

– Do you think that these abilities we have are about more than reading feelings and shit? Even asks. – Because, it`s like, when you touch me, it feels like something shifts, and I feel calmer and more focused.

– Yeah, me too, Isak admits. – I feel calmer when you're close. Maybe you're onto something. 

He hesitates. – I don't know what I'll do if I discover that I can heal others, though. That sounds a little bit too much responsibility. 

– Yeah, fuck.

There is a stunned silence between them. 

Then Even turns around, facing Isak again. Isak can still see the colours in his eyes, but there is a lot of grey, too. If Isak has healing powers, they don't last for long. 

Even has a troubled look in his eyes. When Isak reaches out to touch his face, he draws back. –  Don’t. I’m Sorry, but this is… just a bit much. I need a moment.

– Of course, Isak nods. – I’m sorry.

– Do people at school talk about all that shit I posted on Face? Even asks. – Do they know that I ran out naked?

Isak is taken aback. – Seriously, Even? What do you think about me? No, of course nobody knows about you running out. Don't worry. 

– But they talk about what I posted, right?

Isak can't deny that there has been some questions and comments about him. – People at school don’t matter anyway.

Even sighs, looking sad. – Yeah, well, I`ve deleted my accounts, and I've decided to change schools in the autumn. 

Isak`s heart stops.  _ No _ , no that can't happen. Even can't just leave? He fights to keep his tears back. –  _ Why?  _ he says.  

– Because I fucked up, and everything is fucked at Nissen. 

The thought of Nissen without Even is more than depressing. Isak is desperate. He must get Even to change his mind. That means that he needs to play his cards right. He knows Even. He can`t beg Even to stay, that would only make him run faster.

– Okay... he says in a doubtful voice.

– Okay what? 

– It's just not typical of you, Even. 

– What do you mean?

– I didn't know you were someone who would just give up. 

Even looks angry. – What the fuck? Maybe I am someone who gives up! I don't know! What makes you think that you know what kind of person I am? 

Isak winces. – Yeah, ok. I didn't mean it like that, Even. I probably don't know. Sorry. 

Even doesn't answer. Isak’s heart clenches. Did he go too far? He still decides to push further: – It's actually not that complicated, Even. It's just what people do. If you want to change schools because things are a little fucked up, you are someone who gives up easily. 

It’s quiet for a moment, then the answer comes: – I'm not five years old, Isak. You thought reverse psychology would work on me? 

– I don't know. Does it? 

Even doesn't answer at once. Isak hopes that means he thinks about it. Finally, he says:

– Yeah, I don't know. 

_ Please don't leave _ , Isak wants to say. He knows he shouldn't be begging, so he doesn't say anything.

Even looks away. – I`m going away for the rest of the summer, though. But we'll meet when I'm back. 

– Yeah, sure, Isak says and swallows. So. He won't see Even before school starts up again. This is the last time. Isak wonders if Even wants to avoid him. But for what reason?

– So, he breathes. – This has been some talk.

– Yeah.

They lie there together and Isak wonders what happens next. 

They have talked about a lot, but there`s still a lot they haven't discussed, and Isak doesn't know what happens. Are they friends? Are they something more? A part of him wonders if Even thinks about the same. 

After a little while, there comes a whisper: – I am sorry about what happened. 

Isak looks at Even, feeling confused. – For what?

Even`s cheeks are pink, and he seems to refuse to meet Isak`s gaze. – I am sorry for what happened in the pool.

_ Oh, damn.  _ Isak feels hot in his head. Even was sorry for it. Did he regret it all? 

– Uh, sure, but, I am sorry, too, he says and shuts his eyes for a moment. – I should probably have seen that something was off. I was just… caught up in the moment, you know?  

He draws his breath, it feels like his words stumbled out of him in a rush, and now he`s left breathless. – So I`m sorry if you feel like I have… uh… abused the situation or something.

Even turns his head and looks at him. The grey in his eyes is still there, but Isak can read something similar to fond amusement, too. His eyebrows go up. – Abused the situation? Seriously, Isak? Of course not!

Isak releases his breath. Even doesn't resent him for that, then. – But do you regret that it happened? he asks. – You said you were sorry, I mean?

Even thinks for a beat. – I don't want anything to come between us, Isak. We've become good friends. So if what happened in the pool messes us up, then I`m sorry.

– Well, it won`t, Isak says.

At least he won't let anything come between them like that. Not even his own hopeless crush. – We're friends, and we'll keep being friends. Right?

Even nods. – Yeah, okay.

He looks tired. – I think I need to get some sleep now, he says. – And we're going to pack our bags later, so…

– Are you going away so soon?

Shit. Is this it, then? Isak wishes he could argue against it, but he has no right to protest, really.

– Yeah, we're supposed to travel tomorrow. Mom thinks it's good for me to go away for a little while. So she can keep an eye on me. 

– Okay.

Even looks away. – Now that my meds are starting to work, we can be away for a few weeks before I see my therapist. 

Isak nods, to show that he understands. Inside he`s screaming. He just got Even back. How can he just leave and stay away for so long? But he can't say that. Isak understands that Even needs some time away. 

Isak takes another deep breath. – Okay. I should go then, so you can get some sleep. 

He sits up in the bed. Turns around and leans on his hand, so he hovers over Even. He can still see the colours in Even’s eyes, but there’s a lot of grey, too. Isak stretches out a hand and touches Even’s cheek. He can see the change in his eyes immediately. The grey fades and the colours seem more balanced and clear. 

Even says nothing.

Isak retracts his hand. – Good talk, he says, feeling like a dork. – I'll let myself out, yeah? 

Even nods.

Isak focuses on his breathing, and on feeling calm, when he gives Even a hug. He wouldn`t want Even to catch that he's sad. 

– Yeah, sure, Even says.

Isak climbs down the ladder. – See you in the autumn, Even. 

Even hardly lifts his head. – Bye, Isak. See you then.

Going out of the house is one of the most difficult things Isak has done. But he does it, and he goes home to sleep for several hours. 

Isak floats through the next couple of days in a sorrowful haze. He's been infatuated with Even for a long time, but this is so much more. He's getting to know Even in a way he never thought he would. It's weird to think about the fact that Even has this amazing ability, that he can sense other people's feelings! And maybe heal them too? Or at least make them calmer or more focused. If it weren't for Isak`s own strange ability, he never would have believed it. And then there is Even`s illness. Isak has always been so… scared about mental illnesses. So wary about it. But with Even… it feels like an honour that Even would open up to him. 

Now Isak`s main goal is to survive the summer without seeing Even and hearing much from him. Isak wants to keep their friendship. He wants it so badly that he knows he can suppress all his other feelings. Or at least he's going to try. So he sends a funny text or two, and doesn't expect any answers. He doesn't get any for a while, either.

One day at the beginning of August, he gets a message on his phone. It`s another drawing, and this time it`s a cartoon of Isak and Even, sitting together, in the sun. The caption is “In another place and time,” just like the last time. 

Isak can't resist smiling. The little drawing makes his day so much brighter. 

_ I like your drawing _ , he writes back.  _ Will be good to see you again when the school starts. _

_ You just assume that you have persuaded me to continue at Nissen? _

_ Of course. You will, don't you? _

_ Lol, yeah, I will. I`m a sucker for reverse psychology. Will be good to see you, Isak.  _

The drawing gives Isak just enough energy to find some other things to focus on. Isak knows he has come a long way with his own prejudices. Still, he feels like he needs to make some changes. He still struggles with being perceived as not tough enough or masculine enough, for instance. There’s still something bothering him about being gay and associated with tights and mascara. And that’s just not right. He still fears to come out to everybody, too, and especially his mom. Only the thought of it makes him uneasy. But he wants to.  _ No more hiding, _ he tells himself again, like a mantra.  _ No more prejudices _ .

He decides to challenge himself when it comes to his own reactions what is traditionally looked at as soft and feminine. He has been so uneasy about being soft, or being something that wasn't masculine enough, for so long, and he knows he needs to do something about it. So, when he meets Eskild at the cafe (they have kept the tradition of meeting for coffee every week), he tells him.

– I wanna do something, he says. – I wanna do something that scares me a little. About being… soft. You know, something like… tights and mascara. 

Eskild gives him a long look. – Why?

– You know how I have struggled with thing like that, and I feel like… I need to challenge myself, I guess, to get over it.

Eskild raises his eyebrows. – How… scientific and methodic of you.

Isak shrugs.

Eskild smiles then. – Well, what's the most scary thing to do, baby Isak? he asks. There`s a mix of humour and pride in his eyes.

– I don't know? To wear makeup, maybe, or maybe a dress?

Eskild grins. – You should do both, then.

– Oh, fuck. 

The thought is not scary, but it makes him nervous. Still, he takes the challenge. – I can wear a dress and makeup, but only if someone helps me do it properly. 

– Oh, I can help you, dear. In fact, let's do it right now.

Eskild drinks up his coffee and drags Isak back to the flat. Isak follows him, wondering what the hell he has sat in motion. 

As they go inside, Eskild assures him that Linn is gone for the day. Isak follows Eskild to his room. It's weird to be there again, now that he's not sneaking in to take a shower or borrow something in the kitchen. He has his own room now, and the right to be in the flat. But he doesn't get to think about that for long. Eskild is quick to pick out both a slim fitting dress and some makeup. – I'm prepared, he says, laughing. – You know you should go out in this, right? Or at least post a photo or two on Insta?

Isak huffs. Would that really be necessary? he wonders. The thought of putting himself out there, in makeup and a dress, scares the shit out of him. 

Eskild watches him, and it`s like he can see the thoughts whirling around in his head. – We can of course just try it on, he says. –  In your own tempo, right? I am just saying that you would really challenge yourself if you show others.

Isak nods. He struggles with the thought, but deep down, he agrees. Now that he has decided to try this out, he shouldn't do it halfway. 

– Let's see how it goes, he says. He goes to the bathroom, to put his dress on. It`s a blue, tight and short thing that is for showing legs and shoulders off, it seems. He feels rather weird, but he keeps his head up as he goes back into Eskild`s room. 

Eskild grins, but says nothing as he comes back. He just orders Isak to sit down and starts on Isak`s makeup, and Isak doesn`t know if he's excited or scared. Possibly both. 

– The makeup suits you, Eskild says. – We are so taking a picture of this.

Isak wonders if doing this will help at all. It definitely feels like he’s going out of his comfort zone, and if that is helpful on his way to acceptance, then this will work. 

– There, Eskild says, – You're done.

Isak suddenly feels nervous. But then Eskild smiles, pulls him up and drags him to the bathroom and the large mirror there. – Look, he says, – You're adorabelle, Isak. 

Isak looks at himself. The image in the mirror is different than the one he knows. His skin looks fresh and free from blemishes, but the most striking part is the eyes and the mascara. His green eyes look… well they look like a woman's eyes, basically. And his lips have lipstick on. It's as feminine as it gets. It makes him feel a little weird, but also kind of… relieved? Like, this isn't half as scary as he thought it would be.

And then Eskild is all over him, taking photos and talking about posing. Isak feels slightly uncomfortable through the whole thing. But he goes through with it, and he ends up having a little fun, too. 

The thought of showing others, still scares him a little. 

– So, he says, as Eskild talks about maybe posting a photo, about filters and what's the best image. – This is how I come out to everybody, then?

Eskild freezes. – Uh, I didn't think about the fact that you aren't out yet, he admits. – But wearing makeup isn't exactly coming out, either. And you should only post anything if you're ready for it, of course. 

Isak thinks for a beat. Then he shakes his head and smiles. – Don't worry, I'm actually… fine with the idea. I don't know if this thing with Even getting sick has changed me? I don't care if people at school know. I guess… I still worry about telling... some people, but not the people at school. And posing in makeup and a dress doesn't really bother me that much any longer, either. 

Eskild beams at him. – Mission accomplished, then! he says. – Well, if you don't mind it, what picture do you want to choose?

Isak looks at the pictures, and picks out the one that bugs him the most. He looks so vulnerable in that photo, it almost hurts. 

– That one, he says. 

– Good one, Eskild says, with surprise in the pink of his eyes.

Isak nods, and writes his caption.  _ Finding my softer, gayer side.  _ His fingers shake a little as he types it in. So much for “not minding”. Then he takes a deep breath, posts the photo, and turns of his phone. He`s maybe ready to come out, and ready to show a new side, but he sure as hell isn't ready to talk to everybody about it. Not now. 

He has a cup of coffee with Eskild, before he gets out of the dress and wipes off the makeup. He's not ready to go out in it, and he doesn`t even think it`s a goal. He has overcome some of his own inner demons, and that's enough. He feels almost high from what he has done. It wasn't more than a change of clothes and a layer of paint on his face, and it still feels big. He wonders what his friends are going to think. He hasn't opened his phone yet, but he expects a lot of reactions. He still feels like there's one person he needs to tell everything - his mom. But how can he hurt her like that? She believes in her God, and she believes he will go to hell for his desires. How can he do that to her? 

In a moment of indecisiveness, he turns on his phone again. At once, several messages flood both his Insta account. He has gotten some personal texts, too, that he checks first. Jonas has written:  _ Fuck, bro, you`re badass. Wish I was more there for you before. I still regret all those times we threw “gay” around like a stupid joke. Sorry, Iss. _

Fuck. Isak swallows. He wasn't prepared for that at all.  _ Don't worry _ , he types back. He hesitates for a moment, and then:  _ Means a lot that you tell me, though. _

He takes a deep breath and checks his Insta account. There are comments from all his friends, supporting him, and even from people that he doesn't know that well. He notices a comment from @therealsanabakkoush, Eva`s friend with the hijab and the insightful purple eyes. She says he's brave. For some reason, his ex Sara then asks her if homosexuality isn't against her religion. Sana`s answer makes Isak swallow several times:  _ If anyone uses their religion to argue/ legitimize their hatred, don't listen to them.  _ _ Because hate doesn't come from religion, but from fear. _

And Isak knows what he needs to do. He puts his phone away and decides to make another visit. 

When he rings the doorbell of his childhood home, with the same name plate hanging there still, with Terje, Marianne, Isak and Lea, he wants to cry. 

Coming inside, he sees that his mom is not well. She looks confused  and tired, but at least she has kept the house somewhat tidy. He hugs her, and cups her face, and for a moment the sickening colour in her eyes disappears and the yellow in her eyes is clear. Isak is so focused on telling her what he needs to tell her, that he doesn't pause to think about what it can mean. 

– Mom, I need to tell you something, he says, with his heart in his throat. – I am gay. I like boys. And I think that I have fallen in love with a boy. 

His mom looks at him. The yellow in her eyes is still a bright colour. 

– I am sorry if you're scared for me. I know you think that I'll go to hell, but. I`m fine. I promise. I`m a lot better now. I can be who I am.  

His mom looks at him with tears in her eyes. – Isak, she says, stroking her fingers through his hair. – Let me say this. From the very first second I saw you on June 1999 at 21:21, I have loved you and I always will until eternity. Nothing you say or do can change that. Okay?

Isak can't help it. Tears form in his eyes, too. He needs this so badly right now. He throws his arms around his mom, and hugs her like he hasn't hugged her in years. It feels like coming home.

He leans back a little, and watches her. The sickly yellow colour is seeping back into her eyes. He sighs. He knows that he needs to test it out.

– Mom, I need to do something, is that alright?

She looks confused. – Sure? 

Isak  leans his forehead to hers, and cups her face. Thinks on calm things. The colour in her eyes changes. The yellow is clear and healthy, just like he remembers how her mind once used to be. – Are you okay? he asks.

– I feel good, Isak. What`s happening? 

Isak laughs. – I don't know, mom. Can we sit like this for a moment? I wanna see how long I can make this last. 

His mom smiles. – We can sit like this for long as you like, Isak. I have missed hugging you, baby. 

After about ten minutes, Isak leans back. Then he makes them some tea while he watches her eyes carefully. The effect lasts for about an hour. Then he sees the sick colour seeping back in. He can't help it, the tears start streaming from his eyes. 

– I can't help you, Mom, he whispers, leaning his head to her shoulder. – I thought I could help you. 

She holds him, and strokes his arm. – It`s okay, Isak, it really is. It seems like God has given you this… gift. That can help people find a focus for a while. Or find a better balance, maybe. It feels like it. And maybe that's enough? You still want to be a doctor right? 

– Yeah, maybe?

– Well, then maybe this gift can help you to figure out what help your patients need. You should be glad you're not a healer, Isak. That must be a far too heavy burden to bear. 

Isak nods. He can see that she has a point. He just wished that he could help her. That he could help Even, too. He sighs. – Even, the guy I like, he… He has bipolar disorder. I hoped that I could help him, and help you. 

– I see that, honey, I do. But Even gets help, right? From doctors, maybe?

– Yeah. 

– Then all you can do is to be there for him. 

She smiles. And maybe it`s because of his head leaning on her shoulder, or his hand holding her, but the colour in her eyes is clear. 

Isak sits up. – Mom, can you do something for me? he asks. 

– Of course. 

He holds her gaze. – Can you start up your treatment again? 

His mom smiles then. – Yes, Isak. I can do that. 

She laughs a little. – I probably shouldn't tell the doctors about this ability of yours, though. 

Isak laughs a startled laugh. – No, probably not.

They have a long chat that evening, about love, life and everything that has been happening since he moved out. And afterwards, Isak feels lighter than in years. Before he goes, he mutters: 

– I should stay here, Mom, to help you. 

She looks at him with a fondness that almost breaks him. – No, honey, you are not supposed to be my medicine. Or anyone`s. You should stay in that flat you're living in. It sounds like you have good people around you. I can work on getting better with my therapist. I don't want you to struggle anymore, baby. I don't want to be a burden.

Isak swallows his tears back, and wonders if Even ever thinks like that, too. – You`re not a burden, Mom. 

She laughs. – Well, sometimes I am. But it`s okay. 

He stares at her; he has no words..

– It’s going to be okay, Isak, his mom says. – Everything’s going to be okay.

Isak chooses to believe her. He knows that he needs to, so he doesn't go under. When he goes home, he thinks again about how the colours in her eyes changed, and he can't help wondering if he would have helped her to stay healthy if he had stayed. He pushes the thought away, and tries to focus that he’s come a long way. He’ll probably spend another year pining for one of his best friends, but he’s out. He knows who he is. It could be worse.

When he comes home, he checks if Even has sent him anything. There's nothing there, just like it has been nothing for weeks. Isak decides to focus on the comments and texts from his other friends and tells himself that it’s enough. Just like Even`s and his friendship has to be enough.

Just when he's about to fall asleep, it pops in a silly meme from Seinfeld on his phone.  _ Even _ . Isak feels ridiculous when he snuggles into his pillow with a smile on his face. Because of a meme. 

Later in August, when school starts up, and Isak enters the schoolyard next to Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, he knows there’s a possibility that he’ll meet Even again. But how is it going to be? Will they be able to talk about everything, like last time? Will it be awkward?  As Isak heads for his locker, he stews over possible scenarios until he gets so stressed out that he comes to the conclusion that the only sensible course of action is to not see Even ever again. However, that solution is completely unacceptable, of course. It feels wrong  –  so wrong that when he thinks about shunning Even it physically hurts, causing an ache deep in his chest.

He locks his locker and shuts his eyes for a moment, to gather some strength. Every time he remembers the toe-curling kisses, the hot moments and the good talks he's shared with Even, his body flushes hot and cold. He wants more. He needs more. He just knows that he can’t.

He turns around, and suddenly times stops. There he is.  _ Even _ .

 

###  **Isak: Lykke til Isak**

Even stands there, in the middle of the hallway with a hoodie and jean jacket on, and with music in his ears. He looks beautiful. Cool. He also looks like he has put his guard up, to protect himself from everything. It looks like he fears that everyone’s gonna avoid him.

Well that’s not going to happen. Isak goes straight to him, and he is followed by Jonas and the others. – Hi, he says, trying to hide how flustered he feels. – You're back.

– Yeah, hi.

Even almost looks surprised that they come over. He smiles a friendly smile and gives the boys a hug. Magnus, of course, gives him a bear hug.

– Good to see you, guys, Even says. – Mikael is late, as usual, so it’s nice to see some friendly faces.

– Sure, Jonas says and pats his back.

Then Even’s eyes go to Isak. Isak braces himself, and focuses on friendly feelings, before they hug. However, the feeling of Even’s soft cheek against his, and of his warm arms around him, almost makes him cry. He should be used to being infatuated with his best friend by now. First Jonas, and now Even. However, he he is starting to realize how hard it can be, pining over someone in secret. Especially when that someone easily can pick up your feelings.

Even’s eyes are colourful and bright. Isak can see more of the vital orange, nervous yellow and also some sad tones of blue. It makes him curious, but he doesn't ask. Even seems like himself again. Friendly. Isak wishes that the colours in Even`s eyes could have revealed if he has moved on from the things that have happened between them, or not. Right now, it`s impossible to tell.

He wants to ask Even why he never called and why he hardly has answered any texts since they met in the summer, but he doesn't dare to. He's afraid he won't like the answer.

Seeing Even again that first day of school is intense. Isak goes through the whole school day with heightened pulse. After that, the boys hang together daily, and Isak focuses on staying in control. He still finds himself watching Even, staying close to him and dreaming about him, day after day.  Before, he was infatuated, but now he is positively obsessed. He catches himself remembering their earlier encounters more and more, and can't help being turned on by it. He can't help it, he wants that again. He wants more. Whenever they come too close, physically or emotionally, Isak is steeling himself. Even seems to have the ability to make him instantly rock hard, only by whispering something in his ear, or touching his arm. He seems to be able to make him an emotional wreck, too.

Somehow, Isak still manages to keep a friendly tone between them for months. He avoids talking about too personal stuff. When Even asks about his mom, he just says she is better. Eskild and Jonas are still the only ones who know that he doesn`t live at home anymore. It`s not like Isak doesn`t want to be open with Even, but he doesn't want to bother him. He wants to keep everything light and easy.

They hang out with both the boys from school and Even`s buddies from Bakka. Whenever Isak feels too overwhelmed by his attraction, he mutters some words or sighs in frustration to Eskild or Jonas. Eva also is there for him, just like he tried to be there for her and Jonas once. Isak is somehow surviving. The fact that he has this gang of supporters right now, means everything.

In the beginning of October, Isak, Even and some of the boys are at a party at Eva’s, smoking weed in the bathroom. That is, Even says that he should take it easy, because of his illness. And Mikael doesn't smoke. But Isak and the others are.

Isak sits in the tub next to Even. He can feel the heat from his body, and he struggles to control his feelings. He’s afraid that Even will be picking up on everything. He doesn't want that. So when the guys start to stress about who should guard the weed, he says he can take it. Anything to get a focus on something else.

Then some first year girls come into the room, and Jonas, Mikael and the others seem to think they can charm them. Suddenly they’re gone, and Isak finds himself alone in the tub. With Even. 

Even is close. Way too close. Isak swallows convulsively and tries to ignore the heat radiating off Even and the scent of him. Isak tries to shove away all the inappropriate images and thoughts that suddenly pops up in his head. He doesn't want Even to pick up on it. 

– So, he says, realizing that the two of them haven't spent a lot of time alone lately. – Here we are.

– Yeah.

Even leans back a little.  Still, way too close for Isak’s health.  –  I, uh, was kinda hoping we could chat a little. 

Even’s voice is low and husky, and Isak is having the damndest time following anything he’s saying.  – I mean, it’s been awhile since we talked, just you and me.

– Yeah, sure, Isak nods, as he focuses on staying friendly and just maintaining everything as it is. He talks to Even about big and small things that have happened, just sneaking small glances at Even, and he’s having a great time. It doesn't occur to him that getting drunk and high as a kite might not be conducive to his “just maintain” plan. Not until the talking begins to wane and the quiet, and the significant looks are getting longer and heavier.

Isak`s hazy mind doesn't quite get what`s going on. Even has a way of looking at him that just about turns Isak inside out. Even tilts his head and his eyes just rake slowly over him. It just isn’t fair. Now he is teasing Isak about some music he hasn't heard, but Isak doesn't hear a word. He just sees how Even smiles wide before he chews his lower lip and stares life back into Isak. 

Isak gazes back, helplessly caught in the moment. He wants Even so much it hurts. It`s more than that, too; he wants to spend time with him all the time. But he definitely wants him. Even has a strange, bright red light in his rainbow eyes. There isn’t a person alive more beautiful than Even is at that moment. Isak knows he is so fucked, everything is probably going to hell, but fuck it.

Isak is going in.

Isak doesn’t know what possesses him at the moment; maybe it's the weed, maybe it's the beer, maybe it a much braver version of himself responding to the lazy challenge in Even`s blue eyes. But before Isak can get a grip and remind himself of everything that can go wrong, he's moving, cradling Even’s face and pressing his lips against the sweet heat of Even’s.

For a second, there`s no response, just Even lying back in the tub allowing himself to be kissed, probably too shocked to move. Just when Isak`s about to regain his sanity, Even’s lips parts. Isak doesn’t hesitate, plunging his tongue against Even’s own and pressing his body even closer. Isak shivers when Even’s hand trails from his waist, up his back, stopping only to grip the back of his neck and pull him closer.

They groan together, the kiss getting deeper and more frantic as Isak pushes closer and closer, desperate to be on Even. He slips a warm hand up Even’s sweater, making him shiver and moan. Fired up by the response, Isak drags his hand lower, palming the hard bulge in Even’s jeans. Even jerks at the touch, then grabs a fistful of Isak`s shirt, dragging him even closer. Isak feels, even if just for the moment, that he can forget the future, and do as he pleases, so he goes for it. He breaks the kiss to suck and bite along Even’s throat while he unzips the dark jeans and frees Even from his constraints.

– Jesus, Isak murmurs appreciatively, stopping almost everything to stare glassy eyed at Even’s erection. He strokes it slowly, almost experimentally, and drags a moan out of Even and Even arches into his touch. Isak isn’t sure he`s going to make it out of this bathroom alive. – I wanna suck you off. Can I suck you off?

Even`s eyes pop open to stare at the very earnest Isak. He begins to sputter, – Did you just ask if you could… does it look l wouldn’t let you… Even stops. – Yes, Isak, yes.  

Isak sheepishly drags Even out of the tub and slides down to his knees before him. Before he gets too nervous, he pulls down Even`s pants and boxers and gets busy licking a long, slow stripe from base of Even’s cock to the leaking head. Even shudders right through it.

Isak has never done this before, but he still feels like he wants to try it all. – Fuck, that's good, Even gasps raggedly as Isak slowly swallows him, sinking his mouth down as far it could go. – I thought you said we should be just friendly, though, he moans.

– I`m being very friendly, Isak smirks, enjoying this far too much to have second thoughts. He begins gleefully and vigorously sucking and swallowing Even.

– Holy shit, Even moans, sounding completely gone. He grips Isak’s hair. First carefully, but when Isak doesn't protest, he tugs a little more. – Don’t stop, Isak, please don`t stop...

The tugging of his hair is strangely hot, and Isak moans. He maintains eye contact with Even while he licks the pre-cum slowly and deliberately off the head of Even’s cock before plunging down the hard shaft again, humming while he does so. Even arches and thrusts into Isak’s mouth, one hand gripping Isak’s shoulder while the other clings to the sink next to him for dear life.

– Fuck, Isak, I’m gonna come, Even warns.

Isak feels as if he has been close all goddamned night and quickly unzips his own jeans to roughly jerk himself off while pushing Even off the edge. Even gives one last warning, pulls out, and falls to his knees, before erupting in his own hand, groaning and gasping loudly into the quiet of the bathroom. Isak follows immediately after, feeling the orgasm surge through his body, spilling on the floor and riding it out while Even kisses him deeply.

Isak doesn`t want to let go, but they finally pull away from each other, settling on the floor. They are both spent and struggling to regain their breath and composure. Unfortunately, after they calm down, an awkwardness falls between them with a resounding thud. Neither of them moves for what seems like an eternity and neither of them dares to look at the other. Both just stare into space. 

_ What the hell just happened?  _ Isak realizes with growing mortification that he is sitting on the bathroom floor next to his friend, covered in cum.  He`s feeling raw and vulnerable with his heart thundering in his chest, at the same time as he`s high of his orgasm.  He should get up, to clean up and get dressed. Instead he waits and waits, for what he isn’t entirely sure. And Even… Even sits frozen like a statue and nothing happens. Isak`s exposed body parts are starting to get cold. He sighs. Is this it, then?

 

###  **Even: How far am I Willing to Go**

_ Stop sitting here like a lump and say something. Say something…anything!  _ Even’s personal pep talk is completely ineffective, of course. He sits frozen; completely terrified to talk to the same boy who just was blowing him two minutes earlier. Although, it isn’t as if Isak is chatting away either. There are feelings of fear and worry seeping from him (even if they don't touch anymore, that`s weird). Even just knows that he needs to say something; he needs to make sure that they are both on the same page and no one is getting the wrong impression. He needs this to keep happening, he needs this to escalate, he and Isak need to fuck sometime. Soon. Please. He can't just have this once and never again. 

As Isak sat next to him in the tub, talking, looking and brushing him from time to time, Even had felt fire skating through him. It had been the most amazing feeling and Isak hadn’t been balking, so Even had made sure to make the most of it, enjoying all the lingering, tingling touches. He had picked up some waves of feelings from Isak then, but they were so intense and unidentifiable, that he didn`t know how to understand them. He wondered if it was because the feelings tangled into his own desperate feelings for Isak. He was swarmed with feelings of attraction, though. A desperate  _ want, want, want _  that hit him hardest when Isak swept in and kissed him. 

When Isak wrapped his mouth around his cock and sucked him, Even had been completely gone. When Isak tugged at his hair, he fell apart. Even is still dizzy from the sensation.

Now Even needs to say something before Isak thinks he is just sitting here, avoiding eye contact and stewing in regret or some shit.

Before he gets his finger out, however, he hears Isak sigh and then watches him stand up to clean up and pull on his clothes. – I guess this was a little more friendly than we… uh… intended things to be, Isak says.

Even is about to get up, too, on wobbly feet, wiping off his hands and pulling his pants up. He stops in his tracks, and watches Isak. – Uh, yeah. You don't have to say you're sorry or anything, Isak, it's not like I tried to fight you off or anything. 

Well, that's an understatement.

Isak meets his gaze. – I guess not. I just… This doesn't have to destroy anything between us, though, right? Things can still be… like it was?

_ Oh no _ . No, no, no, no. Isak doesn't want anything more to happen between them.  _ Fuck _ . 

Even panics. – Right, he nods, taking deep breaths, trying to look calm. – It may be best that we go back to being friendly, I guess?

_ Fuck  no, it _ 's not fucking best, but Even knows he must say it like this. To give Isak a way out. 

In just that moment, someone outside shouts about the police, and Isak goes pale. Even frowns in confusion before he remembers the weed Isak guards for Mahdi, and suddenly his heart threatens to strangle him, it beats so fast. 

– Shit, I should hide the weed, Isak whispers, looking like he`s about to faint. – It's not like I can throw it away, either. 

– Fuck, Even mutters, and they both hurry down the stairs. 

They spot the uniformed men, and Even watches as Isak manages to sneak into the back of the living room, where he finds a jar he can hide the bag into. 

Isak comes back to Even, and signals to him that they can sneak outside. 

However, he police are checking out all the guests coming out of the house. – Come on, Isak says to Even and drags him to the back of the garden, where they can climb through the hedge. So they do, with Even going first.

Even runs away from the house, and doesn't notice that anything is off before he’s on the other side of the road. He turns around and sees that Isak still is by the hedge. He’s been stopped by a police officer.

Isak looks calm as a cucumber.

– Here! Jonas startles him as he hands him a bike. – Let’s get Isak over here. 

Even follows Jonas’ lead and they wave on Isak to come. Isak makes a run for it and climbs on Even’s bike. They wobble out of there, laughing and shouting.

The three of them end up outside of Isak`s building. Even holds the steering of the bike tightly, trying to keep his feelings in check. It still baffles him that he actually has made out with Isak, and the feelings from it all still lingers in him. He also senses Isak`s thrill, from when he held onto him on the bike, and it's almost like a buzz in his body.

– I just hope I don`t wake up Eskild, Isak laughs, as he climbs off the bike. – He gets so cranky.

– Who`s Eskild? Even asks.

Isak looks quickly at Jonas, before he meets Even`s gaze. He looks nervous. He  _ feels  _ nervous. Somehow, Even can still pick up some of his emotions, even if they don`t touch. – He's one of my flatmates. I… eh… moved away from home a while back. 

– Fuck, Isak, it's ages ago, Jonas says. He still looks a little tipsy. – I mean, you stayed in that basement far too long, Iss. Wasn't it back in April you moved in there?

Isak nods.

Even raises his eyebrows. – Really? 

Isak looks a little uneasy. – Yeah. Only Jonas knows. And Eskild. Eskild kind of saved me one night I was shitfaced, at a gay bar. I just didn't want everyone to know, that`s all. Not about my mom, and not about me. And I didn`t want you to worry. It was first when I couldn't stay in the basement anymore, that I told Jonas. 

– Yeah, man, you kept that to yourself for too long, Jonas says. – And then you crashed with us until Eskild had an extra room in Kollektivet.

Even nods, with his heart aching in his chest. Isak must have felt so alone with all this.  _ Why couldn't you tell me? _ he wants to ask. But deep down, he knows. Isak didn't want anyone to know he had been at a gay bar, at least not before he came out. And he didn`t want Even to worry. Because Isak`s mother has a mental illness, and Isak didn`t want Even to connect too many dots.

Isak looks at him with those green eyes of his, and it`s like he can see what Even thinks. And maybe that`s not so far from the truth; Isak has the ability to see the colours of his feelings, after all. 

– I didn't just leave Mom because she was mentally ill, Isak says, looking miserable. – I left because it became too much for me. She didn't want to go to any treatment, and she started to become… dangerous.

Even nods, reaches out and squeezes Isak`s shoulder. – You did the right thing, Isak, he says. And he means it. – It`s not your responsibility to save your mom.

_ It`s not your responsibility to save me, either. _

– That`s so true, Jonas agrees. – It's better that your dad does his part. Right?

Isak smiles a little, then. He looks relieved. – Okay, guys, I should go up then.

– Hugs, Jonas says, and surprises Even. Jonas doesn't strike him as a guy that asks for hugs that often. 

But when Isak gives Jonas a hug, Jonas winks to him over Isak`s shoulder. Even wonders what in the hell is going on inside of that curly head. All of that is forgotten, however, when Isak hugs him. Even shuts his eyes and savours it. Isak`s cheek is warm against his, and his arms and body feels like home. He feels warm, safe, and a whole lot of longing. Isak longs for something, but Even doesn't know what. He only knows that he has to struggle with himself to let go.  

He wishes that his ability to sense other`s feelings could tell him exactly what Isak feels for him. Even knows that Isak was attracted to him in the moment, but he doesn't know if Isak still is interested in more. He has sensed that Isak cares for him, but he doesn't know how much. He senses that Isak longs for something, but he doesn't know what. It's a mess. 

Isak say goodnight and goes up to the apartment, Jonas and Even part ways, and Even never gets to talk in private to Isak about what happened that night. Even has left a quick drawing in his back pocket, though. A drawing that he sketched into his notebook before he got into the tub with the guys. It`s a cartoon with Isak and Even alone, smoking together in the tub.  _ In another place and time _ . He doesn`t know if Isak gets it, but he is of course referring to the parallel universe Isak mentioned one time. He wants to show Isak that even if they maybe don't make everything work in this world, there is another world where they do. Where they can be together. These drawings have become a way to communicate, when he doesn`t find the words. 

Even knows he should have contacted Isak more often during the summer. It was just so difficult to find the right words. He doesn't have the words for what has happened to him, to be honest. He knows that he likes Isak too much, and too early. He is falling for Isak. Falling in love. And it is crazy love, stupid love, all consuming, burning alive, but still drowning love. It is contradictory, because it makes no sense, but is perfectly logical all at once.

Even loves everything about Isak; how he talks with his eyes and listens with his whole body. Even loves how safe he feels around him, how complete and content he is just having him close. He can’t breathe when Isak is around, can't breathe when he isn't. Even when Isak is being grumpy, Even can’t shake his stupid grin and the tightness in his chest or the butterflies in his stomach. He's in love, and it`s hopeless in every way.

The drawings are something he can give, when his words fail him.

Even likes the thought of Isak finding the note when he takes his clothes off for the night. It will most likely be lost in the laundry, though. But it's nice to imagine. It`s nice to hope that Isak watches the drawing, and somehow understands how much Even cares about him, and how much he wishes that they could be together, not only in a parallel universe. That`s far fetched, of course. But Even doesn't know how else he can hint about what he feels, without stepping over Isak`s boundaries.

The rest of the weekend is pure agony. After what happened in the bathroom, Even has been able to think about nothing but Isak. Even wants to phone Isak, or send him a text, but he doesn't know what to say. He ends up drawing sketches in his book instead.

The following Monday, the guys are all sitting in the school cafeteria, and Even is secretly eyeing Isak while he obsesses about what Isak can be thinking about what happened between them. Magnus talks about making out with some girl, but Even hardly registers a word. 

His head pops up when Magnus asks Isak if he ever had gone down on a boy, though. Isak’s cheeks go visibly redder, and it seems like he avoids looking at Even. Even feels pretty hot in his head, himself. Luckily Sana and a girl called Vilde come over, interrupting them, trying to persuade them to enter Kosegruppa. Even couldn't care less, but he ends up listening politely because of Sana. 

He is surprised when Isak suddenly addresses Sana, though. – I like what you wrote on my Insta, Isak says. – Thanks.

Sana looks unimpressed. – Well, you will have to prove to me if you`re worth my good words, Isak. 

_ Oh dear _ . Isak must have pissed her off somehow.

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows and looks like he’s about to ask what she means, when Eva turns up. 

Even watches and listens as Isak lies about some forgotten sweater and tries to invite himself to her place so that he can fetch the weed, and of course, as the girls move on, the result is that all the boys figure out everything about the missing weed. 

Even is amused. Why is Isak making everything so complicated?

Mahdi seems not so happy about it, so Isak is quick to assure him he can fix it. 

– Why didn't you just ask Eva? Even asks.

– Yeah, that sounds like the logical thing to do, Mikael nods. 

Isak shrugs, but meets Even’s gaze. – Well, she doesn't exactly love pot, you know, and uh, I hid it in her house. 

Oh Yeah, that’s true. Even nods with a smile on his lips. – I see how that could be tricky. You sure get yourself into some sticky situations, Isak. 

Isak glares at him, and Even grins.  _ Oh yes, I did… I really hinted at the last sticky situation we were in, baby. _

Isak looks like he’s about to say something, but then the school bell rings, and Even never gets to figure out what.  

The next days, he doesn't get to talk more to Isak on his own. They are maybe both too busy. That Wednesday, however, Isak plops down next to him in the cafeteria. He looks miserable. – Sana hates me, he mutters.

– Yeah? How come? Even asks, even if he saw Sana`s contempt with his own eyes.

Isak sighs, and looks absolutely adorable. – She saw me hiding the weed at Eva’s. She said there was one thing she didn't like, it was when someone fucks over their friends. 

_ Ah _ . That explains things.

– Ouch.

– Yeah. I felt like a… traitor, or something. And she basically went into  _ Narcos _ mode and blackmailed me to give her 10 % and that I must bring my buddies to the thing with Kosegruppa on Friday.

Even laughs. – Fuck, Sana is badass.

Isak groans. – Yeah, I know. But I even have to work with her for the rest of the term.

– Is that so bad? Even asks. – She’s clever, right?

– Yeah, she is. She still hates me, Even.

Even chuckles. – Nah, she’ll give you a chance, he says. – Just you wait and see.

Isak looks at him with doubt in his eyes. But Even is certain. Sana and Isak are two of his favourite people in the world, and he's sure they will end up liking each other. They will probably need a little help on their way, but it`s going to happen.

Isak looks at him with an almost begging look in his eyes. – Could you come to Kosegruppa with me? I will try to lure the other boys to come, too?

Even feels the warmth surging through him. Of course he can't say no to that. – Sure, Isak. I will come. 

So, that Friday, on a weekend night, Even turns up at Kosegruppa, and wonders how far he`s willing to go because of a crush. Of course, he knows that he's willing to go a lot farther than this for Isak. 

He greets Eva, Vilde and Sana, accepts a bun and lets his eyes search the room for Isak. 

_ There he is _ .

Isak is sitting on the steps, and he has hid his golden curls under his snapback. The sight of him makes Even fall silent and stare. Isak looks back at him with wide eyes, before he quickly looks away. Then he lifts his gaze again and gives Even a cocky smile. Even swallows, smiles back  and goes over to him. – Halla, Isak, he says and does what he can to calm down his pulse. 

– Halla, Isak smiles back. 

Even sits down next to him. – What happened to the rest of the guys?

– Seems like they ditched us, Isak sighs. 

Even isn`t exactly disappointed. Having Isak almost to himself is just what he wants. The problem is, his words fail him. 

Luckily, before Even can stress too much to figure out what to talk about, Vilde starts speaking in front of them all. She talks with enthusiasm about Kosegruppa and spreading love. Even sends Isak a curious gaze and sees that Isak looks at her with gloomy scepticism. This is probably not exactly Isak`s thing. Hell, it's not Even`s thing, either. He wouldn't mind pairing up with Isak making food, but love exercises? That`s a bit much, even for him. 

When Vilde tells them to get up and come join hands, Isak hesitates. – I really don't know if I'm up to this shit, he whispers to Even.

Even can`t help looking at him with a teasing look in his eyes. – No? I thought you were brave, Isak Valtersen. I mean, you can come out on Insta in a dress and makeup, but not participate in an innocent love exercise?

He shuts his mouth.  _ Shit _ . He didn't intend to mention that. Isak isn't supposed to know that Even has been stalking him on all social media there is since summer. And that photo had almost killed him, and in more than one ways. First of all, it told him that Isak was working on his issues, and that made him so proud that he almost exploded. Second of all, Isak was hot. It didn't hurt that Isak`s eyes were so vulnerable and open, and looked like they stared into Even`s soul. Even didn't know that he had a thing for Isak in makeup and dress, but apparently he has a thing for Isak, no matter the setting. 

Isak gapes, as they step down to the center of the room. His cheeks are suddenly pink. – You saw that photo? I didn't think you had an Insta account anymore?

Even smiles to cover up his nerves. – I don't, but Mikael sent me a screenshot. It was a cool photo. Who took it?

Isak still looks baffled. – Uh, Eskild, he says. 

Even nods and leans closer. He wonders if Isak can see the colour of his desire in his eyes. – You were really hot in that dress. And your eyes… damn. So vulnerable. Like a deer caught in the headlights. 

Isak looks perplexed by Even`s voice. But then the love exercise starts. Isak looks like he's far outside his comfort zone. Even feels like his heart is breaking with amused fondness. – Stay with me, Isak, he whispers. – We can do this together. It`ll be fun.

Isak doesn't seem so sure, but he ends up in the circle, holding Even`s hand, going through the whole thing. The exercise ends up being far less scary than any of them thought. Even picks up Isak`s nerves and uneasy feelings, but it`s not fear. He picks up some arousal, too, that he doesn't know where to place. 

Afterwards they all talk about how they will do the Kosegruppa activities during the term. Even sits next to Isak and feels rather good. The tension from before and during the exercise has faded a little. Isak and him are back to something… familiar. The teasing is almost like before, maybe just a little bit more… filled with sexual tension. Or at least, that's what Even thinks. In fact, that's what he picks up, too. He might be imagining things, since he is so attracted to Isak that he almost combusts as they sit next to each other. 

At one point Isak gives him a smile that makes his heart flutter, and suddenly Even realizes that he wants to fight for this. He knows that they haven't had a proper talk since they blew each other off, and that Isak had signaled that they should stay friendly. He just knows that he`s willing to go very far to find out if there`s a chance for Isak and him together. 

The rest of the Kosegruppa meeting goes far too quickly. In the end Sana tells them all to meet up in their duos and make food, and they will have pregames for the revue parties. The point is to meet up in their duos and spread as much love as they can, she says. Even decides to do just that.

  
  



	4. Autumn 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Autumn 2016. It`s parties and neon colours and and Halloween. Isak and Even try to be friendly. Then they try to be fuckbuddies. Then... maybe they try to be something more? Isak sees a new colour in Even’s eyes. Something happens to Even’s ability to sense Isak’s feelings. Things get a little bit intense. And soft. And fluffy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter! Finally! Damn that feels good! 
> 
> This was supposed to be a little thing I wrote for the Evakteket Challenge, but it grew like a beast to a four chaptered thing. It took forever to write, too (sorry about the waiting). Now, at least I can say that I am more or less happy with it. No, I am happy with it. 
> 
> The prompts for this thing was Friends to lovers AU, supernatural elements and drinking games. I had a drinking game in the first chapter and had planned another drinking game for this chapter, too, but that didn’t happen... sorry. We get an Even who’s drunk on emotions instead, lol.
> 
> Originally, I planned to follow the boys through the Winter 2016 and Spring 2017, but that didn’t happen. Isak and Even couldn’t wait. Anyway. I doubt that I will write more on this story, but there might come a small oneshot about them one time in the future. Who knows. 
> 
> Thank you @arindwell, @coolauntskam and my third beta reader for being such amazing betas! All those strange things you helped me fix in this chapter... I can’t get over it. Thank you!!!
> 
> Thank you everyone that has read this fic and given me feedback, too, you’re the best! 
> 
> I don’t think this chapter needs warnings. Except that there’s a lot of fucking and sweet lovemaking. Feelings. Stuff like that. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

##  **Isak: Spicy Feelings**

The night of the Kosegruppa meeting, Isak climbs into his bed feeling both excited and frustrated at the same time. The biggest reason for both his frustrations and his excitement is Even, naturally. In his dark, silent bedroom he can still hear the echo of his heartfelt laughter, and see the memory of his shining smile. Isak knows he probably shouldn't still be going around thinking about Even, but he is. Dreaming about his sweet lips and soft touch. About the laughs they’ve shared. And he doesn't know how to figure Even out. What does he want?

Isak buries his head in his pillow. He still can't believe what happened between them last weekend. He went down on Even in the bathroom. Put his dick in his mouth. And they agreed to stay friends. It’s maddening.

At first, after the blowjob, things were a little strange between them. They met each other, smiled and were friendly, but that was it. Even still left him drawings, though, whatever that meant. But it was pretty clear that they were just friends. And Isak was prepared to keep on wanting him in secret.

At the Kosegruppa gathering tonight, there was a shift, and things changed. There was a new vibe between Even and him. It was teasing, and laughing, and they were friendly, but there was also something else there. A tension, maybe. Isak sensed a new drive in the red in Even’s eyes, and he didn't quite know what it meant. Still doesn’t.

Isak shuts his eyes and recalls the evening. The two of them sitting together. Even’s eyes watching him. Even telling him that he had seen the photo of him in the dress. The love exercise. The two of them planning to do things together.

Isak falls asleep imagining Even’s smile.

The next afternoon, the chat with the boys fills up, Jonas and the others come up with  lame excuses for not coming to Kosegruppa. But Isak forgives them; after all, he had a really good time alone with Even. They agree to get some food, and then they end up like on many Saturdays before; partying.

Nothing special happens, though. They all just drink a little too much and talk shit. Isak has spent many nights like that with Jonas and the boys, but now that Even, Elias and Mikael tag along, it’s a little different. There's a nervous tension in his bones that he just can't ignore, and he steals glances at Even as often as he can. He's a mess. Of course it doesn't help that Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus know exactly what he’s struggling with. They keep sending him knowing looks and raised eyebrows, and it's maddening. And Even… Even still has this new drive, it’s almost like he flirts with Isak, and Isak doesn't know what to do.

Late in the evening the other boys seem to disappear and Isak and Even end up hanging over a kitchen table, drinking and talking.

Even’s eyes linger on Isak when he’s taking a sip from a beer bottle, and Isak hides his rising pulse as he raises a questioning eyebrow. – What?

Even smiles a slow smile as Isak puts his bottle down. – It’s just… I’m starting to realize that I’m missing out on stuff when I’m not on Insta. It’s not just that amazing photo of you in dress and makeup. Yesterday Jonas showed me a fun video Eva posted way back, where you went down on a bottle.

 _Oh no._ Isak groans, and feels the heat surge through his head. – Fuck, I forgot about that one.

– You were very determined, Even grins. – I can't believe your friends couldn't guess your preferences.

Isak laughs. – Oh, fuck off.

Even looks like Isak’s reaction is the best thing that has ever happened. The orange and yellow in his eyes shows that he has a lot of fun. He continues: – And then there were all the other pics and the rapping videos, of course. The illuminati references. You were so damn cute. But I think I saw most of them back when I was on Insta myself.

– You checked out my Insta back then? Isak asks, disbelieving.

Even looks at him like he’s asking a stupid question. – Of course I did. I wanted to get to know you. I had to try to get a glimpse of how your mind worked. Didn't you?

Isak remembers how he repeatedly used to go through all of Even’s social media, before he disappeared altogether, after his manic episode. He remembers how he watched Even’s favourite movie again and again to try to get a glimpse of his mind. – I guess so. I remember some very artificial photos, weird selfies and obscure movie quotes on your insta account.

Nobody needs to know that it's easy to remember, since screenshots of most of them are saved on Isak`s mac.

Even laughs. – Sounds like me.

He is leant over the table and now he rests his head in his hand, looking up at Isak through his eyelashes. His eyes are slowly filling up with pinks and reds. A loose string of hair has fallen into his forehead. He's like a piece of art.

Isak wants to kiss him. He wants to do everything. He's too scared, to afraid to lose everything they have. Instead he takes a deep breath, smiles, cracks another joke and clings to his bottle like it's a lifesaver. Feeling trapped in this unresolved moment at the same time as he wishes the moment to last forever.

That night when he goes home, he feels like his feelings are buzzing all over.

On Sunday Isak stays in chilling with Eskild and Linn, and is fine with it. After all, his nerves need chilling, too. Being nervous, and more or less horny around Even all the time, is almost tiring. In fact, it _is_ tiring. Isak feels like he's about to both boil over and fall over at the same time, because of all the feelings. Maybe a breather away from Even is a good thing.

However, when he sits with Eskild on his bed, chilling and surfing on his phone, he still looks up Even on his phone. There's still no sign of him on social media, of course. Isak`s just glad that he once saved some of the images. Isak just wants to see his face. All the time. Is that too much to ask for?

– Aw, are you pining over Even? Eskild asks, with a knowing look on his face.

– Pining, what the fuck? I'm not pining.

Isak pauses. – I'm just so fucking gone for him, that’s all.

– I know, Eskild grins. – It’ll be okay, Isak. By the way, do you think this guy is handsome?

He shows Isak an image from Grindr on his phone, and Isak smiles. _Cute_ , but not as fucking gorgeous as Even. Eskild seems interested, though. The pink in his eyes is _glowing_ , and there are strings of red.

– Not bad, Isak admits, – he's definitely handsome. Are you two going out?

– I think so, Eskild smiles, and gives Isak a long look. –  You've come a long way, baby Isak, you know that?

Isak just shrugs, but Eskild`s words feel good. He hopes that Eskild’s right. At least it feels like he’s more in his own skin now than he was a year ago. He knows who he is and what he wants. The only problem is, that he wants too much. Isak still feels like his feelings are overwhelming him. Everything’s about Even, Even, Even. He feels like he’s walking around being tired, excited, nervous, hopeful and frustrated all at once, and he can't cope.

Luckily, the new week starts well when he finally gets the weed back from Sana. Of course, she tries to be a little difficult at first. – I didn't see your friends at the meeting? she says, giving him a challenging stare.

Isak sighs, feeling tired by the whole thing. – I can't force them to come, can I?!

Sana looks like she`s about to push him further, but then she must see something in his face, because she just smiles a little. – Where do you want it?

He's so relieved he could kiss her. Maybe he finally can let this whole mess go. They work together to put the weed in his backpack, when the Biology teacher calls to them.

– Sana and Isak! What are you guys doing?

Fuck. Getting caught with weed in school isn't exactly ideal. Isak freezes, feeling his heart in this throat, as Sana quickly hides it in her hijab.

– What was it you put in your burqa just now? the teacher asks then.

– My burqa? Sana asks with a frown. Isak is sure that she's offended, but he also suspects that she`s trying to deflect the teacher.

– Niqab, then, the teacher sighs.

Isak scoffs. The ignorance of the teacher really annoys him, so when he answers, deflecting her is only partly the reason. – Niqab? You can't name the garment 10% of your students wear? Are you a racist?

The teacher deflates, and lets them be. They are out of the squeeze. Isak is relieved, but he notices that Sana still looks troubled. Isak watches her for a second, and realizes that she must be in situations like this far too often.

– She's an idiot, you know, he whispers.

Sana shrugs, as she focuses on her books. – I know.

Isak shifts in his seat. He wants to see her smile again. He puts a teasing look on his face. – So, do I get a point for defending your honour? Being your knight in shining armour? Am I forgiven?

– Shut up, idiot, I can defend myself, she says, focusing on her books. But she smiles a little, and Isak takes it as a small victory. He kind of hopes that the fact that he and Sana now have a common enemy in the teacher also can make things smoother between them. At least Sana tolerates him now. That’s progress.

During class he manages to work somewhat concentrated, but his mind spins trying to find ways to spend more time with Even. Just before class ends, it suddenly strikes him that Sana knows Even. – Sana? he says, biting the inside of his chin. – You've known Even for ages, right?

– Yeah, he's been hanging with my brother for years, she says, as she puts her books away. – Why?

Isak blushes, not knowing what he wants. – No, I just thought about Even, Elias, Mikael and the others and wondered if you have spent a lot of time with them?

A warm colour flicker in the purple of Sana`s eyes, but she shakes her head. – My brother and those guys are… just so immature most of the time, so no.

Isak laughs. He can imagine that Sana finds the boys` games immature. He's still curious about that warm colour in her eyes, though.

Sana must notice something in his eyes, because she sticks her chin out in a defencive way. – What do you want to know?

Isak shrugs. – I just thought that it would be interesting to have a party or something with all the guys and all the girls, you know. Build bridges or some shit like that.

Sana cocks her head. – You spend time with Even and the guys all the time.

Isak nods, as he packs his backpack. – Yeah, sure. It was just a thought.

He's still pretty sure he has planted an idea, though. Nothing may come of it, but it's worth a try.

The new vibe between Even and him lasts for days. They tease each other and give each other long looks and Isak doesn’t know what to make of it. Every time Isak spots Even in the schoolyard, he catches himself staring longingly at him, too. It's embarrassing, really. Isak even talks to Vilde about Kosegruppa, just to know when he will have a new chance to meet Even again without the other boys. It's pretty pathetic.

On Friday a first year girl, Emma, invites the boys to her party the same evening. When she and some girls come over, Isak recognizes her from Eva`s party, and nudges Jonas. – So, you didn't manage to scare the first years away? he whispers, with badly hidden laughter in his voice.

Jonas shrugs, looking embarrassed. – Oh, you`re mistaken, Isak. Apparently they're inviting us because of you. When Emma heard you were gay, she thought you were _so cool_.

He raises an eyebrow tellingly.

Isak frowns. – Gross.

Even, who stands next to them, overhears their whispered discussion. He puts his arm around Isak’s shoulder, and Isak does what he can to steel himself. _Calm_ . _Friendly feelings._

– We don't have to go, Even says in a hushed voice.

Isak can't help watching Even for a moment, letting his eyes track his face and body. He can't believe that he actually has had Even’s dick in his mouth. _Fuck_. That was not the right thing to think about right now.

Emma must have heard Even, because she stares him in the eye. – Oh, but you must come! Especially you, Isak!

– Okay, why? Isak asks, curious if she'll dare to admit her questionable reason to invite him.

– Well, we heard that you're gay, and we love gays! They're so much fun! So sweet and funny!

 _Oh my god._ She actually went there. Isak cringes.

– You don't think that's a bit of a superficial generalization? Even asks.

His voice is warm next to Isak`s ears, but there’s a tightness around his mouth. Isak can't tear his eyes from him. There's something darkly red in his eyes, and some hints of muddy green, too.

Emma looks confused, though. – How so?

– By saying gay people are funny? That's like saying that all muslims are terrorists.

The guys nod in agreement. Before Emma can start to argue against it, Even pulls Isak and the boys with him. – Sorry, we have to go. We'll see if we can be there, Emma, he says. – See you later.

Isak is baffled as Even leads them away.

– I just had to rescue you from that party, Even says, partly whispering into Isak`s ear. Then he raises his voice, so the others can hear. – Can`t we have a small gathering at my place instead? We can invite the girls, too? I talked to Sana, and she seemed really into it.

Isak smiles. Talking to Sana had been just the right thing to do.

– Sounds perfect, Magnus says, walking next to them. The other boys look positive about the idea, too.

– You guys can always go to that party later, if you want to, Even suggests.

Isak nods, even if he isn't tempted to go to that party at all. To stay at Even`s house sounds a lot more interesting.

As they head home from school that afternoon Jonas and the boys kindly bully Isak into buying them some beer, but Even steps in and says he can do it. – I could do with an extra pair of hands to carry the beer, though, he says, looking at Isak. Isak takes the bait, even if he's not sure if it is a bait at all. He just wants to spend more time with Even.

– I can help you, he says, avoiding Jonas’ knowing look, and is rewarded with Even’s smile beaming at him.

That`s how Isak and Even end up taking the same tram. They buy the beer and carry it home. From time to time they bump into each other, and Isak notices that there`s a change in the colours in Even`s eyes. He sees more calming green, some bright pinks and warm colours, but there are also strings of gold mixed with all the other colours. Huh. Isak thinks of gold as a colour of inner knowledge. Bliss, maybe. Where does that come from? He doesn`t ask. He`s picking up on something private, after all. It’s not his business. It still makes him curious, though.

Even seems to pretend that nothing has changed. He seems relaxed, blissful and almost a little dazed, and he keeps the conversation light. Isak has a feeling they should talk about stuff, like what happened in Eva`s bathroom, or the fact that they both have these strange abilities. Still, he wants to keep things as they are. The atmosphere is easy between them, and Even seems happy with it. If Isak can continue to stay in touch with Even like this, he will happily stay clear of the difficult subjects.

He follows Even into his house and into the sunlit kitchen and helps him put the beer into the fridge.

Even looks at him, and smiles.  – You hungry? he asks. – I could make some grilled cheese toasties?

His eyes are so blue and bright in the sunlight, at the same time as all the colours of the rainbow sparkle in them. The gold is gone from his eyes right now, but Isak can still see both the calm green and the other warm colours. His dark blonde hair looks so soft, and Isak wants to tangle his fingers into it.

Isak snaps out of his daze. – Sure, thanks, that would be nice, he nods.

So he stays to eat some ridiculously spicy grilled cheese toasties, drink a beer or two, and talk about everything and nothing for a while. Isak soaks up every look and every smile ad laugh from Even and he loves it. Deep down he also feels a small seed of hope. Can Even`s look mean something?

Then Even finds a joint. – I forgot I had this, he says, raising his eyebrows at Isak.

Isak tilts his head and gives Even narrow eyes. – I thought you shouldn't smoke shit like this? he asks.

Even shrugs and smiles. – To have a joint once in awhile won't hurt. I save it for special occasions.

Isak can't help feeling charmed. – So this is a special occasion? he asks.

Even grins. – Definitely.

They sit down in the window sill and smoke the weed, while they listen to Nas, and talk and laugh. The weed makes Isak dizzy and happy, and he can't take his eyes off Even or his bright rainbow eyes. Even`s eyes have a lot of calm green from the weed, and it almost makes Isak chuckle, because, of course, how fitting. And everything is chill.

When Even`s leg brushes his, Isak can see stripes of gold in his eyes again, some bright pinks and even more green. _Care. Pleasure. Bliss. Calm_. Even leans his head back and looks more relaxed than Isak has ever seen him before. Isak can't take his eyes away, and he can`t stop chatting and laughing. Before he knows it, the first guests come for the pregame.

– Fuck, I forgot to go back home before the pregame, Isak laughs, as he lets his hand go through his hair.

– No worries, Even grins, looking very pleased. He almost looks drunk when he looks at Isak. – We have enough beer, and you look good.

So Isak stays, and he stays close to Even all evening. Not too close, because he doesn't want to seem too obvious, or clingy. He probably is obvious anyway. He just wants to stay close to this wonderful person who shines in all the colours and who makes his heart sing.

The party is about music, and fun and a good vibe. Even has invited both the boys from Bakka and the boys from Nissen, as well as the girls from Nissen. The Bakka boys have invited some girls from Bakka, too. It's a good gang, and they all have a great time. Isak knows he shouldn't be surprised. Even seems to have this ability to make everyone feel at ease, so of course a party at his house has a good vibe.

When Even drags Isak to the kitchen and tells him that he has decided to make Isak another round of spicy cheese toasties, Isak is charmed and infatuated, and when they joke around making the food, he almost falls over laughing. And when they talk and laugh, Even touches his arm or shoulder, his eyes have golden strings and pinks and reds. Even has this drunk look on his face again, and he looks and looks and Isak feels like he is in a daze that he never wants to wake up from.

They still manage to keep the talk going.  

– You don`t seem drained today, Isak says, as they are sitting on the counter, eating the toasties.

Even looks at him. – Huh?

– You once said that you can get tired of crowds. I think you said it before I knew what you were referring to, though. But it`s all the feelings, right?

Even smiles then. – You always pay attention, Isak. But yeah. I can get tired of crowds. Today I just feel good, though. We have good people here. You are here.

Even puts his hand on Isak`s, and Isak can see the golden strings seep into the colours of Even`s eyes again. Even sucks in a slow breath and releases it. – It makes me feel good.

Isak can't hide his smile. He doesn't quite get what`s up with Even, but he gets the fact that Isak makes him feel good. That`s not bad. It`s not bad at all.   

During the evening Isak drinks a little, but not too much, and after he and Even have tidied up the mess in the kitchen he hangs with everyone in the living room, letting the buzz from the talk, the laughter and music wash over him. He watches all of them and the happy colours in their eyes, and it`s good. He`s in a good mood, a very good mood, and he decides to sneak back home early, before he makes a fool of himself and invites himself into Even`s bed. If he doesn't go home, he knows he will.

The whole evening, with all the touches and swirling feelings, has felt like a never ending foreplay, and it would be so easy to do something rash and impulsive, and dive into Even`s arms. However, Isak knows he needs to at least fake an ounce of control and self preservation. If he had joined Even tonight, it wouldn't have been two friends making out. It would have been Isak laying out his heart on a plate. He can't afford that.

He walks home, and feels both a little proud of himself and very, very regretful at the same time. He tells himself that it`s for the best.

Before his head hits his pillow, a text ticks in:

_Where did you go? I thought you'd stay longer._

Isak smiles, as warmth surges through him. _I`m at home, Even. I just left while I still was in a good mood and hadn't done anything stupid._

_Oh, but I would have looked after you, baby._

_Baby._ Isak swallows. _I`m sure you would_ , he types.

 _Oh well, I`ll just do stupid things on my own, then_ , Even replies, giving Isak all sorts of ideas. _Sleep well._

It takes a little while before Isak falls asleep that night.

That weekend, Vilde asks him to host a pregame for a neon light revue party, and on Monday she asks for confirmation. Isak knows that Eskild will welcome a party like that with open arms, and Linn will give in under pressure, so he says yes. He almost surprises himself. He has been so used to shying away from things like this, and now he says yes to it all. He kind of likes the new Isak he’s becoming.

At lunch, when he goes over to the boys, he sees something different with Even. He’s wearing a snapback. It`s Isak`s snapback, that really is Jonas` snapback, but who cares about the details. Isak stares at him. How is it possible that something as innocent as that can make his heart beat faster?

– Hi, Even smiles, when he comes closer, and throws him the snapback. – You forgot this on Friday.

– Thanks, Isak smiles, and ignores Jonas, who`s trying to tell him with his raised eyebrows that it`s _his_. Jonas won`t get it back anyway. At least not now that Even has had it on his head. Isak knows he`s an idiot, but he doesn't care. While the boys chat around him, he tries to sniff to see if he can scent a trace of Even, and when he doesn't he puts it on.

Even moves closer, so their chairs are next to each other. – Did you enjoy the party? he asks, and the strongest colour in his rainbow eyes is pink again.

– Yeah, it was good, Isak smiles. – You know how to throw a good party.

– I don't know about that, but it was really good, Even nods. Something yellow flickers in his eyes.– I hope I didn`t seem too strange. I think I was a little lost because of the weed. And I felt really… good.

Isak shakes his head. – You seemed to have a good time, he smiles.

– Yeah, I just don't want you to worry that I am slipping, or anything like that.

Isak smiles. He speaks quietly, so none of the others can hear: – I don`t. I can see that, remember? In your eyes?

Even smiles back then, the pinks, oranges and yellows in his eyes are bright and his whole face lights up.

Isak wishes he could make Even smile like that all the time.

That Wednesday Isak and the guys end up watching the dance chicks training for the revue. That is, the other boys are drooling more than looking, really. At least Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi are. When Isak rolls his eyes at them, he catches Even`s gaze. Even is looking at him, and he has an amused fondness in his eyes that startles Isak.

– What? he says, wondering if he has some food on his chin from lunch or something.

Even shrugs and smiles. Then he nods to the boys and raises his eyebrows to Isak, as if he's saying “dorks”.

Isak can't help smiling. He's kind of relieved that Even isn’t sitting there, ogling the girls like the others, even though Isak knows he should accept that Even likes whoever he likes. It's not like Isak and Even are boyfriends, after all. Isak still allows himself to be pleased when Even leans closer so their arms brush each other. Even`s eyes seems glazed for a moment, but then he smiles. – Everything ready for the party on Friday?

– Yeah, Isak says and laughs. – Vilde runs everything with full control.

Even`s smile is still just as wide. – It`s going to be cool, he says, and looks relaxed and happy. Isak feels a sudden urge to kiss him. He can't do that, though. Not now.

Isak tears his eyes away from Even and watches the girls and their dance teacher absent mindedly. Suddenly he realizes that the dance teacher doesn't bother him at all anymore. Right now, the thought that he ever did seems both foreign and shameful.

Hopefully, that means that he's come a long way.

He suddenly remembers Vilde`s invitation. – So, guys, are you coming to the pregame with Kosegruppa? he asks. – The neon party?

He looks around at the others. It`s not like he is passionate about that party, but he would like to see them all there. Especially Even, of course.

– I’ll be there, Even says, and is followed by Mahdi and Magnus. Jonas hesitates for a moment and talks about asking Mikael and the Bakka boys, but in the end they all say yes.

Then Magnus suddenly remembers a kinky dream about Vilde, they all laugh and Isak can steal another glance at Even.

Even smiles back at him. There’s a fondness in his eyes, reflected by strong oranges and pinks, that makes Isak jittery. Even has a lot of warm feelings. But what does he want? That seems to be the question he never gets an answer to.

##  **Isak: Neon Colours**

The neon pregame turns out to be a lot more fun than Isak ever thought it would be. The flat looks cool in the neon colours, and everyone’s in a good mood, dancing, chatting and laughing. Isak spends a lot of time talking with his friends, but after a while he finds himself staring at Even from a distance and smiling a little (he can't help it). He watches Even laugh, hears the laughter over the noise and feels a tingling feeling down his spine. Isak watches Even, in his tight white t-shirt and neon yellow bandana. He’s so damn hot. Isak wants to kiss him, all the time. When Even catches him staring it almost looks like he wants to kiss, too. At least he looks like he wants _something_. And Isak doesn't know what to do.

They're supposed to be just friends, right?

Even comes over. – What’s up? he says, looking into Isak's eyes.

– Nothing, I guess, Isak says, and tries to focus on nothing when Even touches his arm. – I'm just having a good time.

– Good. I am too, Even smiles and looks at him. As he touches Isak, he almost looks dazed for a moment. – You look hot tonight. Love the pink stripes on your cheeks.

Isak coughs. _Say what?_

– Uhm, thanks, I guess?

Even just smiles and keeps staring at him. He looks like he's drinking him in. There are golden stripes in his eyes again, and the orange and pink in his eyes slowly turn bright red. Then his eyes settle on Isak`s lips.

 _Oh_ , Isak is pretty sure that he knows what that means. Even  wants… something. He wants to kiss him, maybe even more. And _oh, god_ , Isak wants it too. Even leans closer, and Isak isn't breathing at all anymore.

Just then Eva shouts out that they should all leave for the revue party, and someone puts on the lights. Isak blinks his eyes, shakes himself out of the daze, and starts tidying up some of the beer cans and cups. He needs to do something, to keep his hands from shaking. Even stays next to him, and helps him out.

While all the guests are getting ready to go, Isak decides to stay at home. He can't survive more hours wanting Even and guessing and hoping. He needs to withdraw a little. Get some air.

The only thing is, when the final guest has left, Even is still there. – I`ll help you tidy up, he says, and there`s a determination in his eyes that prevents Isak from arguing. They tidy up everything while Even jokes about this and that, mostly dicks, and Isak silently tries to figure out what's going on.

There's definitely something about Even lately. He`s changed. It`s like he comes on stronger than before. He always looks at Isak, touches him lightly and initiates talks, and it's not like he didn't before, but this time it`s more intense. Isak doesn't quite understand it. And then there are the changes in his eyes, too. The gold.  Isak`s head spins with all his questions. He also thinks about all the things he and Even haven't talked about.

After a while, when the flat is almost spotless and clean, Isak decides to go for all the unspoken shit that simmers between them. –  So, he says, as he leans against the kitchen counter, – we probably should talk about some stuff?

– Yeah? Even answers, leaning on the counter next to him.

Isak bites his lip and raises an eyebrow at Even. – Yeah. Like about what happened at Eva`s. Or about those strange abilities we both have, and how we dance around each other trying not to talk about any of it.

Even nods. – So, what do you want to say about it, then? he asks.

– Uhm.

Yeah. That was worse. Isak hadn't really thought about that. – Well. I don't know, really. But… uh, I guess I wonder if you have figured out more about how you sense these feelings and stuff.

Even shrugs. – No, it's mostly how it has always been. I sense feelings in the moment, when I touch someone.

– So when we made out…

– I could sense that you wanted to, yeah. It was pretty overwhelming. So much that I kind of struggled to differentiate what you felt and I felt in that moment, actually.

– Oh. Wow.

– Yeah.

Even`s swallow is audible. – It seems like my senses are getting a little stronger, too, he says, but he doesn`t say more.

– How?

Even shrugs, looking away. – It`s difficult to explain.

He looks quickly at Isak. – How about you, then? Have you figured out more?

Isak releases a sad huff of air. – Well, you know I discovered that I could help my mom, but only for a moment. Apart from that I have started to register all the colours and what I think is the meaning of them. Like, what personality they show, and what they say about health and emotions.

– Wow.

Even smiles a little, and reaches out to let his finger follow the painted pink stripe on Isak`s cheek. The light touch startles Isak, and he blushes. Even blinks a little, and Isak sees more golden strings in his eyes. – So what does pink mean, then? Even asks.

Isak snaps out of his daze. – Uhm. Bright pink is feelings like care, love, tenderness, affection. Darker pink can also be immaturity. Eskild`s main colour is pink, and that's because he's so caring.

Isak points to Even`s yellow bandana. – Yellow is about life energy, inspiration, intelligence, optimism, but it can also be fear. And a sickly yellow tells me there can be mental illness.

Even stares at him. – You could see it that clearly in my eyes?

Isak shrugs. – Sort of. I kind of recognized it, from Mom, you know.

– Yeah, sure.

Isak sighs, he doesn't want Even to feel sad. – All the colours can have several meanings, so it makes it difficult to interpret sometimes.

Even looks at him. – What can you see in my eyes right now?

Isak leans closer and stares back. – Uhm, I can see all the colours, but the strongest colours are orange, pink and red. Some yellow, too. It tells me that… you have a lot of energy, I guess? Passion? Because you don`t seem angry. And you have a lot of care and affection about something. The yellow can be nerves, but also joy or curiosity. But I don't know the specifics.

– Right, Even nods, and his cheeks are pink.

Isak leans back. – Actually, I wonder if I could figure out a way to see the colours in other people's eyes, too. You know, people I don't know. So that I can use this ability for something useful, working as a doctor or something like that.

Even looks at him with a fond expression on his face (and so much pink in his eyes). – I am sure you could, he says.

Isak nods, hoping he is right. – I always wonder what colours my own eyes are, he laughs. – I think they might be blue.

– Gold, Even says. – They're gold.

– Huh?

Even looks like he almost regrets what he just said. – That's how it feels anyway. That`s how you feel.

Isak shakes his head in wonder. – I have seen strings of gold sometimes, he says. He doesn't say that he`s seen a lot of it lately, in Even`s eyes. – I`ve learned that it's the colour of some sort of  wisdom or inner knowledge. Sometimes bliss. But I`m fucking clueless, Even.

– No, you aren`t.

Even looks like he knows what he's talking about. Isak doesn't know shit right now. That should prove his point, really. But he kind of likes to think that his colour is special. He has never seen eyes shimmering in only gold.

Isak sighs. – So when you touch, do you feel it like in colour, then?

– Nah, yeah, maybe? It`s a feeling, or a sensation, and people feel different too? Almost like they taste different? Or have a different texture or feel to them, I don't know

– Cool, Isak says. – So, when you touched my arm earlier. Could you catch my feelings? And… taste them, too?

Even smiles a little, and shrugs. – Yeah, sort of. It`s very similar to how you explained it with the colours. I can pick up that you worry about something, and are passionate about something, but not always about what. I could feel that you were glad that I came over, though, because that was the first feeling. The strongest one.

Isak nods, and feels like his head is about to explode. Fuck, Even is spot on, and Isak is embarrassed. Why in the world did he want to talk about all of this? Well, there`s no point turning around now. It`s probably time to talk about something he has postponed long enough.

– Uhm, we should talk about one more thing, he says. – We… uh... made out.

Even looks a little hot in his head, and he looks down, so his eyelids cover his eyes. – Yes we did.

Isak fidgets a little, looking from his hands to Even and back. – You, um, liked that?

– Sure… Even nods, looking like he's waiting for Isak to say something more. He rocks on the balls of his feet.

– Your eyes looked like you did, but I can't know for sure. So are we still just friends, or what? Isak asks.

Even meets his asking eyes. – I think so? I feel like we are friends.

– Me too, Isak says. He wants them to be more than friends, though. He wants to be intimate with Even again. He wants more. Fuck, he wants whatever he can get.

– But, he says. – We can still make out and maybe even fuck as friends, can`t we?

Even stares at him.

Isak blushes. – I just… I don`t want to end this. I think. Not if you think it`s okay, I mean.

Even`s eyes are wide. – You want to keep…

– Yes. Yes I do.

Even grins.

Isak feels like his head is boiling. – How about you?

Even stares at him with an incredulous look on his face. – What do you think?

There is a great amount of pinks and reds shining in his eyes. His gaze is actually hot enough to get Isak to blink first. Isak chuckles, looking away to try and fight back his blush before taking on Even again. Why the fuck is this so hard?

– Fine then – you tell me when you want to meet up to make out and… stuff, I’ll tell you when I want to meet up, and if we’re both in the mood then…

Isak shrugs and lets the meaning hang.

Even nods. – If that's how you want it, it`s good by me.

Isak releases a breath. – Should we have some rules? he asks. He doesn't want rules. He wants it all, with Even. But he can't admit to that. He’s too afraid that he’ll scare Even away.

– Rules? I don't know. What should they be?

Isak hesitates for a moment. Then he goes for it. – We keep this to ourselves, or it`s too difficult to explain to others.

– Sure. Can we still meet up randomly, for coffee or a movie and things like that?

– I guess, but only as friends, then, I suppose? No kissing or hooking up?

Isak is struggling. He's not really motivated for this half assed kind of relationship. He wants Even, period. He is just willing to settle for a fuck-buddy-situation because that seems to be the only option at the moment.

– Good then. So when we meet up randomly, we're friends and we should plan when we're hooking up. Any more rules?

Isak thinks for a moment. He knows he should protect his heart, he knows this is risky business. Still, the last thing he wants is a bunch of rules stripping away any hopes of bonding and intimacy. – No, I`m good. Do you have any rules?

Even shakes his head. – I don`t think so. So, it's a deal, then?

– Yeah, it's a deal.

Even smiles, but the smile looks a little stiff. Isak smiles a stiff smile back at him. Fuck. He has gone about this all wrong and now he finds himself locked in as a sex buddy. He is going to have to find his way out of it somehow, but for now, he is simply stuck. He stares at Even, feeling the heat of his frustration turning into another type of heat.

Even lickes his lips then, softens his gaze a bit and raises an eyebrow in silent question. When his hand lands on Isak’s shoulder, Isak can see the golden strings grow in his eyes again. Even takes a deep breath, and looks dazed. He leans forward, and for a moment Isak is certain that Even is going to kiss him. He can imagine feeling Even`s soft lips against his again, pulling his body close and never letting go.

Then of course the front door slams and someone turns up. Isak almost shouts out in desperation. He needs that kiss! But of course not. They go out in the hallway, and of course, _Noora is back_. What is she doing here, back from London? She probably wants her room back, too. Isak groans. Great. Just what he needs.

Even doesn`t stay. Isak follows him to the door, and almost wants to cry in frustration. But Even smiles to him, tilts his head and says. – So, we`ll stay friends, he says, – and we`ll keep on… doing what we're doing. And we'll talk some more one day. It’s alright. Promise.

– Okay, Isak smiles. And when Even hugs him goodbye for the night, he manages to keep his feelings in check.

That weekend Isak tries to figure out if he’s pleased to have had the talk with Even, or if he’s just frustrated from wanting Even. The fact that he ends up tidying his room and cleaning the living room, tells him that the latter is most fitting.

Friendly isn't really what Isak wants. He wants more.

He meets Even by the lockers on Monday. Even smiles a little, asking if he's planning to go to the Halloween party. He nods to the posters hanging on all the lockers.

Isak shrugs his shoulder. – No, or maybe, I don't know, will you? And fuck, he`s as eloquent as a grilled cheese toastie.

Even smiles then. – Do you wanna just hang instead? We could stay at my place if you like? Or yours?

– Uh, yeah! Isak nods.

Inside his head is screaming _yes yes yes_. Then he realizes he should check out one thing. – Wait, is this us just hanging or planning to… you know? Uhm, hook up?

Even raises his eyebrows. – What do you think?

Isak nods. He wants to say that Friday is a little bit longer to wait than he had hoped for, but he keeps his mouth shut. – Cool, he just says.

And then Even moves on, and that`s lucky, because Jonas is there, looking at him with questions in his eyes. Isak just shrugs and jokes it all away, and they walk to their class  planning Magnus` birthday on their way.

That week Isak is jumpy and jittery with anticipation, and even his new Biology partner Sana realizes that something`s up.

– What's with you, Isak? she asks, and just smiles when Isak is flustered and strange.

He sighs, and tries to pull himself together. – I guess I just have a lot of stuff to think about, he says. Then he taps the desk with his fingers, thinking for a moment. Sana has been great lately, and not only as a Biology partner. She always seems so level headed, and he likes it. – Sana? Do you know, that when you told me that hate comes from fear, and not religion, it helped me to come out to my Mom?

Sana stares at him. The purple colours in her eyes have green strings of calm joy. – Seriously?

Isak smiles, suddenly feeling hot in his cheeks. – Yeah. My mom's very religious, you see. And I was so scared to tell her. So thank you.

She squirms a little, but looks pleased.

He pauses. – Can I tell you something else?

She tilts her head and looks at him. – That you're in love?

Isak stares at her. – How do you know?

Sana just smiles. – Sometimes I wonder if you know yourself at all, Isak.

– What do you mean? And how do you know?

– I have my ways. And seriously, right now I think the only guy who doesn't see it, is the guy you're in love with.

Isak realizes that his mouth is hanging open, so he shuts it. – You know that I am crushing on Even? he whispers.

Sana chuckles. – Well, I suspected it, but now I know!

Isak groans. – I just don't know what he thinks about it all, he admits.

– Have you considered asking him? Sana says then.

And of course, that`s when the teacher tells them all to finish their work, so that Isak doesn't get to answer. _Asking him_ , Isak thinks to himself. _Yeah, like it's that simple._

Friday takes forever to come, but somehow Isak manages to survive the wait. He is a wreck, an excited wreck, but a wreck nonetheless. There is no way he is going to be able to focus on anything until the evening comes and he and Even can finally meet up.

Time crawls toward seven, when they are supposed to meet. Isak has managed to persuade Eskild, Linn and Noora to leave the flat for a while, and has spent the evening tidying stuff that didn't need tidying. He takes a beer and tries at least to pretend that he is calm and relaxed, and not in reality a nervous wreck over a friend who`s about to come over. Well, it's not like he has an audience, but he still feels like he needs to stay calm. _Fake it till you make it._

When the doorbell buzzes, his heart beats like crazy. So much for staying calm. He lets Even into the building, and waits for the knock at the door. It feels like forever before he hears it.

He opens the door, and slams soul first into a pair of bright blue eyes, sparkling in rainbow colours. Some red and some pink. A little more yellow. He's nervous, too. Good. That`s good, right?

– Hi, he says, striving for a cool nonchalance he doesn't feel. Even, on the other hand, is the epitome of chill, worse with his quiff and jean jacket on. He looks so good, and Isak can`t stop himself from drinking him in.

– Hi, Even says.

Isak wants to hug him, but he doesn't dare to. He just looks at Even. He knows he should say something. Invite Even in, maybe crack a joke. His nerves have made his mind go blank, though. In the end he just smiles a little, steps to the side and lets Even come inside. – Uhm, come in.

Even follows him inside, but there's something careful and stiff about his manners as he hangs his jacket up and steps out of his shoes. Isak leads the way to the living room, thinking that they can hang there for a while. Or fuck. Right now he doesn't know what’s right to do. Even stops at the door to his room. Then he looks at Isak. Isak can see a bright red in his eyes, and almost none of the other colours.

Isak swallows, as he enters his room. Does that mean what he thinks it means? Need, passion, or want? Even follows him inside, and they stare at each other for another beat. The tension between them is almost tangible.

Isak is nervous. It's not like he has a lot of experience. He doesn't know what the hell he`s getting himself into. But right now, he doesn't really care. He just wants.

Finally, Isak can’t hold back anymore. – Fuck it, he grunts and roughly tugs off his shirt before unbuckling his belt. Next to him, Even chuckles while he follows him and yanks his own clothes off. They are both already frantic and they haven’t even touched each other yet.

Next, Isak lunges at Even, and kisses him while he pulls him close. He sees the red mix with gold in his eyes and Even moans as their kiss gets deeper. Isak touches and holds and pulls, and he can’t get enough. Even laughs out as they both hit the floor in a tangle. Isak wonders what's so fucking funny. He's desperate. Then the humour of it all hits him, and he chuckles, too. Isak is on Even, one hand twisting into the soft hair to yank Even’s head back while the other plunges into his boxers to palm him roughly. Even gasps as Isak nibbles at his throat.

Isak pulls back to finish yanking Even’s boxers off. He watches Even`s lean and pale body and feels a wave of awe. His hands roams over Even`s chest, trembling. He is desperate, but he is determined to slow things down a bit. He needs to wrap his mind around what`s happening. He leans back for a moment, and catches Even's eyes. – I'm kind of new to this, he says, and his voice sound unfamiliar, it's so husky. – I just want you to know that.

– But… uh... Even whispers, looking lost. – Last time…

Isak blushes, and tries to hide it as he kisses Even`s lips. – Uh, yeah, I know, I dived down on your dick like a madman. Uhm, I kind of didn't know what I was doing, though.

Even stares at him. – Wow. Okay, he mutters, and lets his hand brush a string of hair off Isak`s forehead. His hand is shaking slightly. – You wanna slow things down? he asks.

Isak is still so turned on, that his body shivers, even if the room is warm. He lets his hands stroke over Even`s chest. – Maybe slow down, but not fucking stop. Okay?

Even almost looks paralyzed under him. – Okay.

Isak spreads Even’s legs apart and nibbles into the pale flesh of Even’s inner thigh. He moves slowly and steadily upwards, nibbling and sucking as he moves. He keeps up the rough strokes of Even’s dick and can hear Even’s breathing grow harsher and more uneven above him. He looks up and Isak will readily admit that it`s a hell of a view from between Even’s legs. Even is propped up on his elbows; tracking him with his blue eyes, taking in Isak’s every move.

For a moment, Isak wonders how much of Isak`s want and needs Even can feel. When Even pulls him up and kisses his neck, and Isak feels a surge of desire going through his body, Even gasps. _Oh_ . He can sense quite a lot, then. The thought makes Isak feel both helpless and amazed at the same time. He looks Even in the eyes ( _hot hot hot pink, red, gold_ ) and strokes his left hand through Even`s hair while his other hand is busy stroking his dick. Isak lets his left hand rub slowly down Even`s neck, chest and stomach.   _God, he`s so beautiful._

Isak catches Even`s gaze again, as he moves back down on his body. Isak maintains the eye contact, taking his hand off Even’s rock hard cock as he edges closer with his lips and teeth. He can see Even’s abs clench and relax as he draws closer. Isak bites and sucks along Even’s pelvis, coming achingly close to his dick and leaving him breathless, before bypassing it completely to climb up further and swipe his tongue over Even’s nipple.

Even moans, and Isak grins. Teasing is kind of fun.

– Ah, fuck, Even deflates, laying flat on his back and huffing in frustration.

– What? Isak chuckles.

Even snorts and shoves Isak to the side, rolling with him until he`s straddling him. – Just… we can take it slow, but…

– But?

– But please… don't be a tease, Even mutters. He moves back and finishes undoing Isak’s jeans. Isak lifts his hips and lets Even yank off his pants and underwear.

– Jesus, Even murmurs, as he tosses Isak`s clothing aside and leans forward to slowly trail a warm hand from Isak’s throat, down his chest and over his abdominal muscles. He looks like he`s photographing Isak with his eyes. Isak`s skin is burning and twitching under Even’s touch. – You're so fucking hot, Even breaths and wraps his fist around Isak’s cock and gives it one long, agonizing stroke.

Isak moans under Even`s gaze, feeling his whole body start to quiver as Even’s hand pumps him slowly. Even`s reaction is to moan as well, and he looks almost drunk with lust. Isak`s feelings must be spurring him on. Isak can't take his eyes off him. His breath hitches when Even uses the rough pad of his thumb to follow the vein on the underside of his cock all the way up to the head. Isak sighs and thrusts into the touch.

Even smiles and dips his head, taking the top of Isak’s cock into his mouth. He sucks lightly, flicking his tongue across the leaking slit before relaxing to deep throat him. Isak groans as he feels Even sucking him eagerly, humming and breathing as his hand is splayed against his stomach. The sensation is almost too much, and the thought that Even can feel just what he feels makes him shiver. Isak shuts his eyes and twists his hands hard into Even’s hair. He arches into the wet heat as Even`s head bobs below him. Isak is losing his mind, letting out groans that come from bone deep within him.

They are both getting carried away – Even is going down on him so eagerly and Isak is losing himself in the sensations. Still, he wants more than this, he wants to feel even closer. He wants to feel Even so close that he`s under his skin. He wants to fuck. Isak gasps as his orgasm creeps up on him and he realizes almost too late that he doesn't want to come yet. He tugs on Even’s soft hair frantically. – I`m…. I`m… not yet!

Even backs off, and quickly grabs the base of Isak’s dick, applying pressure and preventing Isak from coming. The delayed gratification nearly kills Isak and he lets out a harsh grunt of frustration. Even looks lost, too (can he feel how close Isak is?), but he still  grins at Isak. – It’s all good, baby; I gotcha.

– Fuck, Even, Isak growls and Even only grins harder.

Isak takes a couple of deep breaths.

– Are you alright now, baby? Even asks with smiling eyes, – can I let go, or do I need to keep the pressure on?

Isak only groans and rolls them both around, lunging at Even’s mouth again. He never gets tired of kissing Even. He lets Even kiss him soft and senseless while he slides the hard length of his body against his. When Even finally pulls back a little, Isak is done playing around. So is Even, it seems.

– I want you to get me ready and fuck me, Even asks breathlessly, – is that alright?

Isak smiles a shivering smile. – Sure. Just remember that… uhm, I haven't really that much experience.

– Well, uh, neither do I, not with this. But uhm, dont worry. It’s probably easiest if I… sit on top of you.

Oh, damn, that sentence almost makes Isak blow again. He finds the lube and makes his fingers slick. Even sits over him when he takes Isak’s hand and leads it to find the right place. Isak slides a slicked finger slowly into Even and smiles with satisfaction when Even’s eyelids drop and he tilts his head back.

– I feel… so much, Even whimpers. – Fuuuck, Isak, you’re so good to me...

Isak feels the tightness around his fingers and wonders how it feels. It doesn't look like it hurts? Is it true that it makes the orgasm better? He jerks Even off with his left hand, distracting him while he continues stretching him with his right. When he sees that Even is enjoying the sensations, his nerves fade away and he feels almost proud.

– I’m... good, Even grunts after a little while. When he stares at Isak, his eyes shimmer in reds and golden strings. – Please… I need you, Isak. Let’s do this.

The need is almost overwhelming. Isak reaches for the condoms with shaking hands, tears one of the packets off and gets to his knees in front of the still kneeling Even. He pulls Even flush against him as he sucks on his lips. One hand cradles Even’s head while the kiss deepens and the other gropes his ass. While Even grinds against him and shifts to suck on his neck, Isak rips the condom packet open and pulls it out. With trembling fingers he manages to pull it on.

They lock eyes for a moment, and a silent communication runs between them. _Yes_.

Even straddles him, and Isak can't keep his hands off him. He runs his hands up Even’s pale thighs until they rest on his hips. Even’s eyes are closed, lips parted as he slowly exhales and lowers himself onto Isak’s cock. Isak pushes up into the welcoming heat.

Even’s closed eyes allow Isak the small luxury of looking at him without hiding his admiration. He stares at Even’s flushed face, rakes his eyes down the pale column of his throat and over his body. Even is still adjusting and can't pick up the pace yet, so Isak continues taking full advantage of it, pulling Even close and kissing and licking all the exposed flesh he can reach.

Even’s mouth falls open silently as Isak fills him up. Isak keeps breathing Even in, getting high on Even’s scent as he slowly sinks on top of Isak, and after a while, the blue eyes open and look down on him, clouded and heavy lidded. The reds, golds and pinks shimmer and make Isak shiver. Isak is trapped, caught with a probably stupid moony look on his face and feelings roaring through his body that most likely will scare Even away. Only Even doesn't run away, just dips his head and trails his tongue along Isak’s lower lip. Isak shivers and hugs him closer. Oh god, he is falling in love. _Fuck_. This is it.

Isak thrusts up into Even`s heat, sighing blissfully and pulling guttural moans out of Even. The measured, firm rhythm they started off with soon dissipates and Even bounces on him frantically. Isak holds his hips in an iron grip. Even leans back, probably to steady himself, and inadvertently changes Isak’s angle of entry.

– Oh fuck! Even groans, as he basically spontaneously combusts around Isak’s cock.

Isak doesn't ask, but he’s pretty sure that Even just found his spot. He watches Even as he keeps riding him at that same angle, as he is gasping helplessly over him.

Isak is overwhelmed by the hot tightness around his dick. The desperate need to thrust makes him grab hold of Even and flip them both around so Even ends on his back.

Their eyes hold, and the rainbow colours and the red in Even’s eyes makes Isak shiver. But he can’t lose it yet. He starts jerking Even off while he shifts around again and rediscovers Even’s sweet spot. Even manages a couple of breaths before he groans and comes, all over Isak’s hand and both their stomachs.

Isak keeps on pounding into Even. He braces a hand next to Even’s head and trails the thumb of his free hand over Even’s lower lip, his eyes never releasing him even for a moment.

Even is gold, pink and red, and Isak almost drowns in his eyes.

– Isak, Even moans, stretching up a hand and running it over the back of Isak’s head and neck.

Isak trembles. Even saying his name does something to him. – Say my name again, he begs. Even pulls him down, legs wrapped tightly around his waist as he tightened his muscles around Isak’s cock. Isak’s rhythm stutters during the kiss. He breaks it to bury his nose in Even’s neck and inhale deeply. _Please, say my name._ He thrusts desperately, feeling the buildup and knowing it will be over in a second. _God, I love you._

– Isak, Even whispers hot and wet into his ear and sets off the explosion.

– Fuck, Even… Fuck! Isak comes in a shower of sensations surging through his body before slumping on top of Even.

They both deflate in a tangle of sweat-soaked limbs. Isak breathes and enjoys the after sex haze, and pushes away the thought that he has fallen in love in spite of the fact that they are only friends fucking.

##  **Isak: Fucking Friendly**

Isak wakes up the next morning feeling well rested, but a little heavy in his body. Like he isn't ready to face the day or face the facts yet. He lies there for a moment, just letting reality slowly come back to him. The room feels different now that he can hear Even`s calm breath beside him. They have drifted apart in their sleep, and Isak silently slides closer, so that he can steal a little body heat before Even wakes up. Even`s arm is resting over his head, so Isak can rest his head on his chest, and hear his steady heartbeat. Very carefully, he lets his arm sneak over Even`s waist. Oh, God, this is good. He knows he`s playing a risky game right now, but he doesn't care. He just wants this, for a little longer.

Isak savours the feeling of Even sleeping next to him, and feels both grateful and slightly worried over the fact that he chose to meet up with Even instead of joining the Halloween party. It had been so good to finally get intimate with Even again. So fucking good. The tenderness in Even`s eyes, hands and body had left Isak breathless. But what did it _mean_? Isak sighs to himself. How long does he get to feel Even next to him, before he disappears? They are still just friends. Right?

Isak breathes in, scenting the both strange and familiar smell of Even. Fuck, he loves the sensation of Even next to him, too. He wants this so much, he can't help it. He feels sort of vulnerable, but not like the first time they were intimate like this, in the pool. This time, he knows that he and Even have connected for real. There was no manic episode, they were both _there_. Still, the fact that he was allowed to be so close and intimate, that he could come inside of Even, makes him feel in awe and sort of raw, like his skin has been peeled off. He has a sneaking feeling that fucking maybe is slightly more than simply a release, and that staying fuckbuddies with Even can become tricky.

He is falling for Even. No, he has fallen for Even. He can't help it; he loves everything about him. Fuck, he`s so fucked.

When Even wakes up, he seems not to worry at all. He smiles at Isak and looks almost happy. His eyes are happy, too. Isak can see lots of caring pink, active red, vital orange and a little optimistic yellow. And gold. Isak watches his slow smile, and his heart aches in love for him. For a moment he panics and wonders if Even can sense all his feelings. But then, Even doesn`t seem to be running away anytime soon. Maybe Even still was asleep when Isak had his revelation of love?

– I like to have you here in my arms, Even says, putting his arm around him and pulling him closer.

Isak must smile into his chest. – It`s alright.

They are lying so close that he's pretty sure that Even picks up that he really, really likes it, too.

– Can we stay like this, just a little longer?

Isak nods into his chest. He could never say no to something like that.

The two of them cuddle and talk during the morning, and only sneak off to the kitchen to get something quick to eat. Of course Eskild catches them in the act. Isak is relieved that he promises to keep to himself that he`s seen them together.

– Don't you worry, baby gay, your secret's safe with me, he purrs.

Isak and Even stay locked up in Isak`s room for hours, talking and laughing, and when they get heated up and breathless once more, they both cling closely to each other, forgetting everything as they kiss and moan into each other's mouths. And then Isak feels safe and cared for when Even pushes him down on the bed. Even`s eyes shine in gold and pink as he starts to nuzzle Isak`s cock through his pants. It must be the shortest blow job in history though, because by the time Even pulls his shorts off and starts licking him, Isak's so turned on that he doesn't last three seconds when Even actually starts to suck.

Isak insists on reciprocating, of course. Although he's seldom (well, once) given a blowjob, he'd imagined it plenty of times. Isak traces the veins on Even`s cock with his tongue and swirls around the head, delving into his slit to taste his precum. Even doesn't hold back on his sounds of pleasure, and they spur Isak on. It`s heady to be able to make someone lose control, and Even definitely goes under, writhing and moaning and staring at Isak with wide eyes. He's been reduced to begging by the time Isak puts his lips around the head of his cock and slides it as far back into his throat as he can. It only takes a few bobs before Even pulls him off and ejaculates all over his stomach. Isak cleans off Even's stomach while listening to Even's happy breaths and giggles.

Hours later they cling to each other again, and this time they kiss and kiss and kiss and chase their relief in their joined hands. And even though Isak knows that they're just friends, he feels loved, and cared for. So Isak cherishes every moment and tries to save each and every one of them in his heart. For later. For when this lovely thing between them is over.

And he wonders. Can all of this really still be just… friendly?

He doesn't dare to ask it out loud. He just enjoys every moment with Even and pushes every thought of and question about the future away.

Isak and Even lose themselves in each other, and forget about everything else. In the last second, they remember Magnus` birthday, so they throw themselves out the door, and meet the boys to celebrate it.

That whole night Isak doesn't know where to look or what to do. He’s happy for Magnus, who seems to have a lot of fun, but at the same time, he only cares about Even. Isak`s body buzzes from excitement and the need for more of him. And when both he and Even get the chance to sneak away, they do. They run home, and end up, laughing, giggling and grasping for each other in Isak`s bed.

And Isak feels like this is something he could get used to. However, he doesn't get the chance. Even ends up staying the second night as well, but by Sunday morning, he is gone.

Even has left another drawing, though. It`s Isak and Even, cuddling in bed. No caption.

Isak stares at it and wonders what the meaning of the drawings is. The previous ones always had the caption about “another place and time”, but this one doesn`t. Isak knows Even was never that fond of the theory about parallel universes. That was Isak`s thing. So why did he mention another place and time, then? Was Even trying to show that he tried to understand Isak`s view of the world? Or something? And what about this small cartoon from today?

Isak doesn`t know. He only knows that those drawings makes him feel good. And secretly, deep down, he wishes that the drawing from today means that Even can see them together in _this_ universe.

The next days, Isak doesn't see much of Even, but they text every day, and Isak feels like he walks around in an emotional and lustful haze, just waiting for the next moment to see him.

Then, on Wednesday, when Isak is dribbling a ball in gym class, he suddenly sees Even standing in the doorway, watching him.

Even smiles a little smile, signals to Isak to follow him, and Isak follows him into the locker room. The room is quiet, but they can hear the sounds from the other students in gym class.

– Halla, Even says.

– Halla, Isak answers, as he approaches him. When Even holds out his hands, Isak takes them, even if it`s another thing that makes him wonder what it is, this thing between them. – It's been awhile.

Even nods. _Pink. Red. Yellow. Gold._ – Yeah. Three days. I've been thinking a lot.

– Okay? Isak asks, suddenly scared. Is Even calling everything off?

Even looks serious. _Yellow_. Nervous. – I just want to ask you. Do you still think this friends with benefits thing is working?

Isak blushes, still a little scared. – Friends with benefits, huh? he huffs, to give himself time.

Even nods, smiling a little. – Do you still think this is good?

– I don't know, Isak admits. – I like what we're doing. A lot. I just…

_I want more. I want so much more._

– Yeah, me too.

 _Shit._ Did Even just pick up what he felt? Or did he just answer to what he assumed Isak was about to say?

Even appears friendly, caring. Isak stares into Even`s eyes. In his eyes, Isak can now see the colours of the rainbow specked with gold. Still lots of pink and other warm colours.

– We can stop this if you want to, Even says.

_Fuck, no._

– No. We're good. I mean. If you don't want to stop it?

Isak starts to stutter, and Even smiles, and there's laughter and something like joy in his eyes.

– I don't wanna stop it, Isak, he says, and in his eyes it’s pink, pink, pink. – I know we said no cuddling in public, but can I give you a hug?

– Yeah, Isak breathes.

 _Fuck what we said, anyway_ , he thinks, and wishes he could have the courage to say it.

The hug feels like home. It feels like a home should be. Safe walls, warmth and love. Someone who cares about you, someone who stays.

Isak leans back and watches the gold, pink and red in Even`s eyes. He knows that Even cares about him. He just doesn't know how much. He’s only sure of one thing, right now; that he wants Even to be his home.

– I still think that you have the whole rainbow in your eyes because you take in other people’s feelings, Isak says. He takes a deep breath. – But I also think it's because you are special. To me. You're like my best friend, Even. And I'm so clueless sometimes. It`s like this universe knew I would need help to find you.

His pulse roars in his ears, as he fears that he has said far too much.

Even stares at him and looks like Isak has given him a punch in the gut. – You are… you're special to me too, Isak, he whispers. It sounds like a confession. – I pick up your feelings a lot stronger than other`s, too. And it feels… special.

 _Wow_.

Isak is scared shitless and is about to ask him about details, but then the school bell rings, and Even needs to go. Isak has a thousand of questions, but when Even pulls him close and kisses him, he forgets them. Even`s hand on his neck and his lips against his, make him shiver.

When Even goes to class, Isak is left standing in a kiss drunk haze, wondering what`s happening to their friendly fucking arrangement.

Rest of that day Isak tries in earnest to calm down about Even. He feels like he has let everything go too far, and has probably been obsessing over him for far too long and it has to stop. Doesn't it? Nothing is ever going to come of it. He can't have a relationship with Even. Because…. why? Because they don't want to ruin things between them? But why doesn't that reason seem important enough anymore? He just wants and wants, and he can`t tell himself not to.

Isak is starting to feel desperate. He tries to avoid Even, but realizes that he can't do that for long. The boys are hanging around all the time, and avoiding Even would be weird. Isak does all he can to be just friendly, too. He is full of want but clings to the thought that is happy just being friends with Even. _Fucking_ friends.

The next day, on Thursday, it`s OD-day, and Isak gets to let his mind rest a little as he works with the strange janitor. That evening, he spills his heart to Jonas, just without explaining their friendly arrangement. – I am going crazy, I'm thinking about Even all the time, he admits. – And I don't think he feels the same.

Jonas cocks his head, and gives him a long look under his strong eyebrows and dark curls. – Well, how do you know? Have you asked?

Isak sighs. – Nah.

Ask. Jonas had to say the same as Sana, of course. No easy solutions.

He gives Jonas a nudge. – How about you? It's not like you have worked out things, either. You haven`t forgotten Eva yet, have you?

Jonas blushes and stutters, and Isak knows he's right.

– You should talk to Eva, he says.

Jonas looks at him, but he looks doubtful. – Nah, she has moved on.

Isak stares at him. – How do you know? Have you asked?

Jonas sighs a laugh, and Isak laughs with him.

– Fine. If you talk to Even, I`ll talk to Eva, Jonas says then. And his raised eyebrow suggests that he doesn't think it`s likely to happen.

Isak groans. The mere thought of doing it makes him nervous.

Jonas shakes his head. – It`s like you two are just dancing around each other. Maybe it's time you give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you want it all, or nothing. Straight up.

Isak still thinks about it when he walks home. He thinks about it for a long time, even when he goes to bed. He knows it`s the reasonable thing to do. To talk. Just ask. He just doesn't know how he's supposed to get the courage to do it.

That Friday, on the 4th of November, the first year Emma arranges another party. Isak, Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas get together to have some beers before the party, and the atmosphere is good, but Isak is jittery and nervous. He knows Even and his guys are coming later. Will he dare to ask about them? And if so, how?

When Even turns up with Mikael, Elias and the others, Isak only smiles a little and says hello. Thank heavens for these tactile friends of Even though; Isak gets a hug from each and every one of them. And when Even hugs him, he holds on just a little bit longer.

– Nice to see you, he breathes, and expects that Even senses just how flustered he is.

– You too, Even smiles, and his smile is so warm that Isak wants to drown in it.

How the hell is he supposed to function in a way that means he can talk to Even?

They all sit down in the living room, talking and joking around. Isak drinks his beer, steals glances at Even, and thinks that he has time to figure it out. The boys are talking about parties and girls, and he zones out a bit. But then Jonas starts to be an annoying fucker.

– So, who`s that crush you've been talking about, Isak? he asks, and suddenly all the boys stare at Isak.

– Fuck, Jonas, Isak groans, and gives him a look to tell him that he`s about to kill him. He doesn't dare to look at Even, who probably gets what it's all about.

– You have a crush? Mikael asks, and he suddenly looks a little worried. Isak wonders why.

– Yeah, Isak, you should tell us all about it, Mahdi cheers, knowing all too well who Jonas is talking about. – You've been lovesick for ages. Talking about how you get confused from all the mixed signals.

Magnus looks confused, and Isak fears that he's going to reveal it all when he finally remembers who they have been talking about.

– Fuck, guys, can you please let it be? he says, hoping to stop Magnus from remembering.

He steals a quick glance at Even. He looks a little stiff, and there's a new colour in his eyes. A dark and muddy green?

– I didn't know that you had met someone, Even says, and Isak is confused. Surely, he must realize that the boys are talking about _him_? Isak had feared that Even would run as soon as he understood how lovesick Isak is. He doesn't seem scared off, though? Isak doesn't quite get the meaning of the shifting colours in his eyes.

– I still think you should give that guy an ultimatum, Jonas says, grinning. – All or nothing!  

Isak just shrugs. – Watch your own love life, Cupid, he mocks. He makes sure that there's a hidden threat in his voice. _Quit it,_ he silently says. _Or I'll tell them all about Eva._

That seems to finally shut Jonas up, and Isak can lean back for a moment. But now he knows he needs to talk to Even. First of all, Jonas is right, of course. They can't go on dancing around each other like this. Second of all, he needs to fix that confused look in Even`s face.

Maybe Even finally is starting to realize that Isak has stronger feelings for him, and it's scaring him shitless? _Fuck_. Isak knows he can't lose Even, not like this. He moves over so that he can sit next to Even. – You shouldn't listen to Jonas, he says nervously. His voice is low; he doesn't want the others to hear. – This doesn't have to mean anything.

– Doesn't it? Even says. He stares at his beer, then he takes a deep breath and smiles. Bumps into Isak`s shoulder. – So, you have fallen for someone, eh? I guess I just thought I would be the first to know.

 _What the fuck?_ Isak stares at him, suddenly feeling pissed. What`s with Even? Is he suddenly okay with Isak meeting someone else? Is he just playing a game or something?

– What the fuck? he whispers, feeling his heart in his throat. – You… Don`t pretend that you don't fucking know, Bech Næsheim!

Even stares at him with wide eyes, and Isak has to catch his breath. There's a strong greyish blue colour. Dark, muddy green. Sadness. And jealousy? _What is this?_ And now there seeps in some yellow surprise, too.

– What do you mean that I know? Even asks, swallowing.

Isak shuts his eyes for a moment. – Come on, follow me, he says. – I need to talk to you.

He stands up and waits until Even gets up too. Then he says to the guys. – I just need to have a word with Even.

Jonas gives him a knowing look, and so do several of the others, but Isak doesn't care. He goes into the kitchen, where he stops at the counter. Even stops in front of him, and he still has a confused and miserable look on his face. – What`s wrong? he asks. – What did I do? Don't be mad, Isak. If you just want to be friends now, I get that. I won't be difficult or anything.

Isak shakes his head. Then he answers before he has the time to regret it. – You didn't do anything? You know this, Even, he says, blushing. – How can you not know this? I've been crushing for you for ages. I love everything about you. I love how you always lose yourself in what you do. How you always are so kind. How you always see people. You saw me. And I just… I want to spend time with you all the time, Even. You must know that by now. My feelings have been seeping out of me every time we meet, every time we hug and spend time together, for fuck`s sake.

Even just stares at him, like he's a strange and wonderful puzzle he doesn`t get.

Could he really not have picked it up? Isak knows that he needs to continue, even if he risks Even withdrawing. – And this… friends with benefits thing, it's just not enough, he says, as his heart beats and drums like thunder. – I want all of you, Even. Not just a piece of you. And if that`s not what you want, then… then we should stop this.

Even grabs his shoulders then. Takes a deep breath, like he reacts to the touch. Stares into Isak’s eyes. – You're not kidding with me, right now?

– What the fuck? Isak sputters, the nerves making him antsy. – Who do you think I am, kidding about things like this?

Even swallows. And swallows again. – I thought you had found someone else, he whispers. – I didn't know...

– How didn't you know? Isak whispers back. – You must have felt how I want you? How I care about you?

Even blushes. There's a new light in his eyes. – I thought I felt something. When we woke up last weekend, I thought I could feel it. It was so much want and love that I almost drowned in it. And all this gold, it felt so good. And I was so happy. And I was just trying to be brave enough to tell you what I felt, too. But it was so difficult. And then Jonas started to talk about this crush of yours, and... I thought that I had mixed things up, somehow.

Isak`s hands are gripping Even’s shirt. _So. What do you feel about me, Even?_

He doesn't have to ask. Even`s eyes are in gold, orange, red and pink, pink, pink, and Isak`s heart almost beats out of his chest.

– I think I love you, Isak, Even says.

##  **Even: Colours of Love**

_I love you._ The words still echo between them. Maybe they're too serious, too heavy. Maybe they're too much, too soon. Even is filled with a careless bliss right now; he doesn't care. Even only cares about the fact that he now knows that Isak likes him, cares about him, and wants him. Isak is right, too, of course; Even should have sensed it. In fact, he _had_ sensed it, he just didn't dare to believe it. Not completely. He almost doesn't, still. There have been so many new sensations lately that he doesn't know what to think about it.

Isak stares at him with wide eyes, like he has revealed an amazing secret. Even stares back, feeling the need to touch him burn in his hands. Recently Even has noticed that there's something special in the way Isak _feels_ , compared to others, whenever they touch. It`s not just the fact that Even senses Isak`s feelings stronger than others` feelings, and for a longer time than others’. It`s something about the texture, or taste, or colour of Isak`s feelings. Yeah, colour, maybe. Just like he told Isak the other day, Isak is pure gold, the golden boy. Isak is relaxation. Joy. A feeling of being high. Touching and feeling Isak feels so good, it's almost addictive.

Whenever Even touches Isak he feels this _warmth, bliss, care and want_ rushing through him like a flicker of gold. It's a dizzying rush that floods over him. He remembers the sensation of losing himself in Isak’s feelings when they had sex, in the haze of pleased pleasure, a little concern, but always that bright, intoxicating feeling that flooded over him when Even smiled at him. Touched him.

This golden pleasure means something, and it has taken Even some time to figure out what. Isak has a theory about the gold colour being inner knowledge and bliss. Even thinks he's onto something. The gold, these warm, relaxed feelings are associated with what happens between them. And feeling it, letting it rush over him and sweep him away, it`s like nothing Even has ever experienced before. He wants more, even now.

They aren't touching now, though. Isak is staring him in the eyes and clutching his shirt in his hands, but they're not touching.

– I… I think I love you, too, Isak says. He says it in a sincere voice, calmly and plainly, like a fact, and not a romantic declaration. Even loves it. He doesn't want to be adored or made into something more than he is. He just wants Isak. He wants to be loved for who he is, and he wants Isak to feel loved, too. He wants to be Isak’s home.

Isak looks at him, and Even desperately wants to touch Isak some more. To let Isak`s feelings wash over him and warm him up again. He reaches out, and touches Isak`s arms. _Pleasure, joy, affection, want_ surge through him. It feels private, almost too private.

– Uh, sorry, he says, and withdraws.

Isak looks confused. – Sorry for what?

Even frowns. – It just hit me that I really should ask you if it's okay to touch you. Feelings should be a private matter.

Isak smiles. – You have never stepped over my boundaries, Even. Everytime we touched, I wanted it. Okay?

– Uh, okay.

Isak takes Even’s hands. _Trust, warmth, care, calm, longing._ Even takes a deep breath. How come it feels so good, touching Isak? It's almost like a drug, like he's high.  

– Something`s different, Isak says, looking closely at him. – Lately, when you touch me, you seem almost dazed, or drunk or something. What`s happening?

Even blushes. – Uhm… I told you that your feelings are sort of special compared to others, right? Well, you feel good.

Isak looks like he's in awe. Feels like it too. – Really?

– Really, Even nods. He lets his fingers entwine with Isak`s. – Everyone's feelings have different… textures, and yours are special. It feels relaxing, almost... intoxicating.

Isak stares at him, and something flashes through his eyes. – Do you get drunk on me, is that what you're saying?

– Kind of, yeah.

Isak lets his one hand stroke up Even`s arm, and Even feels another flash of warmth go through him. It feels so _good_.

– So, Isak says, and now his both hands are around his neck, – the times lately when you've looked kind of dazed, it`s because of me? Because of how I feel?

Even nods, as he lets his own hands rest on Isak`s hips. – Mm… yeah, you can say that.

Isak grins. – Because it feels nice, he says, and sounds faintly amazed.

_Nice is a word, yeah._

– It feels amazing, Even nods. He senses Isak`s wonder and disbelief. – Is that so hard to believe?

Isak shrugs, a little smile is still at the corner of his mouth. – A bit, I guess. So, do you know why you feel like this?

Of course the scientist in Isak wants to know. Even pauses for a moment. – You are special to me, Isak. That`s all I know.

Isak looks at him for a long moment. Even can sense _wonder, joy, pride_ . Then he puts his chin out and grins again. – I _am_ special. I`m the best.

Even laughs. –  I know.

They stand there, holding each other and watching each other, and it's an unspoken question between them.

– So. We probably should get back to the boys, Isak says. His words doesn't really reflect his feelings at all. _Hope, joy, want, need_ flashes through Even.

Even nods, a little dazed. – Yeah, he says, and has no plans to. He still wants more of this feeling. – Can I kiss you?

Isak stares at him. – Yeah, he breathes and slides his hands against the sides of Even’s neck, thumbs soft against his jaw and long fingers buried in his hair. Even sighs in pleasure. Isak`s giddy _hope_ and _want_ bursts through Even, devotion and happiness warm under his skin, and Even lifts his own hands to roam over Isak’s back. For a moment he loses himself in Isak`s feelings, in the intoxicating haze of _hope, want_ and _care_. Feeling it, and letting it rush over him and sweep him away, is like no other experience.

Isak tilts his face to meet Even`s, and pulls him closer. Their noses slide against each other before their lips meet, the skin softer than Even could have ever imagined. He isn’t sure whether the elation setting his head spinning is his or Isak’s. It`s mindblowing to touch someone and be so attuned to each other that they both have their minds in exactly the same place. He makes a desperate sound as he opens his mouth, wanting more. Greedy, needful, he forgets his nerves and wraps his arms around Isak properly, pressing their bodies together and losing himself in their shared joy.

Everything rushing through him blends, merges and comes together in a single feeling. The two of them perfectly united. The feeling of love and want stays and settles under his skin, hazy golden warmth sinking into his bones as they kiss and kiss and kiss.

– Hey, guys, we should…, a voice says from the doorway, followed by a whistle.

– Woooow….

– It's about time! a third voice says.

Even and Isak let go of each other and stare at the door. That is, Even struggles to withdraw; he`s still drunk from the kiss and the touch. At least he's too dazed to be embarrassed. Isak looks a little flushed, but he feels okay. _Warmth, joy_ and _surprise_ simmers through him as their fingers touch.

Jonas, Mahdi and Mikael are in the doorway, and the other boys are soon surrounding them.

– Ah, so Even was your crush! Mikael exclaims with a relieved laugh. – I was worried there for a second. Even has been whining about you for ages.

– Yeah, that's an understatement, Mutta sighs.

– Really? Isak laughs, throwing Even a teasing look.

– Well, Isak has been crying over Even for ages, too, Mahdi says then, making Isak blush. – Thank God that you finally did something.

Magnus seems to finally get it. – Ah, so _Even_ was your crush, Isak! Yeah, I forgot about that. You look cute together, though.

– Oh man, Jonas sighs.

Even can only laugh.

– Anyway, Isak says, obviously wanting to change the subject. – What`s the plans now, then?

Even takes a deep breath. – We have a party to go to, right?

For a moment the boys watch them, and Even wonders if they'll keep on mocking them, but then they shrug, laugh a little, and  it's over. All of them are ready for a party, it seems.

– Party! Magnus shouts, as he gives both Isak and Even a bear hug. Even has to smile when he feels the warmth, excitement and joy rushing from him.

– Yeah, we're probably too many, but we should try, Jonas says.

Isak suddenly lights up. – You have something to do, too, Jonas, he says, giving Jonas a pointing finger and a long, daring look. – You're going to talk to her, right?

Jonas groans. – Fuck.

Isak grins.  He looks obnoxious, to be honest.

Even doesn`t get what's going on. – What? he asks, looking from Isak to Jonas and back to Isak again. – Is it Eva?

If it's possible, Isak`s grin gets even wider. – Jonas promised to talk to her if I talked to you, he whispers.

– Damn, I knew you never forgot about her, Mahdi says, and smiles widely. – Go get her, man!

He`s followed by cheers from the whole group.

– Oh, fuck, guys, please don't say anything, Jonas groans. – I'll talk to her. Promise.

Even must laugh a fond laugh, as he watches Jonas` miserable face. This could turn out to be one interesting night.

While the boys scramble out in the hallway to put on their jackets and get ready to go, Isak turns to Even and holds him back. – Ah, this is gold, Even, he says and smiles. – Remember how Eva and Jonas woke you up on that cabin trip ages ago? When we had to flee the room?

Even watches the light in his eyes and smiles back. – It wasn't Eva and Jonas who woke me up, though, he admits. – I mean, since we're all honest here and all.

– No? Isak asks. – Did I wake you up when I got up?

Even hesitates. – I woke up when you were… uhm… well, jacking off is the correct term, I guess. And you turned me on so badly I almost dived to get into the shower.

Isak looks very hot in his head, and very, very embarrassed. – Fuck, I had no self control back then, and sharing a room with a hottie like you just was too much for me. Hey, wait, does that mean that you liked me back then?

_Of course I did, stupid._

– I liked you from the first day I saw you, Isak.

Isak stares at him, and a slow smile grows on his face. – Wow.

He swallows. – Well, we were two, then, he says. – I was lost from the moment I saw you in the school yard, first day at school.

Even stares at him, feeling warmth rush through him. He can`t believe it.

– Come on, lovebirds! Magnus bellows from the hallway, and Even knows they must get going.

The whole band of boys scramble through the streets to get to the party. On their way to Emma`s house, Even holds Isak`s hand, and savours the sensation of his feelings.

– I wonder, Isak says as they approach the house, – If there`s another universe where we're not together like this?

He has a thoughtful look on his face, and Even can feel _wonder, melancholy, gratitude_.

Even shakes his head, wondering, too. – I'm glad I'm in this world, no matter what, he says.

Isak just smiles, and Even knows he agrees. He can feel it.

And then they're there. The door to Emma’s house opens just before the whole gang gets to it and music spills out into the night.

– Isak! Even! Magnus! Everyone! Vilde bellows, as she hangs off the doorframe and beams at them. – Took your time! It's packed here!

One of the guys at the door tries to keep them out, but Even uses his charm and drags Isak inside. They find that yes, the house is packed. Even sees Sana, Eva, Vilde, Isak`s flatmate Noora and that girl Chris that they used to hang with. Everyone is there. It sounds like a lot of fun, but Even can sense that Isak is apprehensive, to say the least.

Isak stares at the crowd, and sighs. – To be honest, I would love to be at home instead. Preferably together with you.

– Come on, Even says, – let's have a try. If you still wanna go home in an hour or so, I`m glad to follow you.

Isak looks at him with doubt in his eyes. – I need to get drunk for this, he says then. – You'd better help me get drunk.

– Wow, bossy, Even smirks and jerks his head to signal that they should move on.

The thought of moving through the crowd worries him a little, but he focuses for a moment and manages to shut most of their sensations out. It`s almost like Isak`s feelings shield him a little, too. – Okay, Isak, if you wanna get drunk fast, we should find some booze.

– What? Are you planning to steal something here? Isak asks.

– Nah, I brought some Vodka, Even laughs. – But maybe we can find something to mix it with.

Even and Isak slip past the other guests and into the kitchen, where they find some soda and start mixing drinks.

– You really aim to deliver, Isak smiles as he sips to the drink Even has made.

– I do, Even grins, jiggling his own drink a little, leaning into him again. And _oh_ , there's that buzz again. _Joy, ease, teasing_. It`s like he suddenly has an open channel to Isak`s emotions, and it's intoxicating. Is he ever going to get used to this?

He looks around, watching everyone having fun, both in the kitchen and in the living room. He spots Jonas, who stands in a corner sending Eva long looks. Even nudges Isak. – Do you think Jonas needs a little help to talk to Eva?

Isak follows his gaze. – Well, Jonas might have a chance tonight. Eva isn't hanging around Chris, so that's a good sign. I don't think we should meddle, though.

Even is confused for a moment. – Chris? he asks. – Vilde`s and Sana`s friend?

Isak laughs. – Nah, Christoffer Schistad. Eva has flirted a bit with him from time to time. I get the impression it`s just for fun, though.

– Ah, yeah, I'm maybe a hopeless romantic, but I definitely get a vibe that there's something more between Jonas and Eva. Unresolved tension.

– Sure you do, Isak smiles. He looks Even in the eyes. – Wait, no, no, no, are you planning to meddle?

Even shrugs and smiles. – I just thought I could have a little chat with Jonas.

Isak sighs and throws his hands up. He still smiles, though. – Fine. I'll go talk to some of the others.

– You do that, Even says and kisses his cheek before he goes to find Jonas.

To move through the crowd is a trial, and Even does what he can to avoid taking in the feelings of everyone. If he takes them all in, he knows he will quickly feel drained. As he moves through the room, suddenly Magnus, with messy hair and wide grin, pulls Even into a hug. – I never thought you and Isak would make it! It`s so cool!

The hug is warm, and Even can’t help smiling at the giddy rush of elation that floods from Magnus to him. – Thanks, Mags. Now I should talk to Jonas.

– Sweet! Magnus slips an arm around his shoulder and leads him through the room. – He's over here!

– I know, Mags, I know.

They approach Jonas, who greets them with a crooked smile, and Magnus suddenly takes off again, bellowing about dancing.

Even laughs and looks at Jonas. – So, I just wondered if you needed a little pep talk.

He throws a look at Eva and raises his eyebrows tellingly.

Jonas sighs. – I don't know. It's a long time ago that we broke up. I messed up for real back then, you know. I just… Don't know how to quit her.

– I get that feeling, Even nods.

Jonas has almost a desperate expression now. – I don't know what to say...

Even shrugs. – I get that, he says. Without thinking, he puts his hand on Jonas` shoulder, and he suddenly feels affection, want, fear, nausea. Oh. He`s really a lost cause.

– I get that it's scary, he says. – But isn't it better to finally work out if it's for real, or if it's just fantasy?

Even doesn`t know if it's his touch or his words, but Jonas seems to let down his shoulders, and his feelings seem calmer. More balanced. – Okay. Fine. If Isak dared to talk to you after all this time, I should do it, too.

He straightens up to go over to Eva.

– Break a leg, Even laughs, feeling optimistic.

He also senses a small headache, probably because he has worked with Jonas` feelings. He's not sure how he can use this empathic ability of his. He knows that trying to heal or help others drains him. Although he would love to heal others, he doesn't think it's for him. Helping his friends like this, helping them regulating their feelings, is okay. And maybe he can use it somehow when he makes art. Movies. That's good enough.

As Jonas disappears to conquer his fears Even lets his eyes look around the room. There are a lot of people he doesn't know, but all his friends are there, too. It feels good. When he looks for Isak, and finally sees him, sitting next to Sana, Elias and Yousef, he feels a warm feeling in his gut. They're becoming friends, just like he thought they would. His two worlds are connecting. Merging. Even closes his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed with affection for these brilliant people he’s been lucky enough to find.

Jonas and Eva seem to be having an intense talk, Magnus is singing one of his favourite songs with Mutta, while Isak, Yousef and Sana are talking. Noora, Elias and Mahdi seem to be discussing politics while Mikael and Adam are shaking loose at the dance floor. Even lets Vilde and Chris take his hands, and pull him out onto the dance floor with the others. A new song starts up as they find their way into the middle of the mass of bodies and Vilde grins and shouts, evidently recognising it. Chris whoops and grins as well. She makes a silly dance, making Even laugh. He catches Isak`s gaze in the other end of the room and he smiles. That smile makes him feel content. Happy. He just smiles, purposely brushing Vilde’s and Chris` hands with his own. A burst of excitement and happiness explodes through his head like a flash of colour and Even grins.

This is a good night.

It gets even better when Isak decides to join him.  

– Halla, baby, Isak says, smiling, as his hands slide around his waist. _Oh damn._ The dizzying rush of _pleasure, happiness, care, wonder, want, warmth_ floods over him, and the small headache he had, is long gone. Even shuts his eyes for a moment, and rests his forehead against Isak`s. The feeling's the same as always lately – like golden light, an instant relaxant. Isak`s feelings are like a warm blanket around him.

– Halla, Even mutters, smiling, feeling warmer than he’s ever been with the arms of Isak wrapped around him, feeling so close and so good. – You’re my best friend, Isak, he tells Isak seriously, and Isak laughs.

– You’re drunk on my feelings again, aren’t you?

– I’m not really drunk, Even protests. – Only feeling very good.

– Right, because you aren’t looking high as fuck right now, Isak snorts.

Even can only smile then. Because Isak feels so good. And Even feels so good. Everything is good. He probably could fall asleep like this, he feels so relaxed. He lets out a long breath. – Can we go home now? I should follow you home. Take care of you.

Isak smiles widely. – Right now I think I should take care of you, baby. But yeah, let's go.

He waves at the others on the dance floor. – We're off, guys! Have fun!

Even gets a couple of hugs from the guys who are standing closest. Their feelings seem to be blocked out by Isak`s right now, since they're holding hands.

They are followed by music, cheers, singing and laughing as they go out. On their way, Isak nudges Even. – Look, he says, and nods his head, with a pleased grin on his face.

Even follows his glance and sees Jonas and Eva, making out in a corner. They look totally engrossed in each other.

– I knew it, Even chuckles. – They're gonna work things out for real this time, just wait and see. Jonas has grown up a bit, and Eva, too.

– It would be nice, Isak smiles. He leans his head on Even`s shoulder for a moment, before they put their jackets on and go outside.

The air is cold, but Even doesn`t feel it. He holds Isak`s hand, and is enveloped in the warm buzz from his feelings. He wonders if Isak`s right about him being kind of high, because he feels tipsy, and he hasn't drunk enough that it could be from the alcohol. But who cares. Isak is relaxed and happy next to him, and that's all that matters.

However, as they approach Isak`s flat, something shifts. Isak withdraws, probably to pick up his keys, but Even can still sense his feelings. _Warmth, need, want, doubt, worry, concern, longing_ seeps from him. Even has learned that whenever he touches Isak, their connection lasts for a moment.

Isak probably doesn't realize that Even picks up his feelings right now, though. Even ponders this for a moment. He should let Isak know. But how will Isak react, when he realizes that Even can pick up his thoughts, not just when they touch, but almost all the time? Won't he feel invaded?

– Uhm, everything okay? he asks.

– Yeah, sure, Isak nods, as he finally finds his keys.

Even frowns. – You're worrying about something.

When Isak looks at him, he looks like a deer in headlights. – Uh, how do you know?

Even takes a deep breath. – Would it really bother you if you realize that when I touch you and sense your feelings, it kind of lasts for a moment afterwards?

– You just sensed what I felt, even after I let go of your hand? Isak asks.

– Yeah.

– Oh, Isak says, and looks like he thinks for a moment. Even can sense that he has some mixed feelings, but they are starting to fade. – I think… that`s okay, he says then. – I just wish I could know how you feel all the time, too.

– Well, most of the time you can read it pretty clearly in my eyes, Isak.

Isak laughs, and looks him in the eyes. – Yeah I guess so.  

They look at each other for a moment, then Even asks again: – So, what worries you?

Isak shrugs. – I just wondered if you wanna follow me inside and stay the night, that`s all. I didn't want to push you into anything.

Even grabs his hands. – Isak. Have you been listening at all to what I`ve been saying tonight? Of course I want to!

– Yeah? Isak says. – I don't want you to feel obligated, because you can feel what I want…

The last words are only a breath, and Even feels a surge of Isak`s heat flooding over him. Even swallows. – Uh… oh.., that's not what's happening. Look into my eyes. What do you see?

– Pink, Isak says, with hot cheeks and glazed eyes. – For caring. And… very, very much red. That`s desire, I think. And uhm… need. Want. And strings of gold. That`s the bliss. The feeling that I... give you.

Isak is spot on, of course.

– Right. Does it look like I don't want to follow you up to the flat then?

Isak`s laugh gives Even a shiver down his spine. – No, he says, and takes his hand. _Warmth, amusement, fondness, need._ Again Even feels slightly drugged by these sensations.

Isak locks them into the building and they go up to the flat. Even senses both Isak`s and his own desire and want, and it feels like electricity between them. Each look Isak sends him sends new sparks through him. The apartment is dark, and Eskild and Linn seem to be sleeping already. Or maybe they're out. No matter what, Isak heads straight towards his room, and Even follows.

– Do you want something to drink, or something? Isak asks as they pass the kitchen, but Even can sense an impatience in him and knows he wants something else than finding drinks. He grins. – No thanks, he says. – I want you.

Isak grins back at him then. They enter Isak`s room, holding each other’s hands, both feeling slightly shy and aroused at the same time. Even knows. He can feel it.

Isak turns on the lamp by the bed, and they sit down on Isak`s bed. They kiss each other lightly, and Even feels _warmth,_ _care, hope, pleasure, want_ fill him up. Slowly, Even stretches his hands out to touch Isak’s chest. When Even touches Isak, he feels _devotion, pleasure, desire,_ and he exhales as Isak’s emotions swirl through him. He closes his eyes as their fingers entwine and sighs, relaxing muscles he hasn’t even realised are tense. It`s so comfortable he almost can't believe it. Isak reaches out and touches Even`s arms, and Even makes a soft sound of contentment at the dual sensation of physical touch and the warmth of everything Isak is feeling flowing through him. It`s bliss. Even shifts his hands, dragging them over Isak`s chest, and longing that isn’t his suddenly blooms.

When he opens his eyes, Isak’s are closed, and Even takes the opportunity to study his face in the dim light. Isak`s golden curls are a mess, wild and unruly, and his skin is pale, but flushed. Isak`s upper lip is thin, but the bow unbelievably tempting.

Even pulls Isak closer; the feeling of Isak close to him fills him with awe. Even knows that he has the most incredible boy in his arms; he prays that this time it is for a long, long time. They kiss, and the kisses are both sweet and hot at the same time. Isak`s longing rushes back, bursting like a silent firework in Even`s own body, and without really thinking, he brings Isak’s hand to his mouth and presses his lips to his palm. _Heat, desire, need, crave, lust._ Even gasps at the burn of naked want as Isak startles and stares at him. – Uhm, did you feel that? Is it so specific?

– Yeah, Even chokes, coming back to himself and worrying if he has messed up.  – Sorry, I didn’t –

Isak shakes his head, and smiles. – It’s fine, I was just kind of startled… He trails off and bites his lip before coming closer again. Isak presses his fingers into the back of Even`s neck, under his curls and just above the neck of his shirt. _Wariness, hope, want, longing._ Isak searches Even`s lips again with his own. Even swears if he could have dissolved he would have. He doesn't know what Isak is doing with his lips, but it`s overwhelming. Even runs his hands over Isak`s chest. Isak moans as Even leans in and begins kissing and licking on his collarbone, enjoying the taste of his skin. A rush of _impatience and want_ , and Isak rips his shirt off. Even`s fingers tease Isak`s nipples to hard nubs before he kisses his way down and latches onto one. Even`s touch makes Isak’s desire burn, shocking them both with its intensity, and Even can’t quite choke down a moan, cheeks hot with self consciousness. He`s rock hard and he feels like he never has wanted anything so much before.

When Isak moves his hand to Even’s neck again, thumb caressing the line of his jaw, a soft noise escapes his throat, and Isak’s desire spikes again, making Even’ whole body jerk towards him. – Oh…

– Okay? Isak whispers, his skin is flushed, breathing uneven. Even can feel Isak`s want, his tension, the way everything in him is straining towards Even and his touch.

– Yeah.

It`s Even`s turn to rip his shirt off, and Isak touches his warm skin and makes him tremble. Isak kisses Even again; this one not only takes his breath away but also leaves him weak. Isak whispers as he kisses Even`s ear. – God, I've waited for this all night.

Even can only groan an answer into Isak`s mouth. It feels like he has wanted this for a lifetime. Isak`s lips are bliss.

By the time they come up for air, they are both hard and throbbing, and Even is more on top of Isak than sitting next to him. Isak moans as he grinds against Even. Isak`s need is in full force, partially concealed under the lazy pleasure he's apparently feeling at that moment. It`s difficult to decipher what exactly is behind the bubbling sensation Even is getting from him; it`s such pure happiness that it almost makes him want to cry.

Isak`s eyes are closed as Even explores him. Even`s hands roam Isak`s back as he kisses Isak`s jaw and his neck. Isak feels so good, so real. He`s panting by the time Even`s hands makes it to the back of his pants. Even slides them under, cupping his ass and squeezes. Isak actually whimpers. _Want, pleasure, heat, thrill, craving._ Even gasps, as he holds Isak`s ass, kneading his cheeks, and kisses his way down Isak`s chest and along his abs till he gets to the front of his pants. Even kneels and brings his hands around and pulls the front of his pants down, releasing Isak`s cock.

The sensations _relief and lust_ that rush from Isak are breathtaking. Even pushes Isak`s pants down to his ankles and runs his hands back up his thighs and around his hips to grip his ass again. Running his lips from his sack to the tip, Even is trembling almost as badly as Isak is. Even lifts up enough to rub his chin along his shaft. Isak grabs hold of his hair, tangles his fingers into it. Even touches Isak`s cock with his lips and hands, and licks the length of his shaft. He feels the veins with his tongue. Even smells his musky scent and feels dizzy from it all.

Isak moans, and his pleasure vocalized inspires Even. He takes Isak gently into his mouth. He lets it fill him. Relaxing, his beauty slides deep into his mouth. Isak breathes heavily. Another wave of _heat, want_ and _need_ floods over Even. He lets out a shaky breath, the sound of it releasing a fresh burst of desperation in Isak. Their reactions are feeding each other, Even realises. He reacts to Isak’s emotions, and Isak reacts to his physical response.

He chokes down a high noise as Isak’s hands slide through his hair and over his neck and shoulders. Isak is silent, but every time Even’ breathing hitches he feels Isak’s responses like hot waves under his skin.

Isak pulls Even up from his knees, and Even still feels drunk with lust and emotion. He slides back up to whisper into Isak`s ear: – I want you so much, Isak. I want you to fuck me. Right here.

Isak`s shuddering at Even`s words.

– Think you can handle that?

Isak nods into his neck. – Yeah, he whispers and kisses him again.

He touches Even`s chest and back with both of his hands. Even’s eyes flutter closed against his will, lips parting. He arches his back thoughtlessly, seeking more, and Isak obliges with what Even can tell is a smile though he doesn’t see it. The palm Isak flattens over his sternum is so warm, and Even realises with a sudden rush of embarrassment that Isak will be able to feel just how fast his heart is beating. It is drowned out in the surge of desire he feels.

Isak _wants_ , _craves_ more, and Even is already nodding when he asks, – Can I –? with his other hand feather light against Even`s thighs. _Can he touch_ , Even knows he is asking, and he nods quickly. A spike of dizzying joy and Isak reaches for him. Even melts as Isak`s hands roam his body. Isak’s fingers dances over his side, up to his shoulders and down to the waistband of his pants.

Isak`s touch is so light and appreciative that it fills Even with awe. His own heat and need mix with Isak`s and stir his desire higher. Isak’s fingertips slide into the pants, his touch gentle against the crease where Even’s hip meets his thigh.  Even sighs with relief as Isak opens his pants and slides them off, letting the cool air wash over his dick. Isak leans down and tastes it, and _God_ , the velvety wetness of his tongue sends shivers through Even.

Isak pulls himself over Even, almost becoming a bodily blanket, and kisses him again and again. Even moans into his mouth. Isak apparently has the ability to kiss Even into a state of mental daze. Even is completely gone when he feels Isak reach for the lube and protection.

There is _playfulness_ and _curiosity_ in Isak now, that makes Even both happy and a little breathless. Isak`s mischievous side has come out to play, and Even loves it. Isak rolls Even onto his belly and runs his hands up his legs, pulling his cheeks apart before he inhales deeply at his ass. Even trembles when he senses more of Isak`s rising _lust, want,_ _curiosity, urge_. Slowly, Isak`s face presses down against him and his tongue begins to press at Even`s hole. Even chokes out a long, low moan. _Damn, it feels good_. Isak licks him tentatively. He has probably never done that before, but it feels amazing anyway, and so intimate. Then Isak slowly kisses his way up Even`s back and nibbles on his neck as he uses his lubed fingers to open Even up. _Heat, curiosity, playfulness, want_ and _lust_ flow over Even. And OK, Isak might be new at a lot of stuff, but he knows how to open an ass. Even moans as Isak squeezes in one finger, then two, twisting both until Even loosens around him. Even wants to say it's good, that it's fucking fantastic, but his mind seems to have stopped working. He just groans and whines into his pillow as Isak`s strong fingers push him open with deep, insistent twists and turns. And Isak keeps pushing his fingers deeply in and out, brushing his prostate with every stroke, until Even is reduced to a wreck, moaning and moving without control.

Even is panting helplessly into the pillows when Isak lubes his hole more generously. _Heat, urge, concern, doubt_ flows over Even and he raises his head. – You good?

– Uhm, Isak mumbles. – I wanna see you.  

– Yeah, me too, Even manages to say and his limbs shake as he turns around. He looks up into Isak`s eyes and is lost for breath by the warmth he sees.

– Please, he whispers and reaches for Isak. He can't ever remember wanting anything more. He spreads his legs wide and Isak positions himself at his entrance.

– Oh fuck, fuck...

Even gasps as he feels Isak press into him. The sensation of Isak breaching him and the wave of his feeling of _awe, want_ and _urge_ at the same time is breathtaking. Isak pushes slowly, slowly inside as he holds Even`s gaze the whole time.

– Isak, Even breathes, gazing up into the intense green eyes above him. Another surge of _lust_ goes through them when Even says his name.

– Even, baby...

Isak finally takes a full stroke and Even thinks he's going to shudder into a million pieces. It somehow feels like every inch of Isak rubs his prostate. Every part of Isak sends jolts of pleasure through him. All Even can do is to moan and live for the ride; he doesn't even have the will to press back against Isak. He feels like he has been claimed; he's Isak`s.

Isak gives it to him… hard. He fucks Even so good that his entire body quivers with mind blowing pleasure. Their eyes remain locked together. Isak rocks into him, plunges into him faster and harder. His thrusts are growing more frantic. His dilated eyes never leave Even`s even once. –  Come... baby. I got you.

– Isak, Even chokes, bucking his hips, and Isak begins to stroke him. Even can’t keep himself quiet, can’t even close his mouth as he presses his head back and practically sobs. Even can feel Isak’s arousal increases with every second, too. Isak`s breathing is coming in short bursts and his center, everything in him, is blank but for the focused desire for _heat_ and _more, more, more_. Even feels like the want is taking him over.

Even can’t believe this is happening, that Isak is here with him for real – it's so much more than he has ever believed he could have. And Isak wants it too, wants it so badly he practically aches, and Even`s skin is covered in goosebumps and body shivering because Isak is on edge, almost frantic with it. Raw whimpers spill from Even as he's about to come. And then he feels it… _Care, want, heat, heat, heat, bliss,_ a mix of feelings so overwhelmingly intense it renders him breathless. Even can feel Isak`s desperation, his tension, the way everything in him is straining towards climax. When Isak comes in a long lasting _aaaah_ , Even gasps, and for a few long, incredible seconds Isak’s mind sings, and it trails off into a _bliss_ that`s so strong that Even’ head spins from it. And at that very moment… Even loses all coherent thought and roars out as he comes, voice hoarse and low and utterly wrecked. His body convulses and cum erupts from his cock onto his belly in long hard spurts.

Isak is heavy over him. He curls the hand that has been on Even’ neck into his hair, still breathing fast. – Oh my God, he gasps over Even.

– Yeah, Even responds, as he tries to take deep breaths. He feels so overwhelmed with emotions it feels as though his chest might burst along with his release. His body slowly relaxes as his breath calms down.

 _Pleasure, joy, affection, tenderness, concern._ Isak rests his forehead on Even`s. – You okay? he whispers, and leans back to watch him.

Even swallows a couple of times and nods, lifting his head to look at Isak properly. – Yeah, he says, and tangles his fingers into Isak`s golden curls. Even wants to say so much more. How happy he is to be with Isak like this. How he hopes they can stay together like this forever. He hopes Isak can see it in his eyes (he probably can). In the end, the only words he finds are: – Can I... stay the night with you?

 _Elation, happiness, hope._ – Yes, Isak whispers, eyes wide. – Yes, you can definitely do that. I asked you to, remember?

He`s beautiful, Even sees, and makes a mental note to tell him all the ways he is in detail later. – Oh good, he sighs instead, and moves his head so that their foreheads are pressed together again, Isak’s curls tickling his face.

Isak laughs, his voice a little hoarse. – Yeah, good.

They lie there for a moment, as their breaths calm down. – I think I’m falling asleep on you, Isak breaths, then yawns. – You’re very comfortable.

Even laughs, too, feeling Isak`s calm delight.

Isak moves, so that he can throw away his condom. Then he tilts his head down and finds Even`s lips, giving him a soft and sweet kiss. _Affection_ and _fondness_ flash through Even’s mind on top of the other emotions, so fast he almost doesn’t register it, but the combination of that and the sensation of Isak’s lips shocks a gasp out of him before he can stop it.

Isak opens his eyes and looks at him. His green eyes are smiling. – What? Why are you gasping? I am already touching you?

Even hums, searching for the right words. – Just felt it more intensely for a moment. Maybe I'm sensitive because what we had now was... special.

Isak smiles a slow smile ( _agreement, fondness_ , _affection, curiosity_ ) and studies him. – Your eyes… they're shining. All the colours of the rainbow and gold together. I wonder what it means?

Even tilts his chin up and finds Isak`s lips again. He feels the sweet sensation of his lips at the same time as Isak’s affection mixes with his own. Having Isak in his head and body like this, his physical senses seems to recede as his mind is overwhelmed with emotions that aren’t only his own. _Affection_. And he realizes that he, in that moment, can't separate Isak`s feelings from his own. They believe in each other, they care, they love. They are shining, two sources of blazing emotion flooding through his body and through Isak’s eyes.

– Us. I think it means _us_ , Even sighs into Isak`s mouth. He leans back to look Isak in the eyes.

Isak nods, and before he even says anything, Even knows. – I think you're right.

– It's weird, Even sighs, – I have spent a long time learning how to separate my feelings from others, and now, when I'm with you, it feels…

– Like we're one, Isak finishes. – Yeah. You make me feel safe, you know. Like my home. He smiles a little. – We won’t feel like this all the time, I guess. Like, we can't be like one every minute. Not when you… forget to do the dishes, or I am… I don`t know, grumpy about something, for instance. But we'll have these moments. And it'll all be so worth it, you know?

He looks embarrassed, like he thinks he has said too much.

– Yeah, Even nods. – I know. It'll be so worth it.

And he could have said so much more, but it`s enough. It`s good. Even can see (feel) that Isak is tired and sleepy now. _Warmth, care, calm._ Even is tired, too. Sated. He can hardly move. When Isak slowly rolls to the side, Even picks up his t-shirt from the floor and cleans off some of the come on their stomachs. They're still sticky, but he's too tired to do anything more about it.

They’ll get some sleep now, and then they can clean up and fix things in the morning. Hear from their friends. _Now it's time for us_.

Isak has already closed his eyes, and seems to be halfway into sleep. Even pulls up the duvet and covers them in it. Isak snuggles into him and mutters something inaudible. Even is drinking in the prolonged physical contact. Soaking up the warmth. He curls into Isak and feels that things are good. He can still feel the bond between them, even if Isak has fallen asleep. He and Isak are connected, and they are figuring things out. They have both learned a lot, like understanding these weird abilities they have. Even thinks they have a lifetime to figure out all the rest. They have all the time in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for Reading this! <3 I will be so grateful if you leave me a comment. Good or bad. 
> 
> Now, I have five other fics planned (and some of them started), so I’ll be back.


	5. Bonus: Isak's List of Colours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was cleaning out my notes for this fic and thought maybe some of you would be interested in Isak's list of colours. I haven't written this as thorough as Isak probably would have, but it is what it is. Most of these meanings are picked for common beliefs about colours, and some are picked from theories about auras. When I look at the list now, I know I would have liked to change some of the character's main colours. What do you think would fit them best?

**All the colours**

 

 **Red** : _Noora_. In a good, bright and pure state, red shows a strong personality. Relates to the physical body, heart or circulation. Anger, material desires.   

 **Deep Red** : Grounded, realistic, active, strong willpower, survival oriented.

 **Muddied red** : Anger (repelling)

 **Clear red** : Powerful, energetic, competitive, sexual, passionate  

 **Pink** : _Eskild. Vilde._ Loving, tender, sensitive, sensual, artistic, affection, purity, compassion; new or revived romantic relationship.

 **Magenta** : _Mikael_. Playfulness. Immature and childlike.

 **Orange** : _Eva, Magnus_. _Dad._ The color of vitality, vigor, good health and excitement. Lots of energy and stamina, creative, productive, adventurous, courageous, outgoing social nature. Could be about stress related to appetites and addictions.

 **Orange-Yellow** : Creative, intelligent, detail oriented, perfectionist, scientific.

 **Yellow** : _Jonas_. _Mom_. It is the color of inspiration, intelligence, optimistic, easy-going. Yellow is a joyful color, the color of a true free spirit. These people are very generous; they are not attached to anything.

 **Neon and or dirty yellow** : Struggling to maintain power and control. Some mental illnesses

 **Dark brownish yellow** : Have seen this in students who are straining at studying; being overly analytical, feeling fatigued or stressed.

 **Green** : _Mahdi_. _Yousef_. _Mutta._ Relates to heart and lungs. It is a very comfortable, healthy color. Balance and something that leads to change. Love of people, animals, nature; teacher; social. Green is restful, a natural healing energy.

 **Dark or muddy forest green** : _Linn_ (especially when she feels bad). Jealousy, resentment, feeling like a victim of the world; blaming self or others; insecurity and low self-esteem; lack of understanding personal responsibility; sensitive to perceived criticism.  

 **Blue** : _Elias._ Cool, calm, and collected. Careful. Caring, loving, helpful, sensitive, intuitive. Blue indicates a person leading a balanced existence. Blue is a very desirable color for an aura. Blue flashes can also indicate when a person is sending or receiving clairvoyant communication.

 **Soft blue** : Peacefulness, clarity and communication; truthful; intuitive

 **Bright royal blue** : _Chris_. Intuitive, generous; on the right path; new opportunities are coming  

 **Dark or muddy blue** : Fear of the future; fear of self-expression; fear of facing or speaking the truth. Avoidance.

 **Turquoise** : _Adam_. Sensitive, compassionate, therapist. Turquoise indicates a very dynamic person, very energizing and capable of influencing others. These people are very organized and goal oriented. They make fantastic managers and are generally very popular with their employees.

 **Indigo** : Intuitive, sensitive, deep feeling.

 **Violet** : The most sensitive and wisest of colors. This is the intuitive color. Intuitive, visionary, futuristic, idealistic, artistic.

 **Lavender** : Imagination, visionary, daydreamer, etheric.

 **Purple** : _Sana_ (but she also has flashes of violet, indigo and lavender). Spiritual, intuitive.  

 **Silver** : Wealth. Receptive to new ideas; intuitive; nurturing

 **Dark and muddy gray** : Residue of fear is accumulating in the body, with a potential for health problems, especially if gray clusters seen in specific areas of the body

 **Gold** : Inspiration, wisdom, inner knowledge, intuitive thinker, bliss.

 **Black** : Draws or pulls energy to it and in so doing, transforms it. Usually indicates long-term unforgiveness. Unreleased grief.

 **White** : Reflects other energy. A pure state of light. Often represents a new, not yet designated energy in the aura. Spiritual, etheric and non-physical qualities, transcendent, higher dimensions. Purity and truth; angelic qualities. White sparkles or flashes of white light: angels are nearby; can indicate that the person is pregnant or will be soon

 **Dirty Brown Overlay** : Holding on to energies. Insecurity.

 **Dirty Gray Overlay** : Blocking energies. Guardedness.

 **Rainbow** : _Even_. Everything.   <3  


**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think! 
> 
> You can also talk to me on Tumblr if you like: @crazyheartfics is my nick.


End file.
